


yours truly, jihoon

by aquariusblues



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - To All the Boys I've Loved Before, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Minor Jicheol, jeonghan chan and jihoon are brothers, with FEELING, your friendly neighborhood tatbilb au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-07-03 10:16:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 74,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15816852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aquariusblues/pseuds/aquariusblues
Summary: When Jihoon's confession songs are released on Soundcloud all titled to his previous crushes, one of the songs is dedicated to his brother's boyfriend of almost three years. To cover it up, Jihoon agrees to fake date one of his other pretty  crushes - Kwon Soonyoung.





	1. Chapter 1

Jihoon’s life falls apart on a perfectly average Sunday. He is at Jun’s house working on the math homework when Jun, for the seventh time in the last half hour, reaches for his phone.

“Jun I don't have time for you to get distracted.”

“Come on!” Jun whines. “We’ve done more than half the homework, just a little break please?” He pleads and Jihoon gave up with a small nod and reaches for his phone as well.

Since his phone is on silent seeing a few notifications he wasn’t alerted for isn’t surprising, but the sheer amount of notifications that flood his screen… that is _not_ normal. Most of the notifications are from SoundCloud which wouldn’t be surprising if Jihoon had actually uploaded a song that day. But he hasn’t, not for months now. For a second he gets excited thinking he’s finally reached his big break, but a green text among the orange notifications chills him to the core. 

 

Mingyu [18:23]: you had a crush on me?????????? :D

 

“Oh my god,” Jihoon breathes out, his heart rate tripling in a span of six words. He looks up and finds Jun already staring at him with wide eyes. 

“Is it true? Are all those songs about your crushes?” Jun asks looking back to his phone and scrolling. “Everyone’s talking about it on Instagram. ‘ _To Kim Mingyu’_?” He pauses looking up again, brow raised. “Really?”

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!” Jihoon is seriously panicking now. He opens his SoundCloud app to delete the songs but someone was smart enough to change the password and Jihoon knows there’s only two people who could’ve possibly known what it was and both of them are his brothers.

Meanwhile Jun starts reading out the titles right in tandem with Jihoon’s last heartbeats. “To Chu So Jung. To Kang Daniel. To Kwon Soonyoung. To Kim Mingyu. To Choi Seungcheol. I really didn’t get a song? I won't lie, I’m a little offended…”

“Jun! Shut up!” Jihoon can’t control his panic anymore as he gets up and starts packing up his bag. He has to go home and delete those songs immediately. He shouldn’t have ever angered Chan like that, it was a usual argument but his little brother was starting to get more and more feisty and this was just more proof of that. He didn’t even have to consider Jeonghan to have been the culprit, not when one of the crushes, Choi Seungcheol, is his boyfriend of almost three years. 

Jihoon is about to storm out of Jun’s room despite his friend’s protests when a new message pops up on his screen.

 

Jeonghan [20:05]: We need to talk.

 

He freezes by the door, feeling his eyes burn.

“Actually on second thought,” he says turning around slowly, fearing that if he'll move a little too fast he'll fall apart entirely. “Can I stay over?” Jun didn’t even need to be asked, already taking his extra mattress.  

 

✉

 

Jihoon isn’t a popular kid, per se, but people know him around school. It’s really not hard to be known when you’re in an averagely sized Performance Arts high school and write music for most of students’ performances. He usually wouldn’t brag about it, but he’s probably the best composer if in all of high school, but in his year for sure. His SoundCloud under his Woozi nickname is followed by most students so these confessions songs coming out have definitely rapidly spread around. Jihoon was sure of that as soon as he realized what the fuck happened. 

“You’re going to school,” Jun tells him in the morning when Jihoon refuses to get off his mattress.

“I can’t. My reputation is dead. I can’t face anyone anymore. Mingyu will never shut up about this. Jeonghan is going to kill me,” he mutters into the pillow. “I might as well lay here until I die.”

“You’re being a drama queen. Everyone has crushes, relax.” 

“Have you even listened to the songs?”

“No, you threatened to kill me last night if I did.”

Jihoon turns over onto his back and sighs. “I don’t hide anything when I write, Jun. Those songs are obvious and if there’s anyone who knows me best of all, it’s Jeonghan.”

Jun is quiet for a moment. “Well, you don’t like Seungcheol anymore, right?” Jihoon finally meets Jun’s eyes.

“I can’t like him, can I? He's been with my brother for years.”

Jun is silent for a moment, not fully convinced, until he lets out a puff of air and claps his hands encouragingly. “Let’s go to school, shall we?” He asks cheerily. “We worked hard on that homework last night to not hand it in today.”

“Like I said, I’ll be dead soon. It doesn’t matter if I hand in the homework or not.”

Jun clearly doesn’t accept that as an answer. He grabs Jihoon’s hand and pulls him up to a sitting position. “We’re going to your house where you’ll change and then we’re both going to go to class. If you don’t beat this fear today you’re never going back to school! Be strong!”

Jihoon sits on the bed and stares at his knees feeling utterly hopeless. It’s going to be so embarrassing. At least Chu So Jung and Kang Daniel are living their happy lives down in Busan and won’t haunt him today. But Kim Mingyu is already gloating in his inbox. Jeonghan is probably plotting his murder. And of course to Jihoon’s luck he had to throw in Kwon Soonyoung in there as well, one of the most popular boys in school. Like his situation wasn’t bad enough already.

“If Jeonghan won’t kill me first, I bet all the girls will,” he mutters. 

“Seungcheol or Soonyoung’s girls?”

“All of them. Together.”

“If it makes you feel any better Soonyoung probably finds this all super funny.”

“I haven’t spoken to him in ages,” Jihoon mutters. He wrote his song at the end of first year.

Jun throws his jeans at him. “Weren’t you two close in early high school? This could be a pleasant reunion! Think positive!”

Jihoon presses his knuckles to his eyes and groans. Loudly. Then he finally gets up, looking up at Jun. “Fine, I’ll go.”

“Really?” Jun grins. “I promise you won’t regret it!”

“I already am,” Jihoon admits pulling on his jeans and grabbing his backpack. He’ll take care of all the hygiene stuff when they stop by his house. “I figured if I’ll die I’ll take Chan down with me.”

“I don’t think your little brother thought this through, he’s still young…” Jun sounds worried and Jihoon shoots him a glare. “But he deserves it of course!" Jun fixes himself quickly. "He completely invaded your privacy! Shameful!"

Jihoon smirks. “That’s more like it.”

 

✉

 

Since Jihoon took ages to get up in the morning by the time they stop by his house, Jeonghan’s car is gone which means Chan has already escaped. That also means no Jeonghan either so both Jihoon and Chan win this time.  

Jihoon doesn’t waste too much time and runs to his room to switch clothes and brushes his teeth in the bathroom. After just a few minutes total, he's sitting in front of his desktop, his SoundCloud page open before him. He’s about to delete his songs when he realizes their release has quadrupled his year long account activity in less than 24hours. He’s never gotten so many steams and likes and as he reads some of the comments and finds them quite positive. He knows he’ll regret it but he decides he won't delete the songs just yet.

“Think positive, right?” He mutters to himself and runs back to Jun’s car.

“Don’t rush,” Jihoon says once Jun speeds off, they still have a ten-minute drive to school and class starts in seven.

“I don’t like being late.”

“Well start liking it!”

“Don’t be pissy with me, the sooner we get to school, the sooner this is will all end.”

“You mean my life? I support that. Floor it.”

Jun sighs. “You know I listened to Seungcheol's song while you were changing? It’s beautiful.”

“I thought I warned you about doing that,” Jihoon grumbles. 

“I figured I’d end up hearing it anyway,” Jihoon shoots him a glare at that and Jun smiles but it’s more of a cringe. “Realistically speaking…“

Jihoon lets out a deep sigh and leans back on his seat, giving up. “I wrote the song a while back when I was feeling particularly down, I’m not even sure if I like him anymore! Those songs were hidden and were supposed to signify an end of an era of sorts. A goodbye letter more than a love letter and now it’s all back in the open..." 

Jun doesn’t reply and they drive in silence for a full minute before he speaks. “Did you reply to Mingyu?”

“I think out of all of them, my crush on Mingyu was the most insignificant but he’s the one who will gloat the most,” Jun laughs at that. “Don’t laugh. I’m cursed.” 

There’s a pause before Jun asks, “Are you going to talk to Soonyoung about it?”

Jihoon closes his eyes. He hasn’t thought about his crush on Soonyoung in a very long time. He started liking him back in first year of high school when he saw Soonyoung perform in their first showcase. He was fascinating and even as a first year his dancing abilities were incredible. In their Performance Art school everyone chose two tracks and Jihoon always prioritized music but dance was his second choice and despite having a natural pull towards singing, he wanted to dance like Soonyoung. So they grew closer, both of them staying late in school to practice choreography and Soonyoung's aura even in the awkward pre-puberty stage was extremely magnetic. 

It didn’t help that Soonyoung is the reason Jihoon started writing music in the first place.

“Rhythm!” He had told him while they were practicing one time when and Jihoon couldn't nail a particularly quick dance routine. “You have no rhythm when you dance! You know what could help? Writing music. That’s what my first dance teacher told me~” He grinned, big cheeks pushing his eyes up, much fuller then than they are now. “I only owned a toy piano back then when I was seven but it really did help!”    

That night Jihoon came home and started writing his first song and what do you know? No wonder so many songs are love songs - writing about love is very very easy. By the end of the week he _Thinkin’ About You_ about his first male crush from Busan he kept occasionally thinking about despite having moved to Seoul almost two years ago. It felt freeing. Almost therapeutic to channel his emotions into his songs. A few months after that Jihoon opened his SoundCloud account and by end of that year he was the most known composer in their entire high school. They never discussed it, but he knew Soonyoung gloated about it internally.

Since composing did become Jihoon’s primary track, singing was second and with dance out of the picture the two naturally grew apart. They haven’t properly spoken since last school year and it was October now.

“I won’t,” he tells Jun. “But he’ll probably try to talk to _me_ about it.”

“Well,” Jun agrees. “It’s Soonyoung after all.”

 

✉

 

When they get to school _Come to Me_ , Mingyu’s song, is playing on the school radio and Jihoon is ready to get back inside Jun’s car and drive it home himself despite not even knowing how to drive.

“He probably requested it just to tease you,” Jun tries to calm him down. “Ignore his tall ass.” Then he pauses for a moment, listening. “It's a pretty song, by the way.” When Jihoon glares at him he quickly shuts up. 

“Jihoonie!” He doesn’t even have time to register the voice before someone huge is hugging him from behind and twirling him around happily. “You liiiii~ke me!” 

“Mingyu put me the fuck down,” Jihoon growls. Mingyu doesn’t so Jihoon resolves to kicking and kicking _hard._ Mingyu drops him and grabs his hurt shin, wincing.

“Small,” he pouts. “But feisty!” The pout turns into a grin and Jihoon wants to punch it away. “But it’s okay because I’m still flattered!”

Jihoon feels his face burn, there are people staring in the hallway and whispering and he’s hyper aware of everything happening but at the same time his vision is turning black in the corners. He thinks he might pass out.

“Mingyu,” he breathes out, surprised there aren’t flames coming out of his mouth along with his shame and fury. “I hope you realize I compare you to a _tree_ in this song, you big dumb trunk!” 

Perhaps that wasn’t the best diss he could throw at his friend, but before Mingyu can reply he’s turning around and walking quickly to his Advanced Lit class hoping the Earth will open up and swallow him whole before he can reach the classroom. 

The Earth, alas, doesn’t compromise and he’s stared at as soon as he enters the room. He’s a few minutes late, but the teacher isn’t there yet which is really just more of his shitty luck spitting right at him. If the teacher isn’t there people can stare and whisper about him as much as they want and nobody will stop them and of course as high school students that's exactly what his classmates do. Jihoon tries his best not to look up from the floor as he walks to his regular seat next to Wonwoo, avoiding everyone and everything on his way there. 

Attempting invisibility doesn't work, and a girl stops him once he's a few seats away. “The songs are really lovely, Jihoon,” her name is Minkyung and Jihoon doesn’t know her too well but they’ve been friendly before. “I can’t stop listening to _Habit_.”

“Thank you,” Jihoon whispers and continues to his seat. As soon as he sits next to Wonwoo he remembers Wonwoo’s best friend is Soonyoung and he’s ready to move places but Wonwoo grabs his wrist.

“Sit,” he says casually and Jihoon stills. “What are you so tense about? I’m not letting you run away from all this, high school is a cruel place but if you let all this step all over you it’ll be even worse.”

Jihoon blinks at Wonwoo, slightly confused. They aren’t too close. Wonwoo wants to be an actor so they rarely interact outside of academic classes and the occasional time Wonwoo has rapped for a Woozi track. 

“Soonyoung was surprised,” Wonwoo adds and Jihoon opens his notebook, feeling his ears burn. “He liked the song. Personally I preferred _Thinkin’ About You_. Who is Kang Daniel, by the way? Is he foreign?”

“No,” Jihoon chokes out. “Someone I knew back in Busan.”

Wonwoo nods, understanding. “Cool. The songs were really well done, Jihoon. It’ll be a bit awkward, but everyone will get over it soon. Don’t worry too much.”

“Thanks,” Jihoon says but it’s weak. Wonwoo is nice but they aren’t close enough for him to fully understand the depth of the Jeonghan-Seungcheol situation. They’re the “it” couple for two years already. Jihoon’s class, although just a year under Jeonghan’s, came into high school already knowing that they’re legendary. Now Jihoon, Jeonghan’s little brother releases a song that’s like… _that._

Fuck, he thinks, Wonwoo definitely understands the situation, he's just being overly nice. Jihoon’s life is over and that’s why Wonwoo is being kind. One last act of kindness before his painful assassination by the one and only almighty Jeonghan. Well thanks for that Jeon Wonwoo!

“Stop freaking out,” Wonwoo leans over, one of his hands on Jihoon’s back, warm and grounding. “Cheol is an understanding guy. If anything he’ll find it flattering you had a crush on him… Mingyu’s the one you should look out for.”

Jihoon finally laughs at that. “I think he’ll leave me alone for now.”

“Oh? Did he finally realize you were comparing him to a tree?” Wonwoo snickers and Jihoon for the first time in thirteen hours feels lighter.

 

 ✉

 

The high school isn’t large and by lunchtime Jihoon has received compliments from most of the student body and commentary on which songs they liked best. If Jihoon’s brain calculator was keeping up to date the current rank was:

 

  1. To Choi Seungcheol - _Habit_
  2. To Kwon Soonyoung – _Adore U_
  3. To Kang Daniel - _Thinkin’ about You_
  4. To Chu So Jung -  _Simple_
  5. To Kim Mingyu – _Come to Me_



 

It’s a pain in the ass that _Habit_ is the highest rated song, but Jihoon was quite proud of it when he wrote it so he doesn’t mind it entirely. That is, until he remembers who the song is about and his whole life repetitively flashes before his eyes.

Because of the entire situation eating in the cafeteria is off limits so as soon as he buys his sandwich he settles by himself on the bleachers and enjoys his lonely lunch in the breezy early autumn wind. He doesn’t mind it that way, the entire day has been too exhausting and he still has that math class until he can go hibernate in his room forever without a Jun to drag him out of there. 

His earphones are silent for a moment as the songs switch and that’s when he realizes the school speakers are playing _Adore U_.

“Ugh,” he groans into his hands, fingers pressing against his eyes. He just wants it all to stop. 

“No escape, huh?" _Kwon Soonyoung_ , Jihoon recognizes and his heart beats a little louder as he refuses to look up even when his footsteps come closer. "I like this song the best, you know?”

“Of course you do,” Jihoon mutters finally looking up. Soonyoung’s hair is light blue and his smile is as bright as ever. At the same time the lyrics play,

 

 _How can you dazzle so much?_  
_You’re so pretty it’s selfish but your personality_  
_is so humble – This is not the place to joke around_  
_I’m announcing the fact about your charms_  
_Is it because I like how you smile at me?_

 

 _Good one God!_ Jihoon thinks bitterly, _Keep digging my hole deeper!_

“Are you here to gloat?” Jihoon asks when some of his sanity is regained.

“Nah,” Soonyoung shrugs, grinning cheekily probably from the lyrics. “I’m flattered. I never knew you liked me.”

“You were never supposed to find out.”

That makes Soonyoung laugh and the way the sound synchs with his song playing loudly across the bleachers makes Jihoon feel a certain way. 

“Don’t be too embarrassed, finding out someone had a crush on you is nice. Like a compliment. And with a lovely song like this? I'm extra flattered!”

“Go tell all the girls who like you that, I think they’re plotting to murder me.”

“Nah!” Soonyoung is still smiling. He won’t stop smiling and Jihoon hates that. “So when did you start liking me?” He asks eagerly.

“Can we not talk about this? I’m trying to figure out a way I won’t get murdered tonight.”

“You know the girls won’t actually kill you?”

“I’m not talking about the girls,” Jihoon mutters.

Soonyoung’s smile decreases finally and Jihoon feels like he can breathe again. "Is this because of Seungcheol?”

“I don’t know how much you know about Jeonghan, but he’s a dangerous man.” Soonyoung purses his lips at that, his face turning worried and Soonyoung looking worried terrifies Jihoon. “What?”

“Did you not at all listen to the broadcast?” He asks carefully and Jihoon feels himself pale. He had assumed it’s just a playlist playing.

“What about it?”

“Jeonghan’s running it...”

Jihoon shoots up. “What?!”

Soonyoung takes a step back and nearly falls. “Calm down, he just mentioned brother betrayals or something like-“

“Are you serious?! On the school radio?!” Jihoon grabs his hair. “What else did he say?!” He yells at Soonyoung who stares back at him in shock. “Soonyoung!”

“Um!” He stutters taking another step back. “Something along the lines of: I only have one brother now, Channie who’s coming to high school next year, treat him well. Jihoon-ah, I hope these songs were worth it, no matter how much you cry Seungcheol will always be mine.”

As soon as Soonyoung’s done _Adore U_ ends and Jeonghan’s voice fills the speakers.

“Well well! What cute song for our cutest Kwon Soonyoung! Another unavailable man way out of my little brother’s league. Kids, when people don’t like you back, maybe try chasing after someone who _is_ in your league… Perhaps someone who _isn't_  in a three-year relationship! Now, let’s move on to Kim Mingyu’s song! Wow, poor Jihoon-ah? You really think any of these handsome guys would’ve wasted any time on you? Ahahaha! Here is _Come to Me_.”

 _Come to Me_ starts playing and Jihoon can’t see in front of him with how blurry his vision has gotten. If the songs coming out is embarrassing, this is beyond humiliating. It's mortifying. He turns around and grabs his stuff before running down the stairs but a blurry Soonyoung grabs his shoulders.

“Jihoon,” he can’t really see him but Soonyoung sounds worried. It’s nice and all but Jihoon really doesn’t have time for this. 

“Let me go. I need to talk to him. I can’t let him speak about me like this he-“ Jihoon takes a shuddered breath and squeezes his eyes shut. He will not cry. He will _definitely_ not cry. Especially not in front of Kwon Soonyoung. 

“I’ll come with you.”

Jihoon’s eyes open widely. “Don’t get into this Soonyoung.”

“I’m part of this, why wouldn’t I?”

Jihoon’s jaw drops. “You are _not_ part of this! I liked you and wrote a little song about you, two fucking years ago! Whatever is happening here is between my brother and I, so stay out of it!” He shoves Soonyoung out of the way and speeds down the bleachers. He knows he was rude but he’s not sure he cares too much right now. All he wants is to reach the radio studio as soon as possible and put an end to this nightmare.

By the time Jihoon is banging on the studio door _Come to Me_ is on its last few notes and Jihoon’s glad the campus isn’t very large so he could reach Jeonghan before his brother could start spewing shit again. Still, he can’t say he’s in good shape (mental or physical) since he’s breathing quite heavily when the door opens.

Of course Jeonghan doesn’t open the door, but a first year named Seungkwan does instead - Jeonghan’s little radio underling. He stares at Jihoon in shock unsure of what to do and Jihoon pushes past him.

“Jeonghan!” He yells coming inside the recording room and his brother is grinning wolfishly at him.

“Well if isn’t my cute little brother,” he pulls down his headphones to his neck and spins a pen cheekily between his fingers. “Took you long enough.”

Jihoon is breathing heavily for several reasons and it takes him a second to speak. “Please stop this,” he begs. “Those were all dumb crushes and they were all from a very long time ago. None of them matter anymore.”

“I don’t care about 'all those' crushes,” Jeonghan eyes are sharp and his voice is cold. “You think I never saw how you looked at Seungcheol? You adore him you always have and now this song... This _Habit_... How can anyone listen to it and think you’ve ever stopped liking him?”

Jihoon’s shoulders drop. “it’s just a song, Jeonghan. I wrote more than a year ago.” A lie. He wrote it over the summer. But Jeonghan doesn’t need to know that.

“' _I rather wish that you were having a rougher time, I want you to think of_ me’,” Jeonghan quotes. “' _Maybe it's become a habit instead, I think I want to forget your name that I'm calling even now’_ ,” he keeps quoting and with every word Jihoon feels his most private most precious pieces of his heart being torn apart. “ _I feel my lips dry-“_

“STOP!” Jihoon yells. He knows he’s crying, it’s hard to ignore the hot streaks burning down his cheeks when he so rarely feels them there, but he refuses to meet Jeonghan’s eyes. He knows his brother well enough to expect to see sheer coldness in them. He can't face that right now. “Those are private lyrics.”

“They’re not so private anymore, brother,” Jeonghan’s voice is calm, despite Jihoon falling apart right in front him and Jihoon thinks no matter how much he’ll be forced to love his brother out of familial expectations, right now, Jihoon can’t imagine loving someone who doesn't mind hurting him this deeply. “How long have you liked him?” 

“I don’t like him anymore,” Jihoon whispers. “I’m sorry that I did, but I don’t. I wrote the song as a way to get rid of how I felt about him. I swear.”

“I don’t believe you,” Jeonghan says simply. “When I asked you three years ago you also said you didn’t like him. When I asked you two years ago you said you didn’t like him then either. When I asked you last year, same answer. But it was always so obvious... Don’t you realize, Jihoon? I’m the only person you can’t lie to, so _stop lying_ ,” he bites out and it’s powerful enough to chill Jihoon to the core.

Jihoon really doesn’t like Seungcheol anymore, he thinks. Or perhaps he’s finally realized when he wrote _Habit_ that no matter how long or how much he’ll like Seungcheol it will never happen.

“Does it really matter if I like him or not?” He asks quietly and Jeonghan chuckles. 

“It matters to me,” he replies simply. “So answer me. And please,” he adds sweetly. “Don’t lie this time.”

Jihoon looks up finally meeting Jeonghan’s eyes and his brother’s gaze is predictibly cold and the smile on his lips is even colder. Jihoon doesn’t know what to do. He can’t tell Jeonghan he likes Seungcheol, Jeonghan will never forgive him and if he lies, Jeonghan will know and the consequences will be even worse. There’s no escape, Jihoon thinks as he looks into his brother’s black eyes. This is it.

Suddenly the door opens behind him and a loud voice fills the room. “Jihoonie!”

Jihoon turns around, eyes wide. “Soonyoung? What the hell are you doing here?!” Soonyoung walks in casually and throws an arm around his shoulders squeezing him close. 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to lie for me anymore,” he grins and up close the grin is even brighter and Jihoon pulls involuntarily away.

“Lie about what?” He whispers, a little lost. 

“Yes,” Jeonghan echoes, equally confused. “What exactly is being lied about?”

“Jihoonie and I have been dating for three weeks,” Soonyoung announces excitedly throwing another arm around Jihoon to pull him closer. “We wanted to keep it secret but I can’t listen to him take cover for me like this and after my song~! I don’t want to hide our relationship anymore!” He’s loud and energetic and he pulls Jihoon close enough that Jihoon has barely anything to breathe other than Soonyoung’s obnoxious cologne. “Tell him, Jihoonie,” he whispers, only for Jihoon to hear.

“It’s true,” he chokes out and Soonyoung eases the grip, allowing Jihoon to breathe fresh air again. “We didn’t want to come out with the relationship yet but I guess now we have to…” He doesn’t meet Jeonghan’s eyes scared he’ll be too obvious so he looks at Soonyoung instead.

“It’s okay,” Soonyoung smiles as he lays his hand on Jihoon's cheek and the whole situation is almost believable. “I’m excited for this next step in our relationship,” he says softly, his thumb running over Jihoon's cheekbone once after which he looks back over to Jeonghan. “I think you owe my boyfriend an apology.” Jihoon almost stops breathing at how quickly Soonyoung’s demeanor changed. One second his eyes are sparkling and smile large and cheeky and the next his gaze is sharp and voice sharper that even Jeonghan leans back in his chair, surprised.

“Wow,” his brother exhales, looking between them. “I really had no idea.”

“Well, now you do,” Soonyoung has no mercy for Jeonghan. His voice is as cold as Jeonghan’s was to Jihoon a few minutes ago. Jihoon is standing on the side but from what he can see he would _not_ want to be on the other end of Soonyoung’s glare. “So please,” he mimics Jeonghan’s faux-sweetness. “I think Jihoon would appreciate an apology.”

“I’m sorry,” Jeonghan replies, still looking between Soonyoung and Jihoon, clearly not believing the whole story but not pressing on it either. “I guess I wish you all the best.” 

Soonyoung doesn’t reply to that and takes hold of Jihoon’s hand dragging him out of the recording studio and out into the hall. 

Jihoon is too shocked to say anything and lets Soonyoung talk it all out. “The whole school heard that conversation, I couldn’t stand listening to it. How can he treat you like that? Isn’t he your brother? Your _older_ brother? I swear to god I wanted to punch him as soon as I walked into the room!” He raises his free hand and squeezes it into a tight fist punctuating his point and Jihoon is surprised how his other hand holding Jihoon's can stay so gentle. At the end of the hall, Soonyoung presses the elevator button angrily and Jihoon is momentarily glad he doesn’t have to rush up or down any stairs anymore. “Everyone probably heard that boyfriend part too,” Soonyoung continues, Jihoon still silent next to him. He only reacts when Soonyoung takes his other hand to turn him around so they can face each other. “I’m sorry I did it on a whim but I really _really_ couldn’t hear him talk to you like-“

The elevator pings open and Jihoon’s bad luck couldn’t have ended with getting himself a fake boyfriend because the person inside is Seungcheol and he’s staring at Jihoon and Soonyoung’s connected hands.

After a quick but incredibly awkward moment, Seungcheol clears his throat and Jihoon tries pulling his hands from Soonyoung’s but Soonyoung is quicker and pulls Jihoon towards him instead.

“Hey,” Soonyoung grins, casually, Jihoon now pressed against his chest, allowing Seungcheol enough space to pass them.

Seungcheol briefly looks at Soonyoung and then his eyes immediately go to Jihoon. “I need to talk to you.” 

“I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Soonyoung says and Seungcheol gives him an annoyed look.

“I was talking to Jihoon, but thanks for your input,” he bites back and Jihoon feels dizzy.

“Soonyoung’s right,” he croaks out. “You heard the things Jeonghan said,” he adds just so he doesn’t feel like he’s betraying Seungcheol entirely. “I’m sorry.”

Seungcheol purses his lips but nods after a moment, walking past them without another word. Soonyoung sighs, pulling Jihoon inside the elevator only speaking when the doors close. 

“You really do still like him, huh?” There’s something in his voice Jihoon can’t quite decipher and doesn’t know if he’s ready to right now.

“Well, does it really matter if I do? I’m dating you now." 

“I think that’s when it matters the most,” he says quietly, feeling all of a sudden so far away despite their fingers still laced tightly together. Jihoon swallows and looks over to Soonyoung from the corner of his eye to find the latter already looking back at him. 

"So what do we do now?" Jihoon's voice is just as quiet but Soonyoung's strange expression turns back into his usual million-watt grin. 

"We become the new 'it' couple."

"The new  _fake_ 'it' couple," Jihoon corrects him and Soonyoung's grin doesn't falter and instead if at all possible, grows even wider.

"The new _best_ fake 'it' couple ever!" And with Soonyoung smiling so brightly at him, for the first time that day Jihoon doesn't feel like his luck is all that bad. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloo!
> 
> so one of the crushes i chose is chu so jung (from wjsn) shes a 95liner from busan! this is a little ode to jihoon's noona story from ofd s2 looool I won't be discussing much of her in the fic but i just wanted to point that out :D ohh and kang daniel won't be making an appearance either but i wanted a 96liner busan boy as one of the crushes~
> 
> the songs I chose for each crush are naturally real svt songs and i tried to make sure the lyrics fit each one hhhh ofc it's all loosely based but it was fun to match!! also,, the setting is still south korea even tho I'm aware i made the hs a little too tatlib-like (aka american, im sorry!!)
> 
> in any case, thank u so much for reading!!! feel free to comment with your thoughts and hmu on [twit](https://twitter.com/iluhosh) xx
> 
> p.s. gonna add a small note here about jeonghan cause ive gotten a lot of comments about his behavior -- i realize he was a bit too mean here but the jeonghan-seungcheol-jihoon dynamic in this fic is a bit close knitted (i think itll make more sense down the road) so jeonghan's feelings here were hasty and a result of years of subtle jealousy/insecurity and jihoon's lying. anyway i dont want to say too much about the topic i feel like it's spoilery,, please don't think i hate jeonghan or anything i needed this to spur the conflict.. sorry again


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soonyoung and Jihoon make a list of rules. Jihoon has the most awkward dinner of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got so roasted for jeonghan im so sorry lmaoooo hopefully he can be forgiven as the fic moves along. also thank you so much for the kuddos and comments so far!! this fic is super fun to write so the support means a lot to me thank you ♡

Jihoon doesn’t have time to talk to Soonyoung after the whole radio fiasco since their last class of the day is about to start.

“What class do you have now?” Soonyoung asks when they’re walking out of the music building where the radio studio is located.

“Maths,” Jihoon replies, voice too quiet, but Soonyoung still hears him.

“Okay, I’ll walk you there,” he says, their hands locked together. “People heard the broadcast,” he adds, as if sensing Jihoon’s eyes on their connected hands. “We got to make this look at least a little believable.”

What are they trying to make look believable exactly, Jihoon wonders. How can two people who barely spoke for years pretend like they mean anything to each other? He’s walking slightly behind Soonyoung and focuses entirely on his sturdy back and their grip on each other’s fingers. Despite his anxiety over the entire situation, at least like this the foreign eyes watching them as they walk through school seem slightly less scary.

“I have modern dance,” Soonyoung says once they stop outside of Jihoon’s classroom.  People are clearly watching them in the hallway, so Soonyoung gives them a quick friendly smile before he moves closer to Jihoon to speak in a lower voice. “It’ll take me a few minutes to shower and change but please wait for me at the parking lot. We need to talk about this.”

Jihoon nods, because _of course_ they do. His mind is still short circuiting about this whole mess of a situation they’ve gotten themselves into. And Jeonghan’s cruel words. And Seungcheol’s hurt puppy eyes when Jihoon sent him away.

He’s snapped out of his thoughts when Soonyoung leans forward to press the tiniest of kisses on his forehead. "Don't worry too much. I'll see you in an hour?" He says before he rushes down the hallway to make it to his class leaving Jihoon alone with dozens of people staring and his forehead burning from the touch of his lips.

With Soonyoung gone, Jihoon feels leagues more vulnerable than he did just a moment ago. People’s stares seem to pierce him tenfold, especially after Soonyoung's little gesture there, and Jihoon quickly goes inside the classroom hoping that it will help. It doesn’t. Inside the closed space it’s only more obvious that people are whispering about him.

“Is it true about you and Soonyoung?” The girl in front of him asks as soon as he sits down. Jihoon doesn’t even know her name.

“Uh,” he croaks out and clears his throat. “Yeah…?”

“What about Seungcheol?” The girl who sits next to her pipes up.

Jihoon purses his lips. “What about him?”

The girls look at each other before one of them speaks. “Well… Don’t you like him?”

“Isn’t this none of your business?” Jihoon bites back and the girls gasp.

“Oh my god! You totally like him!” One says.

“No wonder Jeonghan is plotting to kill you!” Says the other.

“I didn’t say that!” Jihoon almost yells. A few people around them quiet down and that’s when Jihoon realizes the entire classroom is probably listening to their conversation. Fuck. How he misses last week when nobody knew shit about his _private_ love life. Last week he didn’t even have a love life. He wants that life back. He leans forward toward the girls and lowers his voice, “I don’t like him.” Then he decides to take a leap and adds, “I like _Soonyoung_.”

Last time he said those words out loud was towards the end of first year when he realized that staying up till four in the morning every day thinking about a friend is _not_ normal behavior. It’s weird to welcome them back on his tongue.

The girls watch him for a few seconds, eyes squinting and calculating, when Jun walks in and Jihoon has to literally restrain himself from getting up and cheering, “I AM SAVED!” 

Jihoon straightens out and waves excitedly at Jun who watches him warily as he comes up to his seat. “What’s with that face?” He asks as soon as he sits down.

Jihoon blinks. “What face?”

“That weird happy face,” he says waving a finger at said face. “I didn’t think you’d be here.”

“Even after we worked so hard on our homework?” He asks with a hint of a smile and Jun frowns.

“Okay seriously,” he’s completely facing him now, voice low and concerned. “You're freaking me out. Are you okay?”

Jihoon frowns this time. “I’m fine. Why?”

“Why?” Jun says a little too loudly and lowers his voice again. “After that radio show I’m surprised you even showed up to class.”

Jihoon winces. “I already made it this far, didn’t I? Might as well finish the day.”

Jun seems unconvinced. “Jihoon,” he puts a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder squeezing it tightly. “You’re worrying me.”

Jihoon chuckles awkwardly. “No need to make a scene…” Jun doesn’t let go and keeps staring him down until Jihoon looks awkwardly around the room and all the eyes and whispers and the echoes of Jeonghan’s voice across the school speakers telling everyone how Jihoon isn’t good enough for anyone come back to haunt him and- 

“Okay,” Jun shakes him out of it. “I knew you weren’t actually okay but please don’t freak out on me for real. I’m sorry. Breathe.”

Jihoon closes his eyes tightly and lets out a long and heavy sigh. “All the shit that happened today was so bad, Jun, I’ve lost my sanity.”

“You’re going to be fine,” Jun assures. “I don’t know your brother well but I bet he’ll regret saying all that shit! Especially with how Soonyoung came to fight for you and oh my god?! You and Soonyoung? What the hell? How could you not tell me about you two?” 

 _Wait… He actually believed that?_ Jihoon thinks, eyes widening. But they were discussing just that morning how Jihoon hasn’t properly interacted with Soonyoung in years.

Jihoon watches Jun for a moment, debating on which path to take. He really hates lying to people important to him, he’s been sort of doing that to Jeonghan for years and well… he can see for himself where that lead him. But here, in this open-for-eavesdropping classroom, he can’t tell Jun it’s fake so he swallows down the knot stuck in his throat and decides one more lie at this point can’t be too bad.

 “Um,” Jihoon stutters. “We wanted to keep it private... Less gossip… Less questions. We weren't even sure where it's going yet.” It's not  _that_ much of a lie, Jihoon thinks. 

Jun seems to accept that and their teacher walks in so they can’t continue the conversation. He does whisper to him as the teacher writes some equations on the board, though, “I need to hear the full story, by the way!” And the only thing Jihoon can do at this point is nod. 

 

✉

 

Despite last night’s playlist reveal distraction, the boys get everything correct on their homework and other than that small victory the class is just alright. Jihoon isn’t sure what was taught really, he spent the entire time counting the leaves on the tree branch pressed against the classroom window hoping that’ll keep his brain from falling apart. 

After class, Jun has to unfortunately run off to practice with his dance partner for the winter showcase at the end of next month, so Jihoon is left alone to walk through school grounds, not once looking up from the path. He isn’t really sure where to wait so he stands in the shade of the building facing the parking lot and leans back on the wall.

With the small moment of solitude he finally realizes how exhausted he is. It feels like the entire day has cut off seven years off his life. The whole school knows his most private and intimate feelings. His friendship with Seungcheol is probably ruined. His brother has bullied him to the point that Jihoon doesn’t think he ever wants to see his face again. His best friend is being blatantly lied to and now he has to go back home and plan how to murder Chan for causing all of this mess.   

 _Oh,_ he thinks bitterly, _I also got myself a fake boyfriend._ What a perfect and well-rounded day. He takes out his phone and switches songs to something more upbeat since he thinks these slow ballads are leading him towards darker thoughts.

He looks up scanning the parking lot, Soonyoung still not around despite class finishing almost ten minutes ago, but he decides to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. He opens his messenger app for the first time since last night to pass the time, a little terrified of what it has in store for him.

 

Mom [21:23]: Jihoon-ah~ there’s some dinner in the fridge if you come home hungry!

Mom [22:43]: Jihoon-ah… where are you? Please tell eomma if you’re not coming home tonight.. I worry.

Mom [23:00]: Jihoon?

Mom [23:05]: Jun-ah told me you’re staying over at his. Don’t worry me like this again, Lee Jihoon.

 

Seungcheol [20:06]: jihoon.. i had no idea you felt that way… i love the song so much. thank you. if you want to talk, i’m here for you always.

Seungcheol [14:00]: god jihoon.. i am so sorry about jeonghan. i know this isn’t what you want to hear right now but he loves you very much, he’s just surprised and hurt. i’ll talk to him. but I need to talk to you as well, okay? you’re important to me, i want to make sure we’re alright.

 

Mingyu [08:20]: even if im a tree im your tree <3

Mingyu [13:43]: wow soonyoung? really? fine. it’s your loss.

 

Jun [13:43]: WHATTTT THEEE FUCCCCK!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Jun [13:44]: SOONYOUNG?!?!?! SERIOUSLY???????????????????????????????????

 

Jeongyeon [19:55]: JIHOON WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE SONGS

Jeongyeon [20:33]: DUDE ARE YOU OKAY? THIS SHITS BLOWING UP BUT ITS OKAY CAUSE THEY ALL BOPS!!!!!

Jeongyeon [20:50]: jihoon forreal? You good? Call me if u need

Jeongyeon [12:00]: NOT cool to ignore me in the hallway no matter how upset you are right now.

Jeongyeon [12:38]: Jihoon forreal. Talk to me,

Jeongyeon [13:04]: are you hearing the shit Jeonghan is saying? Please text me I’m worried

Jeongyeon [13:43]: SOONYOUNG??!?!??!?!?! KWONSOONYOUNG?! KWON FUCKING SOONYOUNG?!!!!!!!!!?!?! LEE JIHOON TEXT ME RIGHT NOW

 

Bumzu [19:49]: What are these songs? You never told me about these, they’re great.

Bumzu [14:00]: Come see me when you can. Your songs are great and professional work, Jihoon. I’m sorry your brother can’t see past his own feelings. I’m proud of you.

 

“LEE JIHOON!” Jihoon hears someone yell and he snaps out of his reading trance. He read Bumzu’s message last and feels a little overwhelmed from it all. Receiving such praise from his teacher when he’s begun hating his confession songs because of this entire situation and forgetting what they were supposed to symbolize in the first place: his hard work and his true feelings and his entire heart being poured into a song. “Jihoon! It’s one thing to keep ignoring my texts, but are you seriously going to ignore me when I’m standing right in front of you?!” Jeongyeon is yelling right at his face and Jihoon leans away from her.

Jeongyeon is probably the only good girl friend Jihoon has. She’s his first choice when he needs female voice on his tracks and well… She’s cool and easy to talk to. Jihoon needs people like that around him.

“Kwon Soonyoung?!” She inquires aggressively, shocked but smiling. “I can’t believe it,” she’s laughing so loudly Jihoon wants to sink into a hole. “Oh my god, the girls in my class were going _crazy_ over it,” she grabs Jihoon. “You've been dating for three weeks? And you didn’t _tell_ me?! I’ve wanted you to date someone for so long!”

“Really Jeongyeon,” he says trying to pry her off. “I’m not in the mood to talk about this right now.”

Jeongyeon quickly lets him go, apologizing. “Right, I’m sorry. I got a little too excited… Want me to come over? I’ll beat Jeonghan’s ass for you.”

That manages to make Jihoon smile, even if a little. “It’s fine,” then he considers the offer for a second. “Actually if you could help me hide Chan’s body when I kill him…”

“Oh my god, of course! I knew you couldn’t have uploaded those songs on your own! That rascal…What did you do to him?”

Jihoon scoffs. “What do you mean what did I do to him?”

“Well… He might be a feisty little brother but he wouldn’t have uploaded those songs without a reason.”

Jihoon purses his lips and sighs. “We’ve been fighting back and forth for a while now,” he confesses.

“Oh no,” she breathes out. “What did you guys do?!”

“Well first we cut holes in each other’s socks,” he starts recalling, a little sheepish. “Then we emptied bookshelves onto the floor, stuck gum on pillows, put wrapping paper over the toilet seat so the pee sprayed everywhere, you know all the dumb shit. The other day I cancelled his _Overwatch_ account and now he did this.” As Jihoon lists the pranks, it slowly starts to synch in that he really should not have been so surprised by this turn of events.

Jeongyeon raises a brow at him. “Well then. You should’ve seen this coming.” Jihoon hates that she's right.

“If you won’t be supportive, you can go. I’ve had enough bad energy today for a lifetime,” he says leaning back onto the wall and unlocking his phone.

“Aight, Jihoonie~” She mimics Soonyoung’s voice from earlier and Jihoon tries not to blush too obviously. “Tell your cute boyfriend I say hi! So does Momo, by the way!”

Jihoon groans at that. “Oh god, what did she say?”

“Nothing really,” she shrugs. “It’s not a secret that Soonyoung’s bi. She was fine about it, surprised sure, but they only dated for like five months last year. Don’t worry about it.” Then she smiles and lays a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder squeezing it lightly. “Cheer up! In a few days people will get over it,” then she pauses. “You should figure out your relationship with your brothers though,” then she adds in a lower voice, “seems a little toxic… Bye bye!” She runs off, probably to drive home with some of her friends. She’s not wrong about expecting this kind of backfire from Chan, but Jihoon really doesn’t think that rebuilding an _Overwatch_ rank is more difficult than suffering through the last two years of high school with his deepest love confessions publicized.

It’s almost three twenty when he checks his phone after Jeongyeon leaves and he starts thinking maybe he’ll just go home after all. Soonyoung probably changed his mind and ran away while he could and honestly? Jihoon doesn’t blame him. When he looks up one last time he sees Soonyoung indeed running, but surprisingly  _to_ him and not the other way.

When Soonyoung reaches him he bends down, hands on his knees and breathes heavily. “So sorry,” he gasps. “My dance teacher wouldn’t let me go and then people kept asking questions and I still wanted to shower so I wouldn’t be all gross not that it matters since I ran all the way here and probably cancelled out the effects of that shower anyway,” he says all in one breath and then straightens out to stretch out before he slumps back. “I hope people didn’t bother you too much?” He asks and before Jihoon can answer he grabs his hand. “Shall we go?”

Jihoon’s mind is still catching up with Soonyoung’s quick words as they start walking and it takes him a few steps before he’s shaken out of his stupor and tries to take his hand out of Soonyoung’s grip.

“What are you doing?” Soonyoung asks looking over at him with brows furrowed.

“What are _you_ doing?”

“Holding your hand? We’re b _oyfriends_ , remember?” Wow thanks Soonyoung, how can Jihoon fucking forget. He tries to take his hand out again but Soonyoung holds it tighter. “Stop it," Soonyoung whispers. "People are staring.” Jihoon looks around the parking lot, most people leave within the first fifteen minutes after class ends so by now it’s considerably empty.

He looks back to Soonyoung. “There’s nobody here.”

Soonyoung leans forward, eyes wide and urgent. “It’s high school. People are _always_ watching.”

Jihoon’s brow rises and he stares at Soonyoung dumbly. “Just let go of my hand.”

“What’s the big deal? We’re just holding hands.”

“It’s a big deal to me!” He says back a little too loudly which actually makes Soonyoung’s grip soften.

“Fine, if you-“

Suddenly from the corner of his eye, Jihoon notices the people he wants to see the least for the rest of his life. “Jeonghan and Seungcheol,” he gasps staring. They are walking out onto the parking lot, Seungcheol holding Jeonghan’s familiar purple biology textbook in the crook of his elbow, while his other hand is on Jeonghan’s back. With so little people in the outside both couples can quickly spot each other and Jihoon becomes increasingly aware of his hand in Soonyoung’s.

“Fine,” he whispers. “Hold my hand, I don’t care, but please,” he looks over at Soonyoung who is watching him back, waiting for his call, “take me away from here.” Soonyoung doesn’t even respond, already turning around to walk quickly to his car, Jihoon right behind him held together by the tight grip of their hands.   

Within a few minutes they’re driving out of the parking lot and Jihoon can finally lean back in the passenger seat and close his eyes and relax if even just for a second. He can sense Soonyoung looking over at him every once in a while, but appreciates more than anything that he stays quiet. He really needs these few minutes to himself after that entire day.

When the car stops he opens his eyes slowly and sees the Soonyoung parked outside the popular American-esque diner by school.

“I was craving a burger, if that’s okay?” Soonyoung asks and Jihoon nods, not really caring where they are as long as it’s not home and gets out of the car.

A few minutes later they are seated, ordering burgers, fries and coke, and staring awkwardly at each other when the waitress walks away.

“So,” Soonyoung speaks first. “We should talk about this, huh?”

“Are we actually going to do this?” Jihoon asks after another awkward pause.

“I mean,” Soonyoung runs a hand through his hair to push it back but it falls back onto his forehead anyway. “We’ll look pretty dumb if we come to school tomorrow and tell everyone we were just kidding.”

Jihoon stares at him for a few seconds and hates how right he is. He sighs and reaches into his backpack to take out a notebook and a pen.

“What are you doing?” Soonyoung leans forward to get a better look.

“If we’re going to do this, we need rules.”

“I mean, we’re just faking being boyfriends. What’s so hard about that?”

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon feels his grip on his pen tighten. “We haven’t spoken since first year. We barely know each other!”

Soonyoung frowns. “We’ve spoken since first year.”

“Sure,” Jihoon rolls his eyes. “Like seven words total in almost two years.” When Soonyoung opens his mouth, Jihoon adds, “that’s _not_ an exaggeration.”

The boy pouts leaning back onto the booth and crosses his arms. “Fine. What are your rules?”

“First,” Jihoon writes ‘1’ on the paper. “No kissing.” 

“At all?” Jihoon shoots him a glare and Soonyoung presses his lips together, clearly both remembering that little forehead thing he did before class.

“And no unnecessary body contact.”

“Okay that’s a little vague.”

Jihoon can’t disagree with that. “No holding hands whenever Soonyoung feels like it,” he writes while reading out loud.

“Listen, Jihoon,” Soonyoung groans. “We gotta make this believable! How will people believe we’re boyfriends if we’re already not kissing and now can’t ever touch each other?”

Jihoon narrows his eyes at him. “Fine,” he says, crossing that part out. “But don’t go overboard with it.”

“I don’t have cooties or something you know?” He mutters and Jihoon slams down his pen.

“Seriously, Soonyoung? Cooties?” Soonyoung simply giggles. Jihoon opens his mouth to explain his reasons but the waitress comes with their food and coke and the boys wait in a forced silence for her to leave. “Soonyoung,” Jihoon says quietly when she’s gone. “I’ve never been a relationship before…”

“I figured,” Soonyoung replies easily, taking a bite from a fry.

“Well if you’ve _figured_ ,” Jihoon grits out. “Then maybe you can understand why I am not entirely on board with constant touching.”

Soonyoung frowns, mid-bite. “’Constant touching?’ Who do you think I am? I’m just talking about innocent hand holding while I walk you to class. Oh, that’s a good one!” He points to the paper. “’Soonyoung has to walk Jihoon to class,’ write that down.”

Jihoon does, because that _is_ a good one and then he adds as a footnote: Soonyoung can hold Jihoon’s hand as they walk to class. He looks up to find Soonyoung looking over the table to see what he wrote and the boy gives him a thumbs up.

They add more rules as they eat:

 

  * Soonyoung will take Jihoon to and from school.
  * Jihoon has to eat lunch together with Soonyoung's friends. ("Why don't we eat lunch with my friends?" "What friends?" "Hey!" "Seriously, I never see you in the cafeteria." "I like to use lunch time to edit tracks at the studio... But I _do_  have friends!" "Okay we can sit with them too." "...That's okay." "Poor Jihoonie..." "Let's just move on!")
  * Jihoon has to attend Soonyoung’s recitals and occasionally come watch practices. (“What are you going to come sit at my studio too?” “Can I?!” “No.” “This is why composers are considered less friendly than dancers.” “Says who?” “Me!”)
  * Jihoon has to go to parties with Soonyoung. (“Ughhh” “It’s a relationship must!” “ _Ughhhhh_!”)
  * Must have at least two couple items: 
    * Jihoon’s choice: hats
    * Soonyoung’s choice: shirts
  * Jihoon has to make his wallpaper Soonyoung.
  * Soonyoung has to make his wallpaper Jihoon.
  * Jihoon and Soonyoung will watch anime together at least once a week for bonding time. (“You’re an actual nerd.” “What? You think I didn’t notice you were listening to the One Piece soundtrack when I picked you up after school?” “…It’s a quality soundtrack.” “I can only agree.”)
  * Under no circumstances can anybody else find out that this relationship is fake.



 

Soonyoung is chewing down on his last bite of the burger when Jihoon finishes writing the list down and takes the notebook from him to read over it. 

“I like it,” he says after swallowing and Jihoon can finally focus on eating his own half-eaten food. He kind of wishes he had a good bowl of steamed rice, but he guesses fries aren’t too bad either. “We need a story, though,” Soonyoung points out.

“A story?”

“You know,” he says twirling the pen. “How we started dating? People are going to ask. In fact, they already did ask.”

“Did you tell them anything?”

“No, I said I wanted to respect our privacy since we were forced to come out with the relationship.”

“Nice, I’ll give you boyfriend points for that,” Jihoon mutters, chewing on a fry and Soonyoung grins wildly.

“Boyfriend points? That’s cute!”

 _You’re cute,_ Jihoon thinks automatically and almost chokes while swallowing. “So,” he says clearing his throat. “What’s our story?”

Soonyoung bounces on his seat excitedly. “Well, I was thinking something romantic! I was walking down the music building hallways and heard beautiful music coming from a studio and I couldn’t help but walk in and… There you were! An angel of music!” Jihoon can feel a look of disgust on his face and Soonyoung blushes when he notices it. “What? Is it that bad?”

“It’s a bit… over the top,” he admits and Soonyoung frowns.

“Okay, what do you suggest?”

For someone who writes romantic songs, Jihoon’s instinct for romance is almost minimal. He purses his lips staring at his food, thinking, while Soonyoung waits patiently. “Shouldn’t it be something casual? You saw me eating food alone on the bleachers at the start of the year and decided to talk to me since we haven’t spoken in a long time. We realized we had a lot to catch up on so we met up a few times to talk. Eventually my feelings started coming back and let’s say you liked me back first year so we just… rekindled and decided to give our relationship the chance it didn’t get back then.”

Soonyoung watches Jihoon intently as he recites their story and at the end he licks his lips and nods. “That’s good. I like the casual, it’s not too far from the truth either.”

Jihoon pauses. “It’s not?”

“Well, we did ‘rekindle’ our acquaintance on the bleacher’s you could say and obviously you _did_ like me in first year.”

Jihoon debates if he should ask but his lips move before he can really consider it. “Did _you_ like me in first year?”

Soonyoung blinks, surprised at the question thrown at him and rubs the back of his neck, looking away. “Um… I don’t think so, sorry. You always fascinated me though,” he adds, eyes returning to meet Jihoon’s. “Your music has always been my favorite. I can’t stop listening to these confession songs either.”

Jihoon tries not to show that the answer is disappointing. It’s strange to admit, but perhaps he hoped that at least one of his crushes liked him back especially after all the things Jeonghan said earlier. Also… Well it could’ve been ‘flattering’ as Soonyoung had called his confession earlier. “Is _Adore U_ really your favorite?”

“I think so,” Soonyoung smiles shyly. “Is it stupid of me that I can’t stop thinking about it? I mean… All those lyrics, they’re about _me_.” 

It’s Jihoon’s turn to grow shy and he distracts himself with his food, ignoring that his ears are definitely burning. “Yep.”

“That _yoohoo_ part is so cute, too,” he keeps going. “Oh! And the ‘ _baby you are my angel_ ’” he singsongs in English. “’ _I want to know all of you_ ’ Wahh!” He giggles. “It’s just so cute!” 

“Mhmm,” Jihoon nods while chewing on his burger, ignoring how embarrassing it is to have your first high school crush gloating about incredibly romantic lyrics he wrote about him at the peak of his emotions.

“Anyway,” Soonyoung switches topics, but his smile stays teasing. “I guess we should say we started talking again in early September… It’s mid-October now so it should makes sense.”

“Do we need an anniversary date?”

Soonyoung grins at that. “Sure! How about September 15th? Or 17th? That seems less planned.”

“Sounds good.” 

“Great! So our list is final?”

Jihoon looks down at his messy writing all over the page. It seems a bit dumb to record it like this, but what they’re doing is already pretty dumb so Jihoon thinks they really can’t be too safe. “I think so… We can always change it around down the road,” he pauses, realizing they never discussed how long they would go through with this for. “Soonyoung-“ He starts but Soonyoung cuts him off.

“Let’s just see how it goes, okay? I think it’ll be strange if we cut our relationship too short, so at least a few months?” Soonyoung suggests. “If you start feeling uncomfortable though, we can always stop this.”

“Why would I be uncomfortable?” Jihoon asks, a little defensive. “I liked you a long time ago and-“ 

“I know that,” Soonyoung raises his hands, cutting him off. “I mean in the whole… this being your first relationship technically, whether real or fake. Despite how you seem to reject all the dating stuff your songs were pretty romantic, I bet a first relationship means a lot to you. I don’t want to ruin that.”

Jihoon blinks at him, speechless. “That’s very considerate of you,” he says finally and he means it.

“You’ll come to find that I am a very good boyfriend!” Soonyoung grins and Jihoon tries hard to maintain eye contact because the easiness with which Soonyoung can leave him flustered is already slightly concerning.

“Can I ask you something?” Jihoon asks and Soonyoung nods eagerly. “What do you gain from this?”

Soonyoung tilts his head, frowning. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Jihoon licks his lips thinking how to properly phrase his point. “For me, I get to take Jeonghan off my back and maybe bear the humiliation of all those songs getting released. But what about you? We’re basically strangers yet you’re willing to do this for me.”

It’s Soonyoung’s turn to pause for a moment. “Saying we’re strangers is a bit of a long stretch, don’t you think?” He asks rhetorically but Jihoon shrugs anyway. “You were a good friend of mine in first year. I know you dropped dancing, but our practices were some of the most enjoyable ones for me in all of high school so far. There are barely any people I’ve met who can master choreography as quickly as you can,” he wets his lips. “Anyway, I know you’re more into composing and producing now, and clearly from all I’ve heard from your work, you’re amazing at it. But sometimes, when I listen to your songs and think of choreography to match your music, all those dances are always with you.”

Jihoon swallows at that, feeling his heart do this weird jump-skip thing he hasn’t felt in a while. “How does that relate to any of this?”

“Well,” Soonyoung looks away, blushing at the tips of his ears. “I miss you I guess. I know we weren’t best of friends or anything like that, but you left a big impact on me and because of your songwriting I felt like we couldn’t communicate in the same way anymore and we grew apart… Is it greedy that a big part of me wants to have that old friendship back?”

Jihoon bites on the inside of his cheek. “We’re different people now than we were in first year, Soonyoung.”

“Of course I realize that! But you asked and I guess that’s my answer… It’s not like it was my plan to do this, you know? Your brother was saying all those cruel words and I just wanted more than anything to help you so I acted on instinct. It’s just now that we’re in this situation… I guess it doesn’t have to be too bad, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jihoon agrees, feeling softer.

“Plus,” Soonyoung giggles. “It would help if I stop getting confessions all the time.”

 _Aaaaaaand,_ Jihoon thinks with a roll of his eyes, _the moment is lost_.

“Do we have a deal then?” Soonyoung asks reaching out his hand. 

“A fake relationship deal?” Jihoon’s brow rises.

“Exactly!”

Jihoon stares at Soonyoung a moment later and sighs, shaking his hand. “It’s a deal.”

“So…” Soonyoung asks while their hands are still shaking and his grin is wide and cheeky. “Still no to the kissing?”

“In your dreams, Soonyoung.”

 

✉

 

They stay at the diner for a few more hours talking about nothing and everything but mostly just their favorite _shounen_ protagonists and afterwards, Soonyoung drives him home. Once they’re parked outside his house Soonyoung puts the car on park. 

“I’m not inviting you in,” Jihoon says immediately and Soonyoung blinks at him.

“Well, I just wanted to exchange phone numbers and not waste gas, but thanks for the rejection anyway.” 

Jihoon blushes slightly at that and takes out his phone. “Sorry, I just know things are going to be a bit strained at home. Another time?” 

“Sure,” Soonyoung says with a small smile. “If you need someone to drive you far away to dump your brother’s boy after you kill him, let me know.” Jihoon stares at him wide eyed and Soonyoung quickly waves his hands. “Oh my god, I’m sorry I was joking! You kept saying you want to kill him and I just wanted to lighten up the atmosphere but I realize that was a very very very creepy thing to say, I’m so s-“

“It’s okay, Soonyoung,” Jihoon chuckles handing him the phone. “Just text yourself after you put it in your number so you get mine.” Soonyoung nods, occupying himself with the phone. Only when Soonyoung lifts his phone and takes a selfie is when Jihoon realizes he was staring at him the entire time. “What was that?” He asks, blinking.

“I’m changing your background,” he replies casually with a cheeky smile. “There!” He smiles handing back the phone. Jihoon’s wallpaper is now Soonyoung’s face with a big cute smile and a little peace sign with his pointer finger poking at his cheek.

“Very cute,” Jihoon mutters and Soonyoung grins at him.

“Your turn,” he says handing him his phone but Jihoon shakes his head.

“I hate selfies.”

“It’s in the contract!” Soonyoung exclaims and then leans forward, eyes wide. “You cannot defy the contract.”

Jihoon leans away from him and sighs. “Fine,” he takes Soonyoung’s phone opening the camera and takes an uncomfortably close picture of his face. He can already sense Soonyoung sputtering next to him, but he makes it the lock screen anyway and hands over the phone back proudly. “I hope you love it,” he says as Soonyoung checks it out.

“It’s actually pretty endearing,” Soonyoung admits giving Jihoon a small smile. “Thanks!”

Jihoon doesn’t know what he expected, but Soonyoung being annoyingly supportive about everything wasn’t it. He clears his throat finally and grabs his backpack sitting between his feet. “I should go,” he says pulling it up. “Thanks for today, Soonyoung.”

“No worries,” the boy replies, laying a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder and squeezing it once tightly. “If Jeonghan bothers you again please text me and if you need help to inflict little brother revenge, I’m only one phone call away!”

Jihoon actually laughs at that and nods. “Thank you, Soonyoung.” He gives him one last smile before he opens the car door and gets out to go home ignoring the fact that Soonyoung only drives away when he’s entering his house.

He tries to be quiet as he comes in but their hallway with the stairs upstairs includes an open door to the dining room and it just so happens that Jihoon comes back a little past seven and his family is having dinner.

“Look who finally came home!” He hears his mom say even though he’s still in the doorway and she can’t possible have seen him. “Jihoon-ah, dinner is on the table,” she adds and Jihoon freezes. There’s almost a hundred percent chance his mom and both brothers are at the table and with his luck that day he wouldn’t be surprised if Seungcheol is sitting there too. 

“Hi Mom! I already ate, sorry!” He yells back taking off his shoes and getting ready to sprint upstairs to his room. Before he can run, he hears shuffling in the dining room anyway and after a few seconds his mother appears in the archway.

“Lee Jihoon,” she says with a voice so stern Jihoon steps back in shock. “You will _not_ ignore my calls and text messages for an entire day and you will _not_ refuse to eat dinner with me when you’ve been out there sleeping god knows where and doing god knows what with a boyfriend I didn’t even know about!” Jihoon’s jaw drops. Jeonghan told her? Has he not invaded his privacy enough today?!

“I stayed at Jun’s last night, you know that,” he replies but his mom’s eyes are so intense that he quickly closes his mouth again, looking down. “Yes, eomma, I’ll be right there.” She disappears back inside and Jihoon takes an extra few seconds to calm himself down before he walks carefully into the dining room.  

Luckily, inside are just his mom and brothers. Unluckily, the atmosphere is thick enough that it’s physically difficult for Jihoon to make it to his chair. It doesn’t help that he has to take the seat that’s next to Jeonghan and across Chan who is clearly trying not to laugh. 

Wait.

Jihoon was sure Chan would be running away from him in shame, does he find all of this funny? Jihoon has seriously underestimated how cheeky his little brother has gotten. He glares at him and Chan meets his eyes he actually shows his tongue mockingly. Jihoon is about to throw his chopsticks at him when their mom speaks. 

“So, Jihoon-ah,” she says as she puts some ramyeon in her plate from the hotpot in the middle of the table. “Tell us about this boyfriend you’ve got yourself.”

Jihoon looks over at Jeonghan briefly who is watching him back with a brow raised. “His name is Kwon Soonyoung,” he mumbles and clears his throat. “I’m sure you’ve heard of him, we used to be close in first year.”

His mom hums, trying to remember. “Is he the boy you used to dance with?”

“Yeah.” 

“Ahhh,” she smiles, nodding. “A very kind and polite boy, I like him a lot. His mom owns the bakery I buy our bread from, they have a very good family. I think I’ve bumped into him there a few times actually, he keeps changing his hair... Tell him he’ll be bald by thirty if he keeps doing that. Why did you hide him from us?” She says it all so casually while eating her food, not even really looking at Jihoon, more focused on the side dishes she can mix with her noodles. 

Jihoon swallows. “I don’t know… We thought it’d be easier like this,” he says carefully. 

“Oh! Soonyoung!” Chan screams suddenly, realizing something. “Isn’t that a name from one of your songs?”

Jihoon grits his teeth. “Don’t even dare mentioning them to me,” he bites out. “You’re dead to me Chan!”

“ _I’m_ dead?” Chan’s jaw drops. “You’re dead first! It took me two years to build that rank!” 

“Those songs were private drafts you had no right to post them!”

“And _you_ had the right to come into my room and delete my game account?!”

“Boys!” Their mom tries to stop them but Chan and Jihoon don’t let her. 

“You can remake it! And the rank doesn’t even affect your skill level so what does it matter?!” Jihoon yells, ignoring their mom.

“I have to play from level one! You know how embarrassing that is?!”

Jihoon runs a hand across his face. “I can’t believe you’re even comparing this!”

“What’s the problem? It’s just some songs,” Chan pouts, arms crossing.

“They’re not just some songs,” Jeonghan’s the one who pipes in this time and Jihoon swivels his head to him.

“Don’t _you_ talk about them either, hyung,” he warns and Jeonghan’s eyes widen. Jihoon isn’t someone to lose his temper and it’s rare for Jihoon to ever speak to his brother like that.

“Jihoon!” His mom lowers her fist on the table and Jihoon looks away and stares down onto his plate. “What’s going on with you? Both of you?” She asks him and Chan.

“Jihoon deleted my entire _Overwatch_ file!” Chan complains first.

“I don’t know what _Overwatch_ is,” she says, “but can’t you two talk about it maturely?”

“There’s nothing to discuss anymore,” Jihoon mutters glaring at Chan. "Our relationship is over."

“Jihoon, you're three years older. At least _try_ to act like the mature one!" Their mom tells him and Jihoon flushes, embarrassed. "And Chan, what did you do?” She asks and Chan swallows looking at their mom, then to Jihoon, then back to their mom, and finally down to his plate.

“I uploaded hyung’s drafted songs on his SoundCloud.”

Their mom sighs. “That’s not very nice, you know how important Jihoon’s songs are to him.” 

“So is my _Overwatch_ account!”

She looks at Jihoon at that. “He isn’t wrong, Jihoon. You both need to apologize to each other." 

“I’ll consider it,” Jihoon replies still glaring at his brother. 

“What’s the big deal anyway?” Chan says, all of a sudden casually eating his food as soon as their mom lays off him. He proceeds to chew loudly knowing it’ll just piss Jihoon off even more and Jihoon wonders where the hell his brother learned to be so damn mischievous. “It’s just some songs? If you didn’t want to upload them, then why were they all ready to go in your drafts?”

 _Touché_ , Jihoon thinks. Every time he wrote a confession song, he put it up there to post whenever he’s ready too. He thought one day he would, to really let all the feelings out. He just never expected for that day to actually happen. 

“They’re not random songs,” Jeonghan speaks for Jihoon. “They’re confession songs.”

“Oh, Jihoon," she smiles at him and Jihoon looks away. "That's so romantic! And one of them is for Soonyoung?” Their mom asks, catching up. “Who were the rest for?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Jihoon says quickly.

“It definitely matters,” Jeonghan snaps back.

“Okay,” their mom puts down her chopsticks. “I get that Jihoon and Chan are fighting, but what’s going on between you two?” Neither Jeonghan or Jihoon speak, but their mom is a patient force and she waits until one of them cracks while Chan chews innocently on his dinner.

Jihoon really could tattletale. Jeonghan is at fault, it’s not hard to prove that. Jeonghan opened a school wide radio broadcast and blasted Jihoon’s most private songs while saying all those mean things about him. What can Jihoon say about this situation? “Sorry for having potential feelings for your boyfriend, never acting upon then, and confessing them in a private song that was never supposed to see the light of day?” Jihoon may feel guilty, but not guilty enough to actually apologize to Jeonghan. He’s starting to slowly realize that beyond hurt, he’s simply pissed off. 

“One of the songs is dedicated to Seungcheol,” Jeonghan speaks finally and Jihoon stares at him in shock. “I got jealous and acted inappropriately, Jihoon has every right to be mad at me.” 

“Seungcheol?” Their mom echoes. “ _Our_ Seungcheol?” Jeonghan’s strange apology, their mom finding out about all these songs, and Chan’s continuous chewing. Jihoon can’t take it anymore.

“Thanks for the dinner, mom,” he says getting up suddenly. “I’m just not hungry, sorry.” He doesn’t even take the plates with him before leaving the table, grabbing his backpack by the entrance and running upstairs to the safety of his room.

Once inside he presses his back against the door and slides down onto the floor, mentally exhausted from all the shit he had to go through today. He can’t believe it’s barely been twenty-four hours since his whole life started falling apart. He isn’t even being dramatic about that. He can’t imagine anything being the same ever again.

There’s a knock on his door and Jihoon throws his head back onto it. “What?” 

“It’s me Jeonghan,” Jihoon covers his face with his hands and groans. “We need to talk.”

“We’ve talked enough today, hyung!”

Jeonghan is quiet for a second. “I’m really sorry about earlier Jihoon. Please open the door so we can talk about it properly.” Jihoon sits stubbornly on the floor, back pressed to the door. When several minutes have passed and Jeonghan hasn’t moved on the other side, Jihoon sighs and gets up to open the door. 

“What do you want?” He says to Jeonghan. His brother is wearing specs so it’s hard to see his eyes, but Jihoon thinks he might see a little regret in them. He wants to ignore it.

“Mom’s right, we never fight,” he says and Jihoon shakes his head.

“Imagine my surprise then when you treated me like that in front of the entire school!”

“I was angry!”

“So talk to _me_ , hyung! Don’t announce your anger to all of our classmates!” Jihoon’s grip on his door is so tight he feels like he could slam the entire thing in Jeonghan’s face any minute now.

“You and Seungcheol have always been close!” He defends. “You met him before me and you always hang out on your own and I _know_ you well enough to see through the way you look at him.”

“What does that even mean?” He asks back, but it’s weak.

“You like him,” Jeonghan says like it’s the most obvious thing. “You’re probably even in love with him.”

“And what? You can tell that from a look?” He asks incredulously and Jeonghan looks back at him with slight pity, enough to make Jihoon sick. “What even is this ‘look’?”

“I don’t know? You get these big puppy eyes and you stare only at him whenever he's in the room,” Jeonghan looks straight at him and Jihoon forces himself to not look away. "I always see it and I’m never wrong about these things.”

“Jeonghan,” Jihoon says slowly. “I wrote this song not to confess to Seungcheol but to deal with my feelings. To let them go. I never planned to go after him, I know he’s yours.”

“Seungcheol isn’t a possession, Jihoon.”

“I _know_ that. What I mean is,” he licks his lips, looking away. “I never planned to take him away from you.”

Jeonghan is silent for a long minute. “You do realize Seungcheol is his own person?”

“Of course!”

“And maybe Seungcheol adores you just as much?”

Jihoon chuckles incredulously. “Seungcheol and you are meant to be, whatever I feel–“ he clears his throat – “felt for him is irrelevant.”

“Plus you’re with Soonyoung now,” Jeonghan reminds him, eyes narrowing, and Jihoon blushes. "How is that going by the way?" 

"It's great. He's really good to me." Jihoon realizes that both points are true. 

Jeonghan sighs. "I know you're mad at me but you don't need to pretend you're in a relationship to prove a point. I feel bad already." 

"Oh my god, Jeonghan this isn't about you!"

"What if I told you I saw Soonyoung making out with a girl at a party last weekend?" 

Jihoon freezes. _Fuck, Soonyoung seriously?!_ He thinks, and the guy didn't have the decency to let him know? "I'd say you're lying," he tries, just in case. 

Jeonghan watches him for a second. "I was," he admits and Jihoon almost smiles in relief. "But I still don't get what you're trying to prove by dating Soonyoung."

"Nothing? We like each other and that's what people do when they like each other, Jeonghan. They date. I figure you're familiar with the concept." They stand there, facing each other with the awkward space of the doorway between them and nobody talks for a few long seconds, Jeonghan clearly still unconvinced. "Hyung,” Jihoon says first, gripping the door again and growing annoyed that Jeonghan is trying to point arrows at him again. “What you did today, I can’t just forgive you for that. It was humiliating and mortifying and if you have your own weird little jealousy issues, it’s none of my business. I never wanted or planned to act upon my feelings and now you're questioning me about a relationship I actually feel comfortable and safe in? Make up your mind if you're sorry or if you want me to admit to something you made up in your head,” Jihoon tries to stay calm, but his voice shakes despite himself. “I don’t think we have anything else to say to each other.”

“I didn’t mean to get so carried away, Jihoon,” Jeonghan says and Jihoon may not be as good as his hyung at reading people, but he does see some sort of shame cloud his eyes. It doesn’t fit Jeonghan. His tall and handsome and effortlessly confident brother with an equally handsome boyfriend and a cult that worships his hair and his voice with a force of an army. His hyung rarely admits he’s at fault, Jihoon thinks this is as much of an apology as he’ll get.

“All my insecurities and all my deepest secrets… You told them to the entire school,” Jihoon feels his grip shaking and he can’t keep eye contact anymore. Is he really going to cry again? “From all the people in the world who could hurt me, hyung, I never thought you’d do that to me. If you know people as well as you say you do, despite writing _Habit_ , despite liking Seungcheol for maybe as long as three years, I’d never _ever_ betray you the way you betrayed me today. You should have known that. I expected the same from you.” He’s proud of himself for saying all that, he really is. He just wishes he could keep looking straight at Jeonghan as he said it.

“I’m still mad, Jihoon,” Jeonghan says quietly. “I’m sorry but I just… I can’t stand the thought of you liking him and Seungcheol liking you back…” 

“Who said anything about him liking me back? That’s something you’ve created in your head and it gives you no right to treat me the way you did earlier!” He says not realizing his voice was rising. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, hyung,” he sighs. “I had a long day and I’m tired.” Jeonghan tries to say something else but Jihoon’s had enough. “Good night,” he says closing the door in his brother’s face and taking a few breaths once he’s in the solidarity of his own room again.

At least Jeonghan had the decency to explain himself, not that it was enough. Jihoon isn’t sure how he’ll face people at school after they’ve heard all that. But he has Soonyoung, he thinks, a pleasant little addition at expense of Jeonghan’s insecurities. Jihoon never realized how weak Jeonghan is when it comes to Seungcheol, they always seemed so sturdy. The ideal couple.

He sighs again walking to his computer pressing spacebar to wake it up. The page is still on SoundCloud and each of his confession songs has over two hundred thousand listens. It usually takes him at least a month to get to a hundred thousand. He decides once again to keep them there and this time the decision is likely final. If these songs are out there to ruin his life, they might as well bring some exposure to him. He does rearrange how the songs are listed, though, and puts _To Soonyoung: Adore U_ first on his page. He thinks that’s rather appropriate for his current situation.

The rest of the night he spends catching up on work and trying to distract himself with anything that doesn’t remind him of that entire day. His mom tries to talk to him a few times but Jihoon sends her away each time, not in the mood for any long talks anymore. Once he’s all washed up and in bed, he’s sleepy but quickly checks his phone anyway. There are no messages from Seungcheol this time but there’s one from Soonyoung from five minutes ago.

 

Soonyoung [23:10]: ill pick u up tomorrow at 7:40! goodnight boyfieeee <3

 

Jihoon lets out something between a laugh and a groan. How cheesy.

 

Jihoon [23:15]: don’t call me that

Soonyoung [23:15]: but ure my boyfreeeeeend ><

Jihoon [23:16]: oh god stop it

Soonyoung [23:16]: dont be rude!!

Jihoon [23:16]: im not rude, i said please

Soonyoung [23:16]: no u didn’t!!!!

Jihoon [23:17]: i did just then :)

Soonyoung [23:17]: very cute jihoonie

Jihoon [23:17]: im not cute either

Soonyoung [23:17]: youre adorable!! 

Jihoon [23:17]: no

Soonyoung [23:18]: at the diner when u pouted when the waitress said they have no rice at the restaurant aaaaaaa jihoonie is so so cute~~

Jihoon [23:18]: I will block you.

Soonyoung [23:18]: no u wont.. we’re loving boyfriends of three weeks ♡___♡ 

Jihoon [23:18]: goodnight soonyoung 

Soonyoung [23:18]: i love uuuuuuuu

 

Jihoon knows Soonyoung is messing with him but he actually blushes.

 

Jihoon [23:19]: isn’t it too early for that? its only been three weeks

Soonyoung [23:19]: okay fine…

Soonyoung [23:19]: I adore uuuuuuuuu :3

Jihoon [23:19]: GOODNIGHT

Soonyoung [23:19]: goodnight jihoonie ;) ♡♡♡

 


	3. Chapter 3

Jihoon learns pretty quickly that Kwon Soonyoung was right- he is in fact an amazing fake boyfriend.   

Just as promised, Soonyoung diligently takes him to school and back daily. If he has to practice late, he’ll give him a proper heads up and Jihoon rides with Jun instead. Jihoon has stayed a few times to watch Soonyoung’s practices though, and sure he has seen Soonyoung dance in recitals and end of the year shows but he hasn’t seen Soonyoung in his most raw dancing state in years– sweaty, passionate, completely focused on his work. It’s mesmerizing. He starts trying to come as often as he can and the little smiles Soonyoung shoots him in the middle of practicing pile up in the corner of his heart.

Soonyoung shows his phone background of the awkward Jihoon close up to all his friends and invites Jihoon to sit with them at lunch daily, but never forcefully. That's probably Jihoon's favorite quality about Soonyoung so far – his patience. He never forces Jihoon into anything.

They usually hold hands around school but if Jihoon doesn’t want to, Soonyoung doesn't push it. He’ll put his arm over him instead, maybe lay a gentle hand on his back, just to keep appearances, but doesn’t overstep any boundaries. Considering how irritated and stubborn Jihoon can get about the issue, he is extremely grateful for Soonyoung’s respect in that matter.

Naturally, their relationship gains attention immediately. At first it's just people staring in shock when they pass by in the hallways and, while soonyoung is completely immune to them and responds to curious eyes with innocent grins, Jihoon hates it. Each time they walk to class he tightens his hold on his textbooks and Soonyoung’s hand and doesn’t look up from the ground.

“How do you not care?” Jihoon asks exasperatedly. It’s only been three days, but Jihoon can’t take people staring at them in the cafeteria anymore and he didn’t reserve the studio room in advance to escape there. He told Soonyoung he wanted to eat alone on the bleachers and Soonyoung didn’t want him eating by himself. To his own surprise, Jihoon doesn't mind the company.

“Hmmm,” Soonyoung thinks aloud, chewing on the rice in his bento. Since his parents are bakers, they’re also wonderful cooks. Today he has rice, fried chicken in a maroon sauce that’s probably equal parts spicy and sweet, and a piece of sesame cake on the side. Jihoon wonders at what point in their relationship would it be appropriate to ask Soonyoung's mom to make him a lunchbox too. “I just don’t?” He answers finally with a lopsided smile. The response is stupid and Jihoon sighs.

“Aren’t you lucky…” Jihoon is mixing his instant ramyeon without eating it and ignores Soonyoung watching him.

Despite Soonyoung's amazingness as a fake boyfriend, there is still one downside: Soonyoung and Jihoon are essentially strangers. Sure, they were friends in first year and sure, Jihoon had feelings for Soonyoung but they were very different people two years ago. When they stopped talking, their paths went completely separate ways. Not only in their social lives, but their studies, too. They can’t communicate with each other the way they used to and Jihoon can’t even really remember how they used to.

“They’ll forget about it soon, Jihoon,” Soonyoung says finally. “There’s always gossip for the first week or two, then it relaxes.”

“Didn’t you want to be the 'it couple' or something ridiculous like that?” Jihoon asks looking up at Soonyoung who quickly looks down at his food, smiling.

“That’s not something that can be done overnight,” he explains pointedly and takes a chicken piece in his mouth, chewing loudly, eyes meeting Jihoon’s again. God, Jihoon really wants to try one but he’s too shy to ask. “We gotta become it.”

Jihoon watches him back, brow raised. “And how exactly?”

“It can’t be forced-“

“You walking me to class all the time holding my hand isn’t forced?”

Soonyoung waves his hand as if shooing away Jihoon’s complaint. “That’s just proper boyfriend etiquette! Plus I don’t walk you to every class…” That’s true. It’s still at least a couple of times a day. “It’s only been a week, Jihoon. Your brother and Seungcheol were together since first year, we won’t be able to catch up that quickly.”

Jihoon slurps up some noodles all the while watching Soonyoung talk about this entire thing with so much excitement it’s worrying. “I feel like this is a game for you.”

Soonyoung grins, eyes squinting cutely. “I’m just having fun. Has your brother apologized?”

“Define apologize,” Jihoon mutters with a small grimace, his conversation with his brother Monday night reappearing in his head. They haven’t really spoken since and Seungcheol also stopped trying to contact him. It’s only been a few days, but it feels like he has lost his best friends a lifetime ago.

“Then I don’t want to give up until he does,” Soonyoung’s smile has melted into a serious expression and Jihoon can’t look away until Soonyoung breaks eye contact, picking up a large crispy looking piece of chicken. “Want one?”

Jihoon blinks up from staring at the food and clears his throat. “Sure,” he says casually letting Soonyoung feed him, a cheeky smile on his fake boyfriend's face and a subtle hand moving his lunchbox between them so they can share.

 

✉

 

Soonyoung ends up being right once again. After the first week of maintaining appearances as boyfriends, it’s like their classmates have lost complete interest by the second week. They still glance at them occasionally, but it’s much more casual and Jihoon feels like he can face the world again. Soonyoung also backs off from walking him to class all the time and Jihoon realizes he’s not so afraid of being alone in the hallways anymore. It’s like Soonyoung inadvertently trained him for this.  

They switch the constant walking to class for Jihoon joining Soonyoung’s friends at lunch almost every day. Jihoon doesn’t mind, Soonyoung’s friends are all incredibly fun people. Soonyoung is considered one of the more popular kids in his grade if not in the entire high school, especially in the dance circle, so his friend group is considerably larger than Jihoon’s. There’s Seokmin, a grade under them, with a voice loud enough to shake the cafeteria windows whether he’s singing or not. He’s fun and perhaps a little dopey but his heart is large and kind and he’s the first one out of Soonyoung’s friends who helped Jihoon feel like he belonged.

There’s Seungkwan and Hansol, too. Seungkwan works with Jeonghan and quickly apologizes for his boss’ behavior to which Jihoon politely nods, wanting more than anything to forget that day ever happened. Hansol, meanwhile, is a first year music theory student and out of everyone at the table, Jihoon clicks with him best, bonding over writing music.

Mingyu joins a few times as well, and regretfully as a drama student, his constant references to _Come to Me_ continue to be dramatic and loud and mortifying. Thankfully the people at the table start shutting him up after a few repetitive jokes, especially Soonyoung who feigns rather impressive jealousy, arm possessive around Jihoon's waist. Jihoon was never very close with Mingyu. He mostly knew him as Jun's best friend's hot best friend. The crush he had on him was minimal, which is ironic considering Mingyu's response was the loudest. Mingyu's best friend is Minghao, Soonyoung's dance apprentice from China. He sits at the table, too, which also means that Jun does sometimes as well, a comfort for Jihoon when all the new faces are overwhelming even if Soonyoung's presence is a calming force by his side.

The person at the table who intimidates Jihoon the most is definitely Wonwoo. It’s like Wonwoo senses the lie and spends each lunch Jihoon joins them watching him with sharp piercing eyes. He is more quiet than the rest, often with a book in his hand even while everyone’s talking, but Jihoon knows Wonwoo doesn’t miss any detail and if Soonyoung tries to tease Jihoon by feeding him some of his kimchi or sharing his boxed apple juice, Wonwoo’s eyes are always watching him and Jihoon can’t help but watch nervously back. 

“I think Wonwoo knows we're lying,” Jihoon tells Soonyoung just as much on their way from school one day.

“Well, even if he does I never told him anything,” Soonyoung says switching radio stations before he drives out of the parking lot. He finds a station playing a Shinee song and screams 'YES!' before noticing Jihoon’s glare. “Listen, he has no proof, okay? He didn’t bother me about it either and if he does, I’ll take care of it,” he smiles and starts the car muttering the lyrics as the song blasts on the speakers. They leave it at that because one of the first things Jihoon learned in their fake relationship, is that nothing can interfere between Soonyoung and Shinee.

 

✉

 

Jihoon’s favorite part of his relationship with Soonyoung quickly becomes their promised anime nights.

They spend their first ‘bonding’ time watching _One Piece_ ’s Marineford Arc at Soonyoung’s house. It’s easier than watching at Jihoon’s place where the three brothers are still not speaking with each other. Soonyoung’s older sisters are away at university anyway, so the space is free of the potential painful awkwardness that arises when siblings ignore each other. They binge watch the entire thirty episodes all night and Jihoon is grateful that Soonyoung’s parents don’t comment when they find two high school boys sobbing at 7:30 in the morning on their living room floor. After the hell is done, they fall asleep right there on the carpet in front of Soonyoung's couch and Jihoon wakes up at dusk, his back aching from the floor and Soonyoung snoring softly by his side and all he can think is how he can’t wait to do it again next week.

When Jihoon’s mom asks him where he was, he tells her he was celebrating his one month anniversary with Soonyoung by watching anime and his mom smiles warmly, ruffling his hair. As she walks away, he hears her mutter, “Is that what kids call it these days..." 

It’s almost the weekend again when Soonyoung comes inside Jihoon’s regular studio loudly and without knocking. Out of everything, that’s the one thing Soonyoung just cannot improve no matter how many times Jihoon asks. The most annoying part is that deep down, Jihoon doesn’t even really mind.

“Jihoonie,” he says, two sandwiches in his hand, “What are we watching this weekend?” The second weekend, they watched _Kimi no Na Wa_. When the credits started rolling the boys were sobbing and Soonyoung’s mom silently brought them freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and two cups of warm milk, which Jihoon had to admit really helped.

Jihoon swivels around in his chair, watching Soonyoung drop onto the couch, and takes one of the sandwiches Soonyoung hands over. “Thanks,” he mumbles, unwrapping it. “Also knock next time, or should I add it to our list for you to actually follow through?”

Soonyoung shrugs while biting on the sandwich. “I kinda like how intense your eyes get when you’re annoyed about it,” he says casually and watches him while he chews on his food and Jihoon clears his throat ignoring the weird comment. Yet another thing Soonyoung is good at that– dropping little remarks that cause Jihoon to feel the heat on the tips of his ears when he tries to keep it off his face.

“So you enjoy pissing me off?”

“No,” Soonyoung shakes his head, solemnly. “I enjoy teasing you. Teasing!”

Jihoon sighs and decides to drop it before Soonyoung says something that manages to paint his cheeks crimson for real this time. “We could watch something fun for once. I think your mom won’t let me in your house anymore if we start sobbing again.” Soonyoung purses his lips at that and Jihoon’s eyes narrow. “What is it?”

“Well…” He starts slowly. “I was thinking we’ll watch something at your house this time?”

Jihoon feels a cold shiver run along his back. “Why? Did your parents say something?”

“What?” Soonyoung’s eyes widen. “No, no! They like you a lot! They actually wanted you to come for dinner again tomorrow..." he grows shy and Jihoon realizes what he's about to say. "I kind of want to meet your family too,” he finishes not meeting Jihoon’s eyes.

Jihoon watches him a little dumbfounded for a moment. His mom keeps inviting Soonyoung over all the time and really it makes sense for him to meet her properly, especially since their relationship according to them has been going on for over a month now. “My brothers…” Jihoon says quietly and Soonyoung’s shoulders drop slightly.

“It shouldn’t even matter so much,” Soonyoung laughs awkwardly. “I mean it’s a fake relationship right? I guess I just feel like I’m missing out a little.” Jihoon stares down at his uneaten sandwich, the chicken, the mayonnaise, the green lettuce poking through. He and Chan are on speaking terms again, though they still bicker a lot. His mom and him are fine, but the real issue is Jeonghan. “Forget it, Jihoon,” Soonyoung distracts him, his hand on his forearm. “It’s fine really, maybe next week?” Jihoon nods at that and Soonyoung smiles, though it doesn't reach his eyes and takes another bite of his food.  “Have you been working on the song?”

Last week, Soonyoung had asked Jihoon to compose him a song for the recital coming up and Jihoon immediately smirked. “Now I know why you were really willing to fake date me.”

Soonyoung immediately gasped. “I’ve wanted to ask for years!” He claimed enthusiastically. “I was always too shy but now you can’t say no if I’m your boyfriend, right?” He grins and Jihoon’s smile softens. The Kwon Soonyoung was shy because of him? When the odds are like that, how could Jihoon not agree?  

“Do you want to hear it?” Jihoon asks swiveling back to the computer and pressing the spacebar to light up the display. The song is almost done, it wasn't hard getting inspiration from all the practicing he's watched Soonyoung do. Soonyoung nods quickly and Jihoon can’t stop smiling as he looks for the song file. It always feels nice when people are excited for his music, but when it's Soonyoung eagerly sitting on his couch, sandwich forgotten and eyes completely focused on Jihoon's computer screen, it feels even better.

“I still need to fix a few things and record lyrics but I wanted to see if maybe you wanted to sing for it?” Strangely, after all these years, Jihoon still remembers Soonyoung in their first year music class and his unique voice during warm up. He could definitely handle this song.

“I’m sure it’ll be amazing,” Soonyoung smiles at him and Jihoon turns away, feeling the recently recurring flustered feeling fill his chest. He presses play before he can overthink anything and takes a bite of his food. The song starts slow and there’s only a few backup voices Jihoon added to make the song sound smoother for the first listen. He watches Soonyoung the entire time, his foot bouncing off the floor with the tempo and his eyes glowing as the song continues. Jihoon can see ideas forming in them, Soonyoung already busy choreographing even during the first listen.

When the song is done, he doesn’t move for another second after which he slowly meets Jihoon’s eyes.

“It’s amazing. We should’ve started fake dating years ago,” he says, voice quiet and heavy with awe for Jihoon’s music and Jihoon smiles, thinking he could really get used to the sound of that.

 

✉

 

Seungcheol is at dinner that night. He still joins them pretty often, but it’s leagues more awkward than it used to be. Jihoon and him not speaking for three weeks now is endlessly weird because Jeonghan was right – Seungcheol and Jihoon are close. It’s weird not talking to him every day, not sending him some dumb meme he sees online and not joining Jeonghan and him when they’re watching TV in the living room. It’s weird sitting across from each other at the dinner table not being able to even meet his eyes. It’s weird to pretend that there’s nothing at all between them after years and years of knowing each other.

“So when will you invite Soonyoung over?” His mom asks when nobody has spoken for almost seven minutes. She asks every day.

Jihoon swallows his tiny bite of kimchi rice with great difficulty before replying, voice uncharacteristically raspy. “I don’t know.” The two have spoken about not discussing Seungcheol but part of his mom’s deal was that she'd meet Soonyoung. It’s been two weeks since that deal was made and his mom’s stare says just as much.

“Why hasn’t he come over?” Chan asks, legs crossed on his chair as he lazily mixes the food on his plate, clearly bored out of his mind by the awkward dinner event.

Jihoon is about to answer him when, out of all people, Seungcheol speaks, eyes familiar and warm on Jihoon. “He seems like a cool guy at school, you should let your mom meet him properly.” It's the first time he and Seungcheol have interacted in three weeks and Jihoon stares dumbly at him until Jeonghan’s stare from Seungcheol’s side shoos him away.

“I’ll ask him…” Jihoon says finally and feels like a fool for being unable to refuse Seungcheol. He knows everybody at the table has noticed but thankfully the diner returns to its usual painful silence and Jihoon tries not to think about the way Seungcheol smiled at him after he agreed.

That night, he gives up pretty quickly on his homework, the dinner conversation replaying in his head. He changes into his usual pajamas - black shirt and pajama shorts with a tiny Thor hammers all over - and takes out his phone to text Soonyoung good night (another little tradition they’ve started in the last few weeks).

 

Jihoon [22:21]: good night

Soonyoung [22:21]: …

Jihoon [22:21]: what?

Soonyoung [22:22]: are you okay?

Jihoon [22:22]: yeah?

Soonyoung [22:22]: are you sure you’re not feeling sick? did something happen?

Jihoon [22:22]: i’m fine soonyoung wtf

Soonyoung [22:22]: first of all you’re saying goodnight first and second of all it’s not even ten thirty I know for a fact that your daily bedtime is not before one in the mornign so im asking again

Soonyoung [22:23]: are you okay

Soonyoung [22:23]: are you feeling alright?

Jihoon [22:23]: ohmy god shut up im fine

Soonyoung [22:23]: maybe you ate something bad?

Soonyoung [22:23]: is this even jihoon speaking?

Jihoon [22:23]: of course it is

Soonyoung [22:24]: prove it

Jihoon [22:24]: you’re a dumbass

Soonyoung [22:24]: ugh i love it when you talk dirty to me

Jihoon [22:24]: I will block you

Soonyoung [22:25]: that's so sexy im working on my calc homework but if you really want I could take a break if u keep talking to me like that

Jihoon [22:25]: literally what the hell Soonyoung

Soonyoung [22:25]: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Jihoon [22:26]: I was going to ask you if you want to come over for dinner tomorrow but I think I’ve changed my mind

Soonyoung [22:26]: WHAT

Soonyoung [22:26]: NOOOO

Soonyoung [22:26]: IM SORRY

Soonyoung [22:26]: I WANT TO COME

Soonyoung [22:26]: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Soonyoung [22:27]: PLEASE

Soonyoung [22:28]: JIHOOOON PLEASE

Soonyoung [22:29]: I’LL BE GOOD I REALLY WANT TO GO

Soonyoung [22:30]: LEE JIHOON

Soonyoung [22:35]: LEE JIHOON IM LITERALLY ABOUT TO GET IN MY CAR PLEASE ANSWER ILL BE GOOD I PROMISE

Soonyoung [22:40]: GETTING INTO MY CAR AS WE SPEAK

Soonyoung [22:41]: STARTING THE CAR

Soonyoung [22:42]: IM ON MY WAY

Jihoon [22:42]: sorry I was just telling my mom ure coming

Jihoon [22:43]: soonyoung?

Jihoon [22:48]: please don’t tell me you’re actually coming here

 

Jihoon stares at his phone. He had just run downstairs for a moment to let his mom know his fake boyfriend is coming for dinner but he underestimated how rash Soonyoung can be. “Fuck,” he mutters, quickly running downstairs, not fully believing that Soonyoung is coming.

He can hear his mom talking on the phone in the kitchen and he passes Jeonghan and Seungcheol cuddling on the couch on his way to the front door. He's sure they noticed him but he rushes out the door anyway without acknowledging them.

Soonyoung had just parked his car in front of his house and is coming out when Jihoon reaches him.

“What the fuck Kwon Soonyoung! Check your phone!”

Soonyoung gasps, grabbing his chest, not expecting to have seen him. “Don’t scare me like that!” He breathes out. “Also no texting and driving!”

Jihoon can’t really argue with that one but he’s still unhappy. “I was joking! You didn’t have to come all the way here to apologize.”

“I don’t know if you were joking or not! Plus, I really thought you were getting sick so I wanted to double check,” he adds staring intently into Jihoon’s eyes. He raises his hand and feels Jihoon’s forehead. “You seem fine,” he smiles and Jihoon swats his hand away, while Soonyoung checks him up and down. “Also cute pajamas.”

Jihoon is suddenly very aware that most of his legs are bare and hopes the street light isn’t bright enough for Soonyoung to notice him blushing. “I told you I’m fine!” He grumbles. “I’m just tired. Thanks to you I’m probably too jumpy to go to sleep early now.” Soonyoung whines at that and Jihoon sighs. “Don’t feel bad,” he says trying not to show his own surprise at the instinct to comfort him. “Ten thirty was a pipe dream from the start. “

“I was very impressed with the effort,” Soonyoung smiles, seeming a little lighter and Jihoon rolls his eyes. “By the way, who I’m assuming is your little brother is definitely staring at us from the window.”

Jihoon freezes. “Which window?”

“Bottom left.”

“Oh god he’s spying on us for Jeonghan.”

“What? Why?”

“Because they don’t believe we’re dating.”

Soonyoung pouts. “They?”

“Well Jeonghan mostly, I think Seungcheol too.” Jihoon looks down chewing on his lip. “Damn it, you’re already coming to dinner tomorrow but Chan is spying on us and he’ll tell Jeonghan we just chatted and you drove away and Jeonghan will give me that ‘you’re a liar’ stare again and I can’t stand that stupid look of his.” Jihoon’s brain goes into overdrive remembering all the times Jeonghan threw small eye rolls whenever his mom tried to invite Soonyoung, his scrutinizing stare  when Jihoon sits in the cafeteria with Soonyoung’s arm over his shoulders and the first night when Jeonghan repeatedly told Jihoon he doesn’t have to lie about a relationship.

“Shh,” Soonyoung whispers placing his hands on his shoulders when he senses Jihoon’s panic. “We could-“

“Kiss me,” Jihoon says first staring back up at him, feeling desperate.

Soonyoung’s jaw drops. “But that’s against the rules.”

“Fuck the rules.”

“Maybe you are sick after all,” Soonyoung says trying to feel Jihoon’s forehead again and Jihoon pulls away, remembering Chan is still watching them.

“Damn it,” he grabs Soonyoung’s face trying to pull him down but Soonyoung strains his neck so Jihoon can’t.

“This is your first kiss,” Soonyoung grits out. “I won’t let it happen like this!”

“Who cares it’s just a kiss!”

“Says the guy who barely lets me hold his hand to class!” Jihoon frowns at that, his hands sliding down to Soonyoung’s shoulders. “Let me fake kiss you,” Soonyoung suggests with a nervous smile and Jihoon frown deepens.

“Because fake dating isn’t enough?”

“Exactly,” Soonyoung wets his lips and takes hold of Jihoon’s face placing his thumbs over his mouth. “Your brother is staring at us and talking he’s definitely telling Jeonghan everything it looks so funny.” Jihoon tries to reply but Soonyoung’s fingers are pressed softly over his lips. Instead he stares up at Soonyoung’s mouth, waiting.

Soonyoung lowers himself slowly, closing his eyes last minute when his lips land on his thumbs. Jihoon doesn’t. He stares cross-eyed at Soonyoung instead, seeing up close the little blackheads he has across his nose and how his eyelashes are tangled together as if he had just rubbed at his eyes. The fake kiss only lasts a few seconds before Soonyoung leans away and winks at him. “I can’t look at him directly but I think your brother’s mouth is open,” he says quietly, his warm breath spreading across Jihoon’s cheeks. Soonyoung moves his hand farther up Jihoon’s face so his thumb is now atop his cheek and kisses it there, lips never touching Jihoon’s skin.

“That was a great fake kiss,” he says by his ear and Jihoon lets out a breathy chuckle.

“Can’t wait to fake make out,” Jihoon jokes quietly, which makes Soonyoung grin widely as he pulls him close with one arm.

“Ah, Jihoonie! You’re so great, you know that right?” Jihoon doesn’t know what to say to that but hesitantly lets his forehead rest on Soonyoung’s chest and allowing himself be held for a little while longer, enjoying Soonyoung's hand rubbing soft circles on his back. “Now you really do feel warm,” he giggles and Jihoon pulls away quickly.

“You really know how to ruin a moment.”

Soonyoung tilts his head. “We were having a moment?”

Jihoon swallows, heart skipping realizing his slip up. “A fake moment.”

“Because nothing in our relationship is real?”

“Other than your idiocy.”

“And your kind words.”

“Of course,” Jihoon smile matches Soonyoung’s.

“I haven’t told you this, by the way,” Soonyoung says leaning on his car, rubbing his arms, suddenly uncomfortable. “But Seungcheol spoke to me the other day.”

Jihoon stills. “About what?”

“You.” Well, Jihoon could’ve guessed that for himself.

“What about me?”

Soonyoung runs a hand through his hair. It has turned into gray after the blue washed off and it's getting slightly long that during dance practice he has to tie back his fringe and Jihoon never thought he’d be attracted to man buns but he has to admit that Soonyoung works them rather well. “So, are you?” Soonyoung says distracting Jihoon from his thoughts making the boy blush.

“Sorry what?”

Soonyoung raises a hand. “Okay I know I’m a good fake kisser I just didn’t realize I’m that good.”

Jihoon punches his arm lightly. “Repeat what you said.”

“I said I know I’m a good fake kisser I just-“

Jihoon punches him again making Soonyoung laugh. “Not that part!”

“Seungcheol asked me if I told you not to speak to him anymore,” Soonyoung says, serious again. “Are you two not talking?”

Jihoon swallows. “Not really.” Soonyoung raises a brow. “Okay fine, we aren’t talking at all.”

“You know that doesn’t look too good,” Soonyoung says quietly.

“I’m pretty sure Jeonghan doesn’t want me talking to him,” he admits. It’s not the only reason Jihoon won’t talk to Seungcheol but it’s definitely one of them.

“Did Jeonghan tell you that though?” Jihoon bites his lip and shakes his head. “I think Seungcheol misses you,” Soonyoung says quietly, tilting his head to observe Jihoon’s reaction. “You should talk to him. As your fake boyfriend, I don’t mind.”

They don’t say anything for a long moment. “Do you still like him?” Soonyoung asks suddenly. His voice is still quiet but the question rattles Jihoon. It’s almost deafening. Jihoon realizes it’s not the question, but the person asking.

“I haven’t thought about him that way since we started dating,” he says, surprised that it’s truth.

“Fake dating,” Soonyoung corrects him and Jihoon sputters, turning red.

“Right, fake dating… Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Soonyoung smiles, stretching his arms up and Jihoon crosses his arms against an incoming breeze. He really didn't realize that he hadn’t thought of Seungcheol that way in weeks. He was too busy with school, writing music, ignoring Seungcheol and his brother and having a new social life that included a fake but very attentive boyfriend.

“Have you ever thought of Seungcheol liking you back?” Soonyoung asks suddenly and Jihoon’s eyes shoot up to meet his and Soonyoung looks away, sheepish. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, sorry. I’m just curious.”

Jihoon doesn’t answer right away, shifting his balance on his feet. “Of course I’ve thought about it. Imagined it, too,” he admits, surprised at how easy it is to be honest with Soonyoung. “Imagined Seungcheol coming to me telling me he broke up with Jeonghan and that he wants me instead. How we might share a romantic kiss and run away to Jeju where Jeonghan can’t ever find us.” He chuckles at himself. “Of course it’s all dumb fantasies, we’ve all had those about our unrequited crushes.” Soonyoung purses his lips and Jihoon punches him yet again. “Don’t tell me you’ve never had an unrequited crush.”

“I’m sorry!” He yells grabbing his arm. “I've never had one!”

“God I hate you!” Jihoon’s fists clench and Soonyoung winces apologetically. “You seriously don’t know what an unrequited crush is?”

“I mean… I’ve heard of them?”

“You’re impossible.”

“I’m sorry Jihoonie,” he smiles shyly and Jihoon shakes his head.

“You’re lucky then. Unrequited crushes are pain and humiliation. My songs can vouch for that.”

“I mean, I’ve had people not like me back before…” Soonyoung admits carefully. “I kind of just forgot about it and moved on.”

“Well isn’t life just peachy for you!” Jihoon smiles but its sarcastic and Soonyoung flushes.

“I’m sure they aren’t all that bad, it’s also an… experience.”

Jihoon actually laughs at that. “Sure, right. The pain of liking someone so much you can’t stop thinking about them. Dreaming, wishing, hoping, for them to feel the same. Seeing them like someone else while you desperately crave their attention and want more than anything for them to see you the way you see them. You’re missing out on the heartbreak and the constant powerful need to be romantically validated by the person you’re in love with, but instead staying on the side and watching them fall in love with someone else.”

“In love with?” Soonyoung echoes watching Jihoon with clouded eyes. “Are you in love with him?”

Jihoon licks his lips, the breath escaping his lungs shuddering. “I think I probably was,” he admits and they’re both quiet until a cat screeches down the road and they come back to reality. “I should go to bed,” Jihoon says when his heart stops racing from the sudden noise.

“Right,” Soonyoung clears his throat. “Fuck, you must be freezing,” he adds noticing Jihoon’s crossed arms and the goosebumps across his pale forearms. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jihoon smiles, then he asks more quietly. “Is Chan still staring?”

Soonyoung smiles softly. “No, he’s been gone for a while.”

They stand awkwardly for another moment and eventually Jihoon rocks on his feet and nods with finality. “Alright, I’ll go first.”

“Okay,” Soonyoung grins, but it seems weak in comparison with his usual radiant smile.

“You good?”

Soonyoung blinks trying to clear up his eyes. “Yes, of course.” Then he pauses licking his lips. “I guess I underestimated unrequited crushes. I’m sorry I’ve I caused you that pain.”

Jihoon scoffs, smiling up at Soonyoung. “It’s okay. I think all this fake dating disaster is pay back enough.”

Soonyoung doesn’t smile back but nods. “I’ll keep up my best fake boyfriend activities.”

“Sure,” Jihoon says starting to walk backwards towards the house. “You’ve been doing pretty well up until now.”

“Really?” Soonyoung exclaims, grin stretching into its usual brightness.

“Goodnight Soonyoung!” Jihoon says turning around and running the last few steps to the door and waves one more time at Soonyoung before he enters the house. When he walks by the living room, Seungcheol and Jeonghan are watching him with wide eyes.

"Soonyoung wanted to wish me goodnight." He tries to say it confidently but it comes out shy and awkward anyway.

"That's sweet of him," Jeonghan says. He sounds like he means it and Jihoon kind of agrees. "There's a Masked Singer rerun, wanna watch?" He asks and Jihoon blinks at him, surprised. Jeonghan's been trying to talk to Jihoon more often but not like this... Was Soonyoung's fake kiss that powerful?

"I think I'm good," he manages to say, his voice quiet even to his own ears.

"You sure?" Seungcheol asks this time and Jihoon nods with a tight smile. The boyfriends exchange a small look and Jihoon wonders if they thought Jihoon would decide to stay if Seungcheol asked.

"Another time?" He asks instead and when his eyes meet Seungcheol's, he gives him a small smile that Seungcheol returns after a beat.

"Sleep well, Hoonie~" Jeonghan says turning up the volume on the TV and Jihoon quickly away from Seungcheol and to to the floor, clearing his throat.

"Goodnight," he says again giving them a small smile and as he leaves he hears Seungcheol's voice follow him out, "goodnight Jihoon!"

 _In love with Seungcheol?_ He thinks as he goes up the stairs to his room. He doesn't really know what being in love meant. Was he in love? Did he fall out of love? Is he still in love? He doesn't know. But he does know that he doesn't want to be, that liking or loving Seungcheol was never something he really wanted to follow through with. Even now when Jeonghan is so wrongfully sure that Seungcheol likes him back Jihoon realizes, that strangely, he really, really doesn't want that.

That night Jihoon does go to bed at around one in the morning, as predicted by Soonyoung, and falls asleep to thoughts about his very fake relationship with a very real boy and old fantasies featuring someone new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading!! and thank u to cj for helping make this legible i love uuuuuuuuuuu <3  
> 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a dinner and a party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally boarding my flight in ten minutes lol and im too antsy to keep this in docs any longer... its like 12k..... happy october and happy soon birthday jeonghan<3 i know this fic may be a little harsh towards jeonghannie but please know i love him very much;-;
> 
> also verrrry loosely edited i might go back to make some changes later but in any case i hope everyone enjoys reading♡

On Friday Soonyoung’s excitement at school is palpable. Jihoon decides to eat lunch at the cafeteria with everyone and it turns out he isn’t the only one who noticed.

“What’s gotten you so energetic?” Wonwoo frowns. “You’re going to choke on your food if you keep bouncing around.” Jihoon is on Sooyoung's other side eating a spoonful of rice and thinks maybe he should be telling his fake boyfriend things like that.

“I’m meeting Jihoon’s family today,” Soonyoung grins answering Wonwoo but looks at Jihoon instead making the latter blush for the third time that day. The first time was when he picked him up in the morning asking if Jihoon had been thinking about their fake kiss all night. The second was when he took his textbooks in one hand and Jihoon’s hand in his other when they walked to the cafeteria and Jihoon wondered if maybe next week he’ll finally stop blushing every time he did that.

“Awwww~” Seokmin grins, eyes turning into cheery crescents. “That’s so cute, Soonyoungie!” He reaches across the table to poke him on the cheek and then grins at Jihoon. “He’s been whining non stop about wanting to meet them,” he tells Jihoon and Soonyoung’s head lifts to glare at Seokmin. “What?" Seokmin winces. "Was I not supposed to say that?"

Jihoon laughs lightly before Seokmin freaks out completely. “It’s fine, I’ve wanted to invite him for a while too but things just–“ He licks his lips thinking of the right way to explain it. “Didn’t line up properly until now.”

“Ah, yeah...” Seokmin starts oozing concern. “Hannie-hyung told me you aren’t talking.”

 _Right,_ Jihoon thinks. Seokmin is Jeonghan’s little radio apprentice from last year and the two are actually pretty close because of it.

“We’re getting there,” Jihoon looks away, picking at his food and feels Soonyoung's hand stutter next to his as if wanting to take it but then changing his mind. 

Luckily Hansol joins their table before the awkward pause can stretch too long, sitting on Jihoon’s other side. “Will you check out this song I’m making?” He asks, eagerly and Jihoon happily agrees, leaving the old conversation behind.

“I’ll come over around…?” Soonyoung asks later, when they park outside Jihoon's house after school. 

“Um,” Jihoon glances at his watch not even registering what time it is but just out of habit. “Maybe seven thirty? I’ll ask my mom and text you.”

“Deal,” Soonyoung grins. They both sit awkwardly in the car before Jihoon clears his throat and speaks first.

“I’ll see you later?”

“Definitely!!” Soonyoung says too loudly and Jihoon smiles one last time before he leaves the car waving at Soonyoung from his porch and watches him finally drive away. He does that every time and never leaves before Jihoon is unlocking the door. Jihoon shakes his head hoping that’ll calm his heart, he really likes when he does that…

Dinner really is at eight so Soonyoung coming at seven thirty is good enough, Jihoon even texts him saying he can take his time.

 

Soonyoung [16:44]: HOW??? IM SO DAMN NERVOUS

Jihoon [16:44]: it’ll be fine soonyoung my mom already knows you

Soonyoung [16:45]: BUT NOT AS YOUR BOYFRIEND

Soonyoung [16:45]: AND JEONGHAN

Soonyoung [16:45]: AGHGHGHGH

Jihoon [16:45]: please breathe

Soonyoung [16:50]: [image attachment] how’s this????

Jihoon [16:58]: it’s just a reg friday dinner omfg take off that suit

Soonyoung [16:59]: YOU CAN’T JUST NOT ANSWER FOR TEN MINUTES IM SOF UCKING NERVOUS

Jihoon [17:03]: just wear a button up and some jeans that's eough

Soonyoung [17:04]: ughgh fine

Soonyoung [17:10]: [image attachment] hows this?

Jihoon [17:15]: perfect :)

Soonyoung [17:16]: ofmg its horrible I knew it

Jihoon [17:17]: I LITERALLY JUST TOLD YOU IT’S FINE

Soonyoung [17:17]: oh god first u add that weird ass smiley face then u capslock jihoon im so sorry I’ll wear something else

JIhoon [17:18]: you’re literally insane just wear that it looks nice i promise

Soonyoung [17:18]: ……...GGGGHHHHHAHHHHH

Soonyoung [17:18]: fine

Jihoon [17:19]: good. I need to finish something for hansol ill see u soon?

Soonyoung [17:20]: yes ill text before I leave

 

Only afterwards does Jihoon realize Soonyoung never did his ritual ‘adore u’ whenever they’re finishing a conversation on text. He giggles opening Hansol’s file, he really must be nervous as hell.

 

✉

 

Soonyoung shows up at seven thirty-five with two bouquets, his blue hair has faded into some sort of shade of green and is parted cutely to the side. He’s also wearing the button up Jihoon recognizes from the picture he sent and is looking like an all-around perfect picture of a boyfriend.

“These are for you,” he tells Jihoon with a shy smile, handing over a bouquet of pink roses. Jihoon takes them tentatively and smells them before looking up at Soonyoung with a cheeky smile.

“What’s this? Trying to charm the Lee household?”

Soonyoung leans forward with wide eyes and whispers. “Is it working?”

“Maybe,” Jihoon smirks and lets Soonyoung in. His mom hears the commotion and glances out of the kitchen, still in her apron and quickly goes back in to take it off and come out to greet Soonyoung.

“Good evening!” Soonyoung bows politely. “I’m Kwon Soonyoung, the man dating your son. I am very honored to meet you.”

“The _man_ dating my son, huh?” Jihoon’s mom smiles fondly, eyes twinkling with laughter and Jihoon tries not to be obviously embarrassed. “Well it’s nice to finally meet you properly Kwon Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung boys again and then hands her the flowers, blushing cutely. “There are for you madam.” Jihoon can’t help but scoff at that. Where the hell did the French come from?

“You can call me Jia,” she says taking the flowers and Soonyoung blinks, clearly shocked at being offered to call her by her first name. “I’ll go put these in some water, make yourself at home meanwhile,” she looks over to Jihoon. “Come help me for a second?”

“I’ll be right back,” he tells Soonyoung quickly. “You can put on one of my slippers if you want, they’re the light blue ones.” Then he follows his mom to the kitchen to help arrange the flowers in some vases.

“He’s so cute,” she tells him cutting the stems of the roses slightly shorter so they can fit in the vase. “The hair is a little funny, but I like him a lot already,” she grins and then nods towards the hallway. “Go make sure he’s not just standing there awkwardly before Chan bombards him.” Jihoon nods quickly putting his mom's white roses she trimmed in a vase and goes to Soonyoung trying not to feel flustered by his mother’s words.

Soonyoung is, as his mom said, standing awkwardly in the entrance still, texting on his phone. When Jihoon comes up to him he blinks up and pockets it away.

“I’m seriously stressed,” he mutters, eyes a little shaky. “I don’t think I was this stressed meeting Momo’s parents.”

“Relax, it’s fake anyway,” Jihoon says in a quiet voice.

“Maybe that’s why I’m more nervous?” He chuckles. “I mean… I’m trying very hard to make it seem real, you know?” He wets his lips. “Or maybe cause we’re both guys…”

“Jeonghan has had a boyfriend for three years,” Jihoon’s arm cross but he smiles fondly. “I think my mom is fine with me dating a guy.”

“Right,” Soonyoung mouth tugs up for a split second but he’s still clearly not himself yet.

“Want a tour of the house?” Jihoon asks hoping it’ll calm him down and Soonyoung nods.

They start from the living room, wave hi to his mom in the kitchen, the dining room, and head upstairs. Jihoon points at every door explaining what’s what but only shows the inside of his own room.

“So this is where the magic happens?” Soonyoung smiles wickedly observing every wall, shelf, and corner of Jihoon’s room.

“Glad to see you’re back to normal,” he mutters but means it. Soonyoung has visibly relaxed walking around the house. Thankfully they didn’t bump into any of Jihoon’s brothers yet, but they could hear Chan yelling at his computer in his room.

“Woah!” Soonyoung approaches Jihoon’s desk where he has some composing stuff laying around, mostly just old tech that Bumzu didn’t need any more in the music department. “Okay, _this_ is where the magic happens!” Jihoon can’t deny that. “Do you work a lot from home?”

“When I have time, yeah,” Jihoon comes up to the desk too.

“Can you maybe, um, teach me some?” Soonyoung asks hopefully. “Composing, I mean.”

“I still have some last details to finish up with your song, if you wanna help me with that?”

“Right now?” Soonyoung asks already reaching for the computer and Jihoon grabs him by the wrist.

“No, right now we have dinner,” Jihoon laughs. “I mean in general, among other projects. We can work on it next week, okay?”

Soonyoung grins happily. “Yes!” They hear a knock on the door and Jihoon’s first reflex is to let go of Soonyoung, his hand almost dropping onto the desk.

“Yeah?” He calls out.

“Mom’s calling for dinner!” It’s Chan and Jihoon almost scoffs that Chan actually knocked on his door for once.

“Coming!” Then he looks over to Soonyoung. “That was Chan, by the way.”

“We’ve met,” Soonyoung grins recalling yesterday night. “Sort of.” Jihoon ignores the comment and leads them downstairs to the dining room.

When they get there everyone’s already sitting, dinner steaming and looking delicious on the table.

“Woah!” Soonyoung says on autopilot. Then he blinks looking around the room once again. “Thank you for dinner, Miss Jia!”

Jihoon’s mom smiles so wide he’s rarely seen her like that. “Of course, come sit Soonyoung,” she says tapping the chair closest to her and Jihoon belatedly realizes that they’ll be sitting across from Jeonghan and Seungcheol, while Chan on the usually free spot across his mom where their dad used to sit.

Soonyoung walks shyly towards her nodding hello at Seungcheol and Jeonghan and giving Chan a quick handshake since he hasn’t met him before. Jihoon can tell Chan loves that because he grins widely at him, mirroring their mother.

“So tell us about yourself,” Mom says when everyone starts eating.

It’s an awkward table because the hostility between the two couples is a little too obvious, Soonyoung still hasn’t forgiven Jeonghan for that radio fiasco. Jihoon isn’t really speaking to either of them and the only time Seungcheol and Soonyoung have ever spoken was when Seungcheol accused him of forbidding Jihoon to speak to him in the first place. It’s a mess. The only people actually involved in the conversation are Jihoon’s mom, Chan, and Soonyoung himself.

“I’m a dancer,” Soonyoung starts sheepishly. “Jihoon and I actually used to dance together in first year… I love choreographing so I usually help with the performances at school, and whenever I have free time I help out my mom at our bakery. Um… My birthday is June 15th, I’m seventeen and a Gemini…  I have two older sisters they’re both in college one is studying to be a nurse while the other wants to be an architect…”

Jihoon’s mom has her chin in the palm of her hand as she watches Soonyoung with warm eyes and nods through his introduction.

“What genre do you dance?” Chan asks excitedly when Soonyoung pauses thinking of what else to say.

“Um, mostly hip hop and modern dance,” Soonyoung answers. “I did some ballet too but mostly out of requirement. Jihoon was really good at ballet actually!”

“Really?” Chan asks warily staring at his brother disbelieving. “But he isn’t gentle at all.”

“Ballet is a tough genre,” Soonyoung explains enthusiastically. “It’s not gentle at all, but graceful. A lot of strength is required to master it.” It’s almost like he’s reciting some dance textbook and Chan nods, mentally taking notes.

They keep talking about dance things while everyone else eats quietly, not interfering. By the time their conversation is done, Chan has huge heart eyes for Soonyoung and Jihoon thinks he’s never seen his brother so amazed with someone.

“Can you teach me some dancing sometime?” Chan asks practically falling out of his chair with excitement.

“Sure,” Soonyoung grins, glancing at Jihoon quickly. “You’re in eighth grade, right? Are you planning on joining our school next year?”

“Yeah! I need to audition in January.”

“Dance?”

“Of course!”

“I’ll help you out,” Soonyoung promises. “Choreograph a dance audition and everything. Sound good?”

Chan stares at him, mouth agape. “Yes!” He screams, getting up, and their mom needs to shush him. He sits back down looking over at Jihoon. “I _love_ him,” he tells him and Jihoon blushes noticing that Soonyoung’s ears have reddened as well.

“So how did you and Jihoon meet exactly?” Jeonghan finally speaks, plate half-empty, and voice slightly accusatory.

Jihoon glares at his brother. So he’s quiet the entire dinner and when he decides to speak it’s a snip remark like that.

“Well we’ve known each other since first year,” Soonyoung answers swiftly. “We used to practice dance together until Jihoon decided to focus on producing.”

Jeonghan’s brow rises. “So how did you start dating?”

“We started talking again this year,” Soonyoung shrugs, chopsticks rummaging around his plate. He’s barely eaten because of all the talking. “I guess we just hit it off,” he smiles shyly at Jihoon and Jihoon has to suppress a groan cause it’s just so corny.

“Yep,” he says instead popping the p and takes a large bite of his food. “We had to a lot to catch up on.” Soonyoung nods eagerly and takes advantage of the pause to finally eat a little.

“What did you guys do on your first date?” Jeonghan asks and Soonyoung is mid-bite so it’s up to Jihoon to answer.

“Nothing special…” Jihoon wants to die. He doesn’t know what first dates are supposed to be like. “Just ate together on the bleachers…” _What the fuck Lee Jihoon!_

“Isn’t that what you were always doing anyway?” Jeonghan scoffs, smiling as if he’s caught him and even Seungcheol looks at his boyfriend a little warily.

“Yeah but Soonyoung bought lunch this time,” Jihoon smiles tightly. “It was very romantic.”

“No it wasn’t,” Soonyoung wines. “You didn’t even realize it was a date until I bought you lunch for the third time and tried to hold your hand!” Jihoon stares at him. How the hell does Soonyoung come up with these things? They’re cute, natural, and perfectly believable. It’s genius.

“Jihoon-ah…” His mom scolds. “Did you really think he’s just randomly buying you lunch?”

Jihoon blushes a little speechless. It wasn’t even a real story and he has to defend himself now?

“I thought he’s just being nice…” He says and kicks Soonyoung softly under the table and Soonyoung covers his gasp with a laugh.

“It was cute… He liked me a lot but still didn’t realize,” Soonyoung grins, reaching out to poke Jihoon on the cheek and Jihoon pulls away making Soonyoung pout and his mom laugh.

“You two are sweet,” she says with a kind smile. “Since you bought so many lunches for our Jihoonie, please come to dinner more often.”

Soonyoung’s eyes widen. “Definitely! Thank you so much,” his bows with his head and then eats a few more bites clearly elated by the conversation while everyone just stares because Soonyoung excited and enthusiastically eating is a very entertaining combination.

Thankfully the conversation turns to whatever theatre show Jeonghan is part of for their final year and the show Seungcheol is directing for the underclassmen. Jeonghan keeps staring between Jihoon and Soonyoung and doesn’t say anything, while Chan occasionally throws dancing questions to Soonyoung who is trying very hard to answer and simultaneously eat his food since everyone else has already finished. Once he’s done, he and Seungcheol help clear off the table and Chan gushes about Soonyoung while Jeonghan and Jihoon have a stare off across the table.

“I still can't believe it,” he mutters. “You two have never interacted in school until three weeks ago.”

“Because we didn’t want assholes like you doubting our relationship,” Jihoon bites back and Jeonghan rolls his eyes.

“I’m going to go,” Chan says quickly and grabs a few things off the table running out of the room.

They only have a few seconds before everyone comes back with dessert and some tea so Jeonghan leans forward and makes it quick. “If it’s so real why aren’t you talking to Seungcheol?” He asks almost whispering.

Jihoon’s mouth hangs open for half a second before he sputters, “Because it’s awkward!”

“He keeps sulking! Talk to him,” he says as a command and before Jihoon can reply everyone reappears with some fruit and a cake and the atmosphere once again starts balancing being awkward or bubbly but at least there’s desert on the table.

When that’s done, everyone helps clear the table once more and Soonyoung eagerly offers to help their mom with the dishes and Chan tags along because he wants to keep talking to him. That leaves Jeonghan, Seungcheol and Jihoon alone in the dining room and when Jeonghan gets a phone call, with a stern look at Jihoon he leaves the room too. (Jihoon suspects later that it wasn’t at all a real phone call).

The living room is silent for the first few seconds, Jihoon watching Seungcheol with wide awkward eyes and Seungcheol studies him back. “Now that I’ve met him will you stop avoiding me?” It’s the first thing Seungcheol says to him in almost a month.

Jihoon swallows “I’ve just been busy,” he shrugs, feigning nonchalance.

“Don’t pull that crap on me,” Seungcheol takes a step forward, voice growing quiet but more urgent. “You’re also my best friend, Jihoon. Even if we might not talk every day or we might not share our deepest darkest secrets, you are important to me.” Jihoon feels his expression turn into a frown, it might even be a grimace. He doesn’t know how to react.

“I thought you wouldn’t want to speak to me,” he practically whispers and Seungcheol’s shoulders drop.

“Why?”

“I don’t know? Because it's awkward, because you’re with Jeonghan.”

“So what?” Seungcheol chuckles incredulously. “Come on, wasn’t that crush from a while ago anyway?”

Jihoon debates whether or not to tell him but he’s already speaking before he can decide. “I wrote the song this summer.”

Cheol’s eyes widen slightly clearly out of words. When he finally speaks his voice is low, almost afraid. “How long have you liked me?”

Jihoon lets out a shaky laugh, looking away. “I think I always had a crush on you,” he admits. “Then it became too unbearable,” he says tilting his head and making a face trying to lighten up the conversation, “so I wrote a song.”

“When?” Cheol demands, clearly not finding any of this funny at all. “I need to know. When did you start liking me?”

Jihoon steps back, confused at Cheol’s urgency. “I don’t know? When you started dating Jeonghan I already liked you.”

Cheol expression falls, as if it’s the worst news he’s ever heard. “And you never said anything?”

“You and Jeonghan… You are perfect for each other. I’m glad I didn’t say anything.” It’s the truth. No matter how jealous Jihoon would get, both of them were happy with each other. It was worth it.

“Jihoon...” Seungcheol starts weakly. “Jeonghan asked me out, not the other way around. Did you know that?”

Jihoon frowns. “Of course.”

“That summer… Before Jeonghan asked me out, I wanted to ask you.”

Wait.

What?

Jihoon hears his heart in his ears. “Ask me what?”

“I was going to ask you out, but then Jeonghan did so I decided to accept since I wasn’t sure you felt the same–” He keeps talking but Jihoon’s brain can’t process it, Seungcheol’s words entering his ears muffled, as if through cotton balls. Unclear. Far away.

Seungcheol. _Jeonghan’s_ Seungcheol liked him?

“Does jeonghan know?” Jihoon whispers, cutting Seungcheol off.

“Yeah,” Seungcheol admits, as distraught as Jihoon.

“No wonder he blew up like that,” Jihoon chuckles again despite feeling the farthest from laughing. He connects quickly Jeonghan’s insecurity to the fact that Seungcheol’s first choice, from the start, was Jihoon. The radio. Their fight. His paranoia that Seungcheol will leave him for Jihoon.

“Why are you telling me this now?” Jihoon whispers. “What am I supposed to do with this information?”

“Nothing, I just-“

“You just _what_ ?” Jihoon feels the flame in his eyes when he stares up into Seungcheol’s eyes and sees him purse his lips guiltily. “If you heard that song you _know_ how much you meant to me, how can you just throw this at me?” He feels himself start to panic and Seungcheol’s eyes grow in alarm. From the corner of his eye, Jihoon notices Soonyoung poke out from the kitchen to see what’s happening but their eyes don’t meet. “I’m with Soonyoung now, what are you trying to prove?”

“Nothing!” Cheol’s hands go up to Jihoon’s shoulders and when Jihoon flinches they drop uselessly by his side. “I felt like I needed to tell you.”

“What would Jeonghan think about you telling me this?”

Cheol chews on his lip awkwardly instead of answering and Jihoon shakes his head.

“ _I rather wish that you were having a rougher time, I want you to think of me_ ,” he quotes Habit, chuckling bitterly, as Seungcheol’s face turns more pained with each lyric. “You shouldn’t have told me,” Jihoon practically chastises as he feels all the feelings he tried so hard to keep away rushing back in a terrifying speed.

“I felt like you needed to know–”

“Why?” Jihoon cuts him off harshly. “I liked you for three full years Seungcheol, hell I think I was probably in love with you and now you tell me all along you wanted to ask me out first? What am I supposed to do with this information?!”

“I already said.. nothing,” Cheol replies but its weak. Guilty.

“How does it make you feel knowing that if you had asked me out that summer you’d probably be with me now instead of Jeonghan? I’m the one you would’ve been cuddling on our couch every night. I’m the one you would’ve kissed when you’d think Jeonghan isn’t looking. It’s my hand you’d hold on the way to your car while Jeonghan would follow quietly behind. What do you think about that?”

Seungcheol doesn’t answer for a long time and only when Jihoon feels saltiness on his lips is when he realizes he’d started crying.

“I don’t know...” Cheol answers almost dazed and Jihoon takes a step back.

“Go back to Jeonghan, Seungcheol.”

Seungcheol watches him with big intense eyes and finally sighs, hand running through his hair, and leaves, clearly shaken by the entire conversation and Jihoon feels the same. Quickly, he wipes his cheeks with the palms of his hand and lets out a shaky breath to calm down.

He can hear his mom giggling in the kitchen at something Soonyoung said and Chan’s loud voice excited about whatever they’re talking about.

Soonyoung, he reminds himself shaking his head awake. He’s with Soonyoung. Sure, the relationship is fake but it’s a commitment and he can’t disregard that with all the feelings coming back and–

Seungcheol.

Seungcheol whose first choice was Jihoon.

Seungcheol who liked Jihoon the summer they met.

Seungcheol who wanted to ask Jihoon out.

Seungcheol who ended up dating Jeonghan.

Seungcheol who Jihoon spent three years keeping in the center of his heart.

Seungcheol his first love.

Seungcheol.

Seungcheol.

Seungcheo-

“Jihoon?” Soonyoung’s voice drags him out of his trance and Jihoon blinks up at him. “Are you okay?”

Jihoon watches him, speechless. This wonderful boy who without a proper reason is wasting his precious time to help Jihoon in this shitty situation and taking his time to make not only Jihoon, but his entire family comfortable with him.

“My mom really likes you,” Jihoon says, voice quiet and raw despite not crying anymore.

Soonyoung blushes, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Yeah... She’s really sweet,” then he adds with a wink, “I think she approves of me.”

Jihoon keeps staring at him, feeling his stare vacant and far away, and Soonyoung’s shy grin subsides. “Are you sure you’re okay? What did Seungcheol say to you?”

Jihoon looks down shaking his head. “It’s not important.” Soonyoung doesn’t look convinced but he doesn’t pressure him.

“Okay, well, I think I’m going to go”

“I’ll walk you out,” Jihoon says and Soonyoung nods softly, clearly concerned, but walks out to his car with Jihoon, anyway. There is complete silence and up until Soonyoung is about to get in his car and Jihoon grabs his forearm to halt him.

“Soonyoung, thank you for today. I mean it.”

Soonyoung blinks and his face softens into a smile. “Of course, I had a lot of fun... Being your fake boyfriend in general has been pretty fun so far,” he finishes growing shy again and Jihoon can’t stop marvelling at this vulnerable Soonyoung when he’s only ever known him as the bright and confident star of their high school.

“I think so too.”

They stare at each other, the night quiet and serene around them, the moon watching silently from above and Jihoon can see it happening– Soonyoung placing his hand on Jihoon’s cheek, glancing at his lips and leaning down for a perfect first kiss. Smooth and soft and sweet.

Soonyoung doesn’t though. Instead he asks about Seungcheol while Jihoon is shocked at himself for fantasizing about a kiss in the first place.

“Um,” he blinks trying to get the image out of his head. “We just had a talk.”

“You seem really shaken up,” Soonyoung lays a hand on his shoulder and Jihoon leans into it. “He wasn’t rude, right?”

“Of course not.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Jihoon feels his lip tremble before he bites on it. Nothing like Seungcheol to wake him up from his Soonyoung delirium. “The summer I started liking him and the summer he and Jeonghan start dating... Seungcheol liked me.”

Soonyoung frowns and Jihoon does too because he can’t believe he just gave the story away so easily. He severely underestimated how comfortable he’s gotten with Soonyoung.

“What did you say?”

“What was I supposed to say?”

Soonyoung mouth hangs open before he closes it and shrugs. “Nothing.”

It’s a direct echo of the earlier conversation and Jihoon laughs, almost delirious.

“Jihoon?” Soonyoung squeezes his shoulder to calm him down and Jihoon closes his eyes pouting dramatically.

“Jeonghan knew too can u imagine? No wonder he exploded on me on the school radio.”

“He was wrong.”

“Eh.” Jihoon shrugs. “I’d hate myself too. A constant reminder of who the love of your life actually wanted.” Soonyoung swallows, watching Jihoon with alarmed eyes. “I won’t do anything dumb”

“I wasn’t thinking anything,” Soonyoung says calmly but his eyes say otherwise.

“Sure you were. I’m not going to go after Seungcheol. You and Jeonghan don’t need to worry your pretty heads about that.”

Soonyoung seems to blush from the offhand comment and Jihoon, feeling brave, reaches up to feel the flush on Soonyoung’s cheeks.

“There’s a party,” Soonyoung chokes out when Jihoon’s fingers skim softly across his cheekbone. “Tomorrow.”

Jihoon’s hand drops. “And you are only mentioning it now?”

“I guess it slipped my mind? I wasn’t sure if you’d agree to go?”

“Valid excuses,” Jihoon smiles. “I’m feeling pretty crazy right now so I guess pick me up at...?”

“Eight?”

“Sure,” Jihoon is grinning and Soonyoung is smiling back flustered, which remains endlessly endearing. _Ahhh,_ Jihoon thinks, _maybe I really do want to kiss him_. Fake kiss him? He doesn’t really care. He feels almost giddy with the thought of it.

“I know I keep saying it, but really today meant a lot to me. Thank you,” Jihoon says, still thinking about a kiss, and Soonyoung nods with a small bow.

“Thank you, too. And to your mom as well.”

He straightens back up and looks away because Jihoon is smiling funny at him and it’s too fun to watch how much it messes with Soonyoung. Before Soonyoung can enter his car Jihoon takes another brave leap and wraps his arms around Soonyoung’s waist, pulling him close. It takes a moment but Soonyoung’s arms encircle him back and they stay like that for a minute before Jihoon pulls away.

“No touching, huh?” Soonyoung’s smile is soft enough to melt Jihoon right into a puddle.

“No worries, I’m pretty sure this exhausted my skin-ship quota for the month.” Soonyoung laughs at that, eyes crinkling, then he watches him for a second longer before wishing him goodnight and getting into the car.

Jihoon watches his car disappear down the street and rubs his arms, disregarding how chilly it is at night. After all, it’s already November.

He runs back inside and finds his mom waiting for him by the staircase.

“I like him,” she says, meaningfully and Jihoon can’t help but smile back.

“He really is pretty great.”

“It’s nice seeing you like this,” she says taking a step towards him. “You look... fresh.”

“Uh, thanks.”

“It suits you. Gives you a good glow.”

Fake glow, he thinks automatically but smiles politely anyway. “I got lucky.”

His mum gives him a quick goodnight kiss on the cheek. “I think he got pretty lucky, too.”

She heads upstairs and Jihoon doesn’t want to follow right after so he grabs a cup of water from the kitchen ignoring the way his mom’s words tugged strangely at his heart. On one hand he feels elated to hear those comments but on the other very important and crucial hand the comments are about his _fake_ relationship. How can he take them as compliments at all? Their source isn’t real.

It’s eleven thirty by the time Jihoon is back in his room, realizing only then that Soonyoung stayed a long time and it didn’t even feel like it.

He texts Soonyoung as soon as he finds his phone somewhere under his covers.

 

Jihoon [23:22]: moms in love with you

Soonyoung [23:22]: can u blame her?!?!xD

 

Jihoon smiles and puts his phone away when Chan comes in to gush about Soonyoung. He leaves in fifteen minutes and Jihoon texts Soonyoung again.

 

Jihoon [23:38]: okay im pretty sure chans in love with you too what is your secret 

Soonyoung [23:38]: no secret, im simply irresistible;)

 

Jihoon chews on his lips feeling strangely giddy texting him.

 

Jihoon [23:38]: did u drug my family

Soonyoung [23:39]: nope! Its my natural charm!!

Jihoon [23:39]: true tho jeonghan and seungcheol seem completely immune to it:p

Soonyoung [23:39]: hmmmm but not immune to you:PPP

 

Shivers run down Jihoon’s spine.

 

Jihoon [23:40]: nothing charming about me haha

Soonyoung [23:40]: jihoonie is most charming of all!

Soonyoung [23:40]: so cute and small!

Jihoon [23:40]: you ruined it

Soonyoung [23:41]: if it helps out of all the lees i like you the most ><

Jihoon [23:41]: you better or ud be a very bad fake boyfriend

Soonyoung [23:41]: i couldnt accept that

Jihoon [23:41]: me neither

Soonyoung [23:42]: so tomorrow at eight?

Jihoon [23:42]: ugh right

Soonyoung [23:42]: i know ur seungcheol adrenaline will wash off soon and u will regret your decision but i hope u know im not letting u backdown. ITS ///THEEEEE// HALLOWEEN PARTY

Jihoon [23:43]: halloween was on wednesday

Soonyoung [23:43]: the cool kids celebrate on the weekend

Jihoon [23:43]: well maybe im not a cool kid

Soonyoung [23:43]: WELL i am! so by being my fake boyfriend ure a cool kid too i dont make the rules

Jihoon [23:44]: a fake cool kid

Soonyoung [23:44]: good enough:D

Jihoon [23:44]: do we need costumes?

Soonyoung [23:44]: OH MY GOD

Soonyoung [23:44]: YOURE BRILLIANT. LETS MATCH PLEASE PLEASE

Jihoon [23:45]: maybe that will be less humiliating

Soonyoung [23:45]: AND MORE FUN!!!! HAVE SOME PROPER FUN LEE JIHOON!!

Jihoon [23:46]: ill text u in the morning so we can decide on smth?

Soonyoung [23:46]: we cld even meet up earlier?

Jihoon [23:46]: sure im free

Soonyoung [23:46]: aaaaaah super!! im so excited jihoooonieeeee

Jihoon [23:46]: goodnight thenn sleep well ill see u tomorrow

Soonyoung [23:47]: goodnight jihoonie dream pretty dreams of me and as always i adore uuu♡

 

Jihoon doesn’t reply to the last text, glad their “adore u” ritual has returned. Soonyoung says it’s just to tease him but Jihoon can sense Soonyoung is a sentimental boy and takes adore u much more heavily than that. When he goes to bed, he falls asleep easily despite the emotional rollercoaster that was his conversation with Seungcheol, the warmness of Soonyoung's last texts lulling him to sleep.

 

✉

 

In his dreams that night he is fourteen again and it's the summer before high school. He knows because he’s wearing his bright red sneakers he destroyed over those three months, the sun is high and hot, and his skateboard from middle school lays upside down in their yard. In front of him, is a faceless boy that Jihoon can’t recognize but strangely his heart can.

There is a tug in his chest, a familiar one that he’s gotten used to after three years and he thinks the boy might be Seungcheol. Before Jihoon can call out to him the boy, as if sensing that he’s been noticed, starts running away and Jihoon runs after him, calling for him, chasing him, strangely wanting him, but the faceless boy doesn’t stop. He keeps running and running and running and Jihoon runs after him until the faceless boy stops and turns around.

He still has no face but the tug in Jihoon’s heart remains.

He likes this boy, Jihoon thinks, he likes him so much, it has to be–

“Seungcheol?” He asks carefully and the boy takes a step towards him, hand reaching out. “Seungcheol?” Jihoon repeats, almost hoping it'll be him.

The faceless boy doesn’t respond, but Jihoon is almost sure it’s him. He feels it. There isn’t anybody else he ever felt about like this way before.

They walk towards each other, slowly, carefully, right there in the middle of the street he's lived on for four years, lined with white houses and the big hot summer sun shining above them.

The faceless boy reaches him first, touching his cheek with a soft caress of his hand. It makes Jihoon shudder. It makes him _want_. Seungcheol, _his_ Seungcheol is reaching out for him finally after all these years.

“Do you like me?” The faceless boy asks and he doesn’t sound like Seungcheol. “Do you like me more than Seungcheol?” He asks and Jihoon tries to search the boy’s face but it’s blurry and bright and Jihoon doesn’t understand how he can feel so strongly for someone he can't even recognize.

“I like Seungcheol,” he says automatically. “I’m supposed to right? There’s nobody else I could like.”

“That’s not true,” the boy chuckles and Jihoon can almost recognize him. “You’ve liked others before. You’ve liked me before.” And before Jihoon’s brain can finally come up with a name and a proper face the boy leans in to kiss him. Soft then less soft and more hard and urgent until Jihoon is held so tightly his back is arched backwards as the boy pushes forward. Jihoon thinks if this is what kisses are like, he likes them, especially when they taste so sweetly of strawberries and chocolate cake.

When the boy leans away, the first thing Jihoon recognizes are the eyes, sharp and attentive as usual. Then his nose, small even up close, and his hair, jet black and the awkward length it was back when they knew each other in first year.

“Soonyoung?”

“Is it bad? Is it so bad if it’s me?” Soonyoung asks, now clear as day and Jihoon, unable to say anything else, wakes up in shock.

 

✉

 

Miraculously, he's able to fall asleep again despite the almost traumatic dream. He wasn’t expecting that, even with a ten second fantasy of kissing Soonyoung he didn't think he'd have a whole dream about it. And he tasted so sweet... Like all the desserts his mom brought out for dinner the night before. He can still taste all the strawberries in his mouth in the morning, it’s unsettling. 

Around noon he finally reaches for his phone and a text from Soonyoung is already waiting for him.

 

Soonyoung [11:22]: let me know when ure up!!

Jihoon [12:01]: hey gm, yours or mine?

Soonyoung [12:03]: woaaaa YOURE ACTUALLY PROPOSING YOURS

Jihoon [12:04]: dont make me regret it

Soonyoung [12:04]: i was thinking here cause we cld use my sisters make up and things

Jihoon [12:04]: how intricate are we going w this costume?

Soonyoung [12:05]: have u met me?? We are going all out

Jihoon [12:05]: perhaps I wont go..

Soonyoung [12:05]: ill come at three we׳ll scout ur place for costume ideas n props and then go to mine. deal?

Jihoon [12:06]: help

Soonyoung[12:06]: u cant back out!! I have some good ideas:D ill see u at three bby

 

Jihoon feels like he was stabbed.

 

Jihoon [12:07]: dont call me baby

Soonyoung [12:07]: but ure so cute and small

Jihoon [12:07]: ENOUGH

Soonyoung [12:07]: <3

 

Jihoon plays Overwatch with his brother until Soonyoung comes over and ignores Chan’s constant whining about his low rank. At least Chan is already at level 45, that’s pretty damn high for someone who was at around eighty anyway, yet Jihoon still has a fake boyfriend and his life is an endless downwards spiral. The afternoon gets even better when Seungcheol comes in to living room, having slept over like he usually does on Fridays, and leaves as soon his he meets Jihoon's eyes.

 _I guess things are going to be worse now_ , Jihoon thinks. His dream from last night suddenly comes back to him and he loses touch with the game getting killed instantly.

“You know my rank won’t go up if you play like that,” Chan warns him and Jihoon passes him the remote wordlessly.

The dream. The boy Jihoon was chasing, the boy Jihoon kissed, despite the feelings he felt for him, instead of Seungcheol it was Soonyoung all along. That can’t be true, he thinks, panicking again. Dreams are always crazy… Right?

“Jihoon-ah!” He hears his mom from the doorway, distracting him from his thoughts. “Soonyoung is here!” Jihoon blinks, confused. He looks at the timestamp on the TV box where it shows 15:42 and suddenly he’s all too aware that he’s still in pajamas this late in the afternoon. At least he knows he's brushed his teeth.

“Coming!” He says quickly trying to fix his hair and looks over at Chan nervously. “How do I look?”

Chan checks him up and down with a smirk, simultaneously attacking the other team in his game. “Whipped as fuck.”

“Don’t curse,” Jihoon warns but it’s weak when he’s blushing and he hopes his face didn’t stay red as he heads to the hallway and finds Soonyoung talking politely with his mom. When Soonyoung spots him, he checks his outfit, one brow rising. “I lost track of time,” Jihoon excuses his appearance quickly and flushes again. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Soonyoung grins. “Are all your pajamas Avengers themed?”

“No!” Jihoon defends, his pants today are bright red with Iron Man’s face all over them.

“Yes,” his mom says but she’s smiling widely, clearly enjoying Soonyoung’s presence. “What are you boys up to today?”

“There’s a Halloween party tonight,” Soonyoung answers for them. “We wanted going to pick out some last minute costumes.”

Jihoon’s mom frowns. “Jihoon is going to a party?”

“Is that okay?” Soonyoung asks suddenly alarmed and Jihoon feels himself grow embarrassed again.

“Jihoon never goes to parties,” she says, clearly surprised.

“Oh, sorry,” Soonyoung winces sheepishly. “I should’ve asked for permission first–“

“No, no! It’s okay. As long as Jihoon wants to go, it’s okay with me.”

They both look over at him and Jihoon thinks, this is his chance, a perfect exit. But Soonyoung is looking at him with angled brows, chewing on his lip worriedly, and Jihoon doesn’t want to let him down.

“Yeah,” he says, eyes locked with Soonyoung’s, “I want to go.” The bright grin Soonyoung gives him is worth it.

  
✉

 

They dig around for some easy costumes and the benefit of having two brothers is that a lot of crap piles up. Since Soonyoung’s blue hair is light green now, the boys decide to dress up as Luffy and Zoro in honor of their first anime binge together. Jihoon’s house has plastic swords laying around for Soonyoung, and Jihoon’s mom allows them to borrow some summer straw hat she never wears. Jihoon has jean shorts and finds a red vest in Chan’s closet from when he performed at a band concert a few years back which completes his Luffy costume. For Soonyoung, all they needed at Jihoon’s was the green shawl for his waist that Jihoon’s mom also lets them borrow and after that they drive over to Soonyoung’s where as a dancer finding regular stretchy black pants and white shirt isn’t a problem and just like their costumes are done.

When they’re both dressed up and staring at themselves in the mirror, Jihoon sighs. “We are mega-weebs,” he meets Soonyoung’s eyes in the reflection. “Aren’t you embarrassed?”

Soonyoung grins and shakes his head. “One Piece is legendary! Why would I be embarrassed? It’s classic pop culture!”

Jihoon shrugs and before he can respond Soonyoung reaches for one of the eyeliners he brought from his sisters’ bathroom and takes Jihoon’s chin to turn his head to face him.

Jihoon, naturally, jerks away. “What are you doing?”

“Luffy has a scar,” he explains, hand frozen mid air. “I need to draw a scar on you,” then he pauses, checking Jihoon. “Do you want to do it yourself?”

Jihoon swallows. Soonyoung’s face is so close to him making it hard to forget the dream from last night. Tentatively he nods, ignoring the satisfied way Soonyoung’s lips tug upwards. He takes Jihoon’s chin again, fingers slipping slightly upwards to steady him, and carefully draws the scar right underneath his left eye. The scar takes about two minutes to complete, but Jihoon feels like Soonyoung drags the eyeliner across his cheek for two hours. His face is right in front of him, air from his nose landing in hot puffs onto Jihoon’s cheeks and he has to look down because looking away is too awkward and looking straight at Soonyoung is awkward too.

Instead, he looks at his lips, plump and only about three centimeters away from his own. Great. Soonyoung is biting on them too and wow, fuck, Jihoon never noticed just how big and soft they are… He’s felt them in his dream, he thinks, but it wasn’t enough. He wants to feel them in real life. He really really wants to kiss him.

“Done!” Soonyoung grins pulling away and Jihoon has to blink a few times to distract himself from the fact that a few seconds more and he might’ve really leaned forward to get a taste of his mouth. “Check it out,” he says turning Jihoon’s face towards the mirror with the tip of his fingers and Jihoon pretends to observe whatever the hell Soonyoung drew despite thinking of something else entirely.

“Uh, it’s great,” he says, a little choked up. “Thanks.”

“Want one on your chest?” He asks, brows wiggling and Jihoon steps unsurely away.

“What?”

“Well if you unbutton your vest we can give you a huge ‘X’ scar on your chest.”

Jihoon lays a hand protectively over his chest. His bare arms were enough nudity for tonight. “I think I’m fine.” Soonyoung pretends to pout and Jihoon shoves him a little. “Don’t be a pervert.”

“Pervert?” His eyes widen, offended.

“It was a joke,” Jihoon mutters, looking away.

“Not a funny one,” Soonyoung grimaces and turns towards the mirror, putting on eyeliner above his eyes.  

“What are you doing?” Jihoon asks curiously while Soonyoung leans away from the mirror checking the line on his lid.

“I wanna put some makeup,” he looks over to Jihoon and the new sharpness of his eye is incredibly attractive. “Want some as well?”

“I’m good,” Jihoon mutters looking away and goes to sit on Soonyoung’s bed listing aimlessly from his phone trying to take thoughts of Soonyoung’s lips and now his sharp, painted, tiger-like eyes out of his brain.

It’s the dream’s fault, he thinks. He wouldn’t have been so flustered today if not for that stupid dream. Except last night, before Soonyoung left, he wanted to kiss him then too, didn't he?

“How do I look?” Soonyoung grins at him and Jihoon never really thought much of makeup on guys, he’s only ever seen it done on idols or general stage performances but now, looking up at Soonyoung…

“Looks good,” he says clearing his throat and the knowing smirk on Soonyoung’s face has him staring pointedly down at his phone.

“Wonwoo is on his way, by the way, we’ll go to the party together.”

Jihoon licks his lips, nodding absent-mindedly. “Sounds good.”

He senses Soonyoung coming closer to him but doesn’t look up. Even when Soonyoung taps on his shoulder he doesn’t look up.

“What’s up with you?” He asks crossing his arms and when Jihoon doesn’t answer he takes his phone away from him.

“Hey!” Jihoon tries to get it back but Soonyoung lifts his arm up, phone in his hand.  “That’s just rude,” he frowns and Soonyoung frowns back.

“You’re acting weird,” he says. “What’s going on? Is this about your conversation with Seungcheol yesterday?”

“No!” Jihoon defends getting up to try and get his phone and sitting right back down when he underestimates how close Soonyoung is standing.

“Tell me.” Soonyoung demands and Jihoon runs his hand through his hair.

“I had a dream.”

“A dream? Like a wet dream?”

Jihoon flushes. “Jeez, no! Just,” he pauses wincing, “a dream.”

“Uh-huh… Okay… And what happened in this dream that’s got you acting so weird?”

“You were in it,” Jihoon says still not meeting his eyes.

“Interesting,” Jihoon can hear the grin on his face but refuses to look up. “And what did I do in this dream?”

Jihoon winces thinking if he should say anything when Wonwoo walks into the room and Soonyoung steps quickly away despite nothing happening.

Wonwoo pauses by the door, brow raised at Soonyoung’s sudden movement. “Hey,” he says a little unsurely. “Sorry, your mom let me in.”

“It’s okay,” Soonyoung grins. “Didn’t think you’d get here so soon.”

“It’s almost eight,” Wonwoo’s brow is still up but lowers when he meets Jihoon’s eyes. “Hi,” he nods at him and Jihoon nods back, still a little intimidated by Soonyoung’s best friend. It’s not exactly that they hate each other, but that Wonwoo clearly doesn’t trust him and it terrifies Jihoon to the point that whenever the two are around each other it’s just incredibly awkward. Soonyoung definitely knows, too, but he’s very good at being too comfortable in any situation and tries relentlessly to improve the hostility between them.

“What are you dressed as?” He asks sitting down next to Jihoon on the bed and beckoning Wonwoo towards them. “I'm guessing some book character.”

“I’m Sherlock Holmes,” Wonwoo says, leaning his cane on Soonyoung’s desk.

“I was correct, right?” Soonyoung whispers to Jihoon and Jihoon nods, blushing at how he can feel Soonyoung’s body heat through the entire left side of his body.

“Do you have a Watson?” Jihoon asks, trying his best to make it sound friendly but it comes out choppy and awkward.

“Yeah with some guy from the play I’m in this semester,” Wonwoo shrugs. “Our director wanted us to improve chemistry on stage by hanging out, I don't think he's showing up though,” he shrugs again, clearly not caring too much. “Are you two Luffy and Zoro?”

“Yeah!” Soonyoung grins and stands up pulling Jihoon up by his forearm. “How do we look?”

“Pretty good actually considering you only started planning three hours ago,” he snickers. “Finally you can make use of that ugly moss hair, too.”

“I’m dyeing it tomorrow, okay?!” They start bickering with each other and Jihoon quietly sits back down, not really knowing what to say. He wants to take his phone again, he was in the middle of scheduling a meeting with one of the students about their song, but it’s in Soonyoung’s opposite hand so he can’t reach it.

Soonyoung clearly senses how uncomfortable Jihoon is because he also sits back down and places a hand on the small of his back rubbing pleasantly and Jihoon feels himself flush from being taken care of so well.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you at a party, Jihoon,” Wonwoo says, taking out two green bottles from his bag when his argument with Soonyoung subsides. “Wanna pregame for some confidence?”

“Wonwoo’s dad is _really_ cool,” Soonyoung says with wide eyes. “He thinks if we drink what he provides for us we won’t go overboard so he always gives us some soju when there’s a party,” Soonyoung explains.

“I never drank before,” Jihoon mutters shyly.

“You don’t need to if you don't want to,” Wonwoo says. “I can give you a little bit just to try?”

“Okay,” Jihoon says glancing at Soonyoung briefly.

“You really don’t have to,” Soonyoung assures him and Jihoon shrugs.

“It’s okay, I’m a little curious.”

Soju tastes okay. Wonwoo brought a regular one and a grape one, too. The regular tastes disgusting but the grape one tastes so much like juice that it’s almost worrying. Before leaving for the party they go through both bottles and by the last sip Jihoon and Wonwoo are best friends and all three are positively buzzed.

“I think I underestimated the fact that you never drank before _and_ your small size,” Soonyoung giggles as they walk down the street to the party, Jihoon leaning heavily into him, unable to walk well enough by himself. The party is in a senior’s house and Jihoon doesn’t really know the technicalities of high school parties, but he’s pretty sure the music is too loud and there’s only a handful of people there who are legally allowed to drink.

He knows he's tipsy. His vision is a little funny and everything else is a little funny too. It’s a good thing he drank some, he thinks once they’re inside the party. Meeting all these people Soonyoung knows is much less awkward when he’s a little drunk.

They stay together the entire time, Jihoon barely speaks but Soonyoung literally won’t shut up. It’s easy for Soonyoung, though, he clearly enjoys it. Jihoon can’t stop staring at him until people start asking him questions too shocked that the famous Woozi is finally at a party.

“The number of people who’ve asked me to write them songs today,” Jihoon whines when the two enter the kitchen to get some water. Neither are tipsy anymore but are simply buzzed from the energy of the party. “This is why I don’t leave the house.”

Soonyoung giggles pouring them some glasses of water and passes one to Jihoon. “Are you enjoying yourself at least?”

Jihoon takes a sip, thinking about it. “It’s not the worst,” he admits. It’s kind of fun to watch his drunk classmates make fools of themselves. “It helps that you’re here,” he adds taking another sip and glancing at Soonyoung from the top of his glass to see him smile.

“It’s kinda fun to have you here, too,” he seems sincere and Jihoon looks away. “I don’t even feel the need to drink.”

“You usually a big drinker?” Jihoon asks trying not to show how his words affect him.

“Uhh,” Soonyoung grins sheepishly. “I can drink if I want to.”

Jihoon thinks of all those couples he say making out around the house. “The day we started… fake-dating, Jeonghan said he saw you making out with some random girl at a party the week before. Do you do that a lot too?”

“I haven’t hooked up with anyone this year!” He defends, eyes widening. “I’ve only hooked up maybe four times at parties and one of them was Momo!”

“Have you ever hooked up with any guys?” Jihoon asks, genuinely curious.

“No…”

“But you’re bi?”

“I don’t need to hook up with anyone to know that!”

“I know,” Jihoon says, putting his glass down, himself a kissing virgin. “I was just curious.” They stand awkwardly for a few moments before Jihoon clears his throat. “Should we go back out?”

The party hasn’t changed except that Soonyoung grabs a beer and hands one to Jihoon as well. There are still couples making out and many dancing and talking and some seniors seem to be smoking something not very legal and Jihoon starts feeling strangely like he’s walked out into an American movie.

“A lot of kids from the city get invited to these,” Soonyoung explains when Jihoon asks who all these people are. “It’s hard to have a high school party there and with enough rich kids here well… You get it.”

Jihoon doesn’t think he gets it entirely but he doesn’t question it further. They keep drinking the beer and join Wonwoo, Jun, and some of their other friends on the opposite side of the living room.

“You and Wonwoo seem okay?” Jun asks. Jihoon had complained about the awkward relationship to him at school one time.

“Soju brought us together,” Jihoon giggles, the beer flooding his head.

“Wonwoo’s dad got you guys soju and you didn’t invite me?!”

“We needed the bonding time! And it worked!" Then he pauses, raising a brow at him. "Aren't you the designated driver tonight, by the way?” Jun bites his lip and can’t say anything to that.

At one point Jihoon’s beer finishes and someone gives him another one that his small body can’t take very well because he starts leaning into people next to him again until Soonyoung wraps his arms around him from behind and Jihoon can comfortably lean on him and feel the rumble of Soonyoung’s laugh through his back. It doesn’t actually hit him how close they are standing until his slow drunken mind processes it and Jihoon’s heart starts speeding enough that he overheats and tries to twist away from Soonyoung's hold.

“You okay?” Soonyoung asks when he lets him go, his hand steadying Jihoon on his shoulder.

“Just hot,” he says, not meeting his eyes. “I wanna get some air.”

“Alright, let’s go,” Soonyoung says pushing off the wall to join him but Jihoon puts a hand on his chest, stopping him.

“By myself if it’s okay,” Jihoon says and is suddenly aware that all of Soonyoung’s friends are staring. “It’s a little overwhelming here, sorry.”

Soonyoung swallows, trying not to show any reaction but Jihoon can tell he’s a little hurt by the way his lower lip twist subtly. “Well I’m here if you need me, you got your phone?”

“Yeah, worst case I’ll text you,” he mutters and heads blurrily towards the other side of the living room where there’s an exit to the porch. Only when he’s outside running his hands through his sweaty hair does he realize he left the straw hat somewhere in the house.

“Damn it,” he mutters. His mom never really wears hats anyway, but he didn’t want to lose something of hers either.

“Looking for this?” He hears a girl’s voice behind him and turns around to his hat attached regrettably to Momo, Soonyoung’s ex-girlfriend.

Like the Seungcheol confrontation yesterday wasn’t enough and now this. Great. He takes the hat from her and nods muttering a thanks. “Where did you find it?”

“The kitchen,” she says with a shrug, and comes up to lean on the rail beside Jihoon. “So you and Soonyoung?” She asks. It’s been three weeks and she decides to ask about it _now_ when Jihoon is tipsy for the first time in his life and just wanted some peace and quiet on his own.

He looks over at her, a little unsure at where this conversation is about to go and nods tentatively. “Yep…”

“I honestly didn’t think this would last,” she smirks. “We dated for like what? Five months, and he never ever mentioned you.”

“Well we weren’t really close until the start of this year,” Jihoon tries to mask his annoyance but he’s afraid it still trickled through because Momo giggles.

“No need to get feisty,” she lays a hand on his arm and Jihoon notices, belatedly, that they’re the same height. _Damn it_. “Soonyoung’s a good guy.”

“So why did you two break up?” Jihoon asks before he even processes his own question. Why should it even matter?

Momo leans her elbow on the rail, staring out into the distance, and shrugs. “He just didn’t seem to prioritize me,” she says matter-of-factly. “Sure we had a lot of dancing duets and a lot of chemistry on stage but we just felt like… friends? There was no ‘spark’,” she looks down, blushing. “Anyway, it’s my fantasy high school romance brain talking, but I kind of thought it’d be more exciting you know? He just didn’t really seem into it.”

“Really? Soonyoung is always excited about something.”

“Yeah… But he was never excited about _me_.”

Jihoon sucks in his lips thinking about this own fake relationship with Soonyoung. It felt so real that sometimes it was weird to remember that none of it actually was. That’s why hearing that Soonyoung wasn’t excited about being in a relationship, when he’s been such an attentive and great boyfriend with him well… Jihoon guesses it’s easier to be excited when the relationship isn’t a serious and just some type of game.

“He’s a good kisser though, isn’t he?” Momo nudges him giggling and Jihoon chokes out a laugh, blushing furiously.

“Y-yeah…”

“A little over excited,” she says tilting his head. “But sometimes sloppy is nice,” she adds giggling again behind her hand. “But I’m sure you know what I mean.”

“Yes,” Jihoon creaks out hoping his burning ears aren’t giving away that almost every part of him other than his hand has been void of Kwon Soonyoung. Even dream Jihoon has been more lucky in that department.

Momo seems to have caught on because she looks at Jihoon funny but before she can say anything the porch door behind them squeaks and Soonyoung walks in looking concerned.

“Hey Momo,” he says warily and she smiles pleasantly at him.

“Hello Soonyoung! I was just leaving,” she pushes herself off the rail and waves goodbye at Jihoon. “You’re cool Jihoon, I hope we can talk again soon!” She gives the boys another cheery wave and enters the house leaving the boys on their own.

As soon as Jihoon frowns Soonyoung starts apologizing, muttering quickly. “I know you wanted me to leave you alone for the time being but then I saw her come outside and I just got _really_ nervous about what she’s telling you, so I panicked and I had to come out here... I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, Soonyoung,” Jihoon means it. He only needed some fresh hair to cool off after all the stuffiness inside, not because of Soonyoung specifically… Right?

Soonyoung comes closer, still talking. “Yeah, but we said no touching and I hugged you back there… We never agreed to go that far, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“We hugged yesterday,” JIhoon says, tilting his head. “It’s fine.”

“But-“

“Soonyoung it’s fine. It’s stuffy inside, I don’t like being around a lot people. I just wanted to get some air.”

“But you refused to let me come with…” He says pouting a little and Jihoon represses the thought that it’s adorable.

“I thought you wanted to be with your friends… You’re not my babysitter. I can be on my own.”

Soonyoung nods. “Okay.”

“Want to go back in?”

“Do you?”

Jihoon pauses. “Not really.”

“So we can stay out here,” Soonyoung smiles coming up to him, elbow on the rail, body facing him. “Can I stay out here with you?”

“Sure,” Jihoon looks away into the dark yard ignoring the way Soonyoung’s eyes seem to sparkle excitedly at him.

“What did Momo say?”

“She just wanted to meet me,” Jihoon says honestly, trying to decipher in the dark what kind of flora this backyard has. “I asked why you two broke up.”

“You could’ve asked me,” Soonyoung mutters and Jihoon shrugs. “What did she say?”

“She said you weren’t really interested in her,” he looks up at Soonyoung who doesn’t meet his eyes, staring out into the yard as well.

“I thought I was doing my best, to be honest,” Soonyoung admits, sounding slightly wistful. 

“Everyone has their own expectations.”

“I’m doing well with you, though?” Soonyoung’s eyes are on him now, wide and hopeful and Jihoon can’t help but smile at him.

“You’re great.”

“Ahh,” Soonyoung grins, grabbing the rail with both hands and pulling away until he’s basically suspended in the air. “That makes me happy! I know it’s not the most… Sincere relationship you’ll ever have, but I’m really trying!”

“I know,” Jihoon smiles shyly and Soonyoung pulls back up after a pause.

“By the way, about your dream…” His grin turns mischievous. “The one about me, wanna tell me about it?”

Jihoon looks away. “Not really,” he says with a shrug and Soonyoung pokes him.

“Come on! Please?” He says poking him again right on the ribs and Jihoon twists away with a laugh.

“Stop!”

“What?” Soonyoung pokes again. “Are you ticklish?” And again making Jihoon twist sideways so his back is against the rail and the next second Soonyoung is caging him grinning down with his thousand megawatt grin and Jihoon hangs his head down, defeated.

“Soonyoung, please, it’s embarrassing,” he whines incredibly aware just how close Soonyoung is to him. He can’t look up now. It’ll be torture.

“Come on, it’s just me,” he urges, voice soft. Jihoon notices the twitch in Soonyoung’s hands to reach out for him, but he doesn’t, just as usual being the perfect patient Soonyoung.

“Fine,” Jihoon sighs, crossing his arms, still not looking up at Soonyoung. “In my dream…” He takes a deep breath. “We kissed.”

There’s a pause and for a full minute nobody breaks the silence. Jihoon keeps waiting for Soonyoung to say something, anything, but he doesn’t. He looks up, frowning.

“Oh,” Soonyoung’s brows go up. “Sorry, was that it?” Jihoon shoves Soonyoung but his grip on the rail is strong so he doesn’t budge. “Sorry, sorry!” He’s laughing, eyes squeezed into crescents and head leaning slightly back. “I was expecting something more interesting like maybe… sexual.”

Jihoon grabs his head, groaning. “What’s your mind on?”

“I am a healthy seventeen-year-old boy!”

“Please just be quiet!”

Soonyoung giggles, hands on Jihoon’s shoulders now. “It’s normal to dream about kissing someone.”

 _But not your fake boyfriend_ , Jihoon thinks.

“Do you want another fake kiss to make you feel better?” Soonyoung says with a cute pout and Jihoon hates that he wants a real kiss instead.

He looks slowly up and meets Soonyoung’s eyes, softly watching him back.

“Would that a weird thing to ask?”

“Fake kisses are already quite weird,” then he leans a little forward and whispers, “our whole situation is a little weird, too, don’t you think?”

Jihoon can’t deny that so he simply stares up at Soonyoung. “Then do it,” he whispers back and Soonyoung’s eyes skip between Jihoon’s until he finally takes Jihoon’s face into his hands like he did two days ago, thumbs atop of his lips, and slowly leans forward and this time Jihoon closes his eyes too.

It’s sweet and sincere and Jihoon can feel Soonyoung’s puffs of air from his nose on his cheeks again, but it’s not enough. Outside of his own will his arms go up around Soonyoung’s neck and he goes up on his tippy toes pressing Soonyoung closer to him and when he thinks he hears Soonyoung groan into it as he opens his mouth slightly, saliva getting onto the pads of Soonyoung’s thumbs.

Soonyoung pulls away immediately and Jihoon drops onto his feet. “Sorry,” he mutters when he sees how wide Soonyoung’s eyes have gotten.

“It’s okay, I was just surprised,” he says and clears his throat. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

Jihoon’s fingers are clasped together behind Soonyoung’s neck. Fuck, he just wants an actual kiss! Why can’t Soonyoung understand that for himself? Only when Soonyoung wets his lips does Jihoon realize he was staring at his mouth the entire time. His eyes snap up and meet Soonyoung’s, watching him unsurely.

“What do you want Jihoon?” He asks, not in a rude way but simply curious.

“I can’t stop thinking about it all day,” Jihoon whispers. “About what a kiss would feel like... Can we just, I don't know? Try it out.”

“We have _rules_ ,” Soonyoung whispers. “You can’t just break rules!”

“It’s just one kiss! Please! I'm just curious,” he almost whines a little shocked at himself, thinking maybe that beer didn’t clear out of his system completely yet. Soonyoung winces and Jihoon realizes suddenly why Soonyoung doesn’t want to kiss him and pulls away, arms wrapping around himself. “You’re right, never mind.”

Soonyoung blinks, confused at the sudden change. “What just happened?”

“Dating a guy is one thing, right?” Jihoon chuckles awkwardly. “But kissing one…”

“What? No, no, no,” Soonyoung says quickly shaking his head. “I just don’t want to do something you’ll regret!”

“I’m not drunk!”

“That’s not what I'm talking about!” There’s some noise in the yard and a half naked couple runs off into the night probably thinking that the two were kicking him out. Soonyoung shakes his head, voice lowering, “You know what I mean.”

“I’m not as sentimental as you think, Soonyoung,” Jihoon groans. “I just want a damn kiss!” Soonyoung licks his lips again and Jihoon ignores how shiny they get.

“Fine,” Soonyoung mutters. “Just so you know, it’ll be my first time kissing a guy! I’m nervous, too.”

“Then let’s start slow… Let’s start with a fake kiss,” Jihoon suggests, trying to calm his own nerves. “We’re used to those, right?”

Soonyoung chuckles nervously. “Right.” He places his hands on Jihoon’s cheeks again, thumbs placed on the familiar spot over Jihoon’s mouth. “Alright,” he says, clearly nervous and Jihoon would’ve smiled if he weren’t so nervous himself.

Soonyoung leans down, same as last time, sighing lightly before he kisses his own thumbs. Jihoon’s hands go to Soonyoung's arms and he squeezes his arms as he goes up on his toes, waiting for the real thing. Soonyoung leans away for a second and Jihoon opens his eyes slightly, confused, but Soonyoung is already kissing him again, this time for real on the lips.

There are no fireworks or sparks in his heart but there’s electricity running through his veins from the excitement of it all. It’s exhilarating.

Neither of them move their mouths until Jihoon’s arms slide up to wind themselves around Soonyoung’s neck, pulling him down, opening his mouth slightly and Soonyoung does the same their kiss deepening and hot breaths mingling with each other.

Okay, Jihoon changes his mind, this is definitely amazing. It feels so good to be held this close especially when Soonyoung’s hands go down to his waist and hold him tightly there and vaguely Jihoon understands what Momo meant when they finally let their tongues meet because it’s a little wet and sloppy and tastes slightly like beer but it’s still so so so good.

After what seems like hours Soonyoung leans away, forehead leaning on Jihoon’s, and sighs with a light chuckle looking into Jihoon’s eyes. Jihoon looks back, a little overwhelmed, before he looks down, because after that entire kiss he doesn’t think he can look at Soonyoung for the next little while or he’ll really want to do it again.

Soonyoung leans away and before Jihoon can feel bad about it he feels a finger on his cheek, right below his left eye. “I noticed this before while drawing the scar,” Soonyoung whispers and Jihoon tries not to think too much about how swollen and red his lips are. “The mole right here,” he grins softly. “It’s really cute.”

Jihoon swallows and it tastes like Soonyoung. “Thanks,” he mutters, eyes locked with Soonyoung’s again, neither boy knowing quite what to do. Jihoon thinks he should pull away but before he can Soonyoung is leaning down to kiss him right on his freckle and Jihoon closes his eyes with a shuddering breath which has Soonyoung leaning away fast.

“Sorry,” he says, clearly embarrassed and before Jihoon can say anything there’s a knock on the porch door and Jihoon’s arms quickly untangle themselves from Soonyoung as if he’s on fire.

When the door slides open it’s Wonwoo. “Sorry if I’m interrupting again,” he says with a small knowing smile. “But Jun’s offering to give us a ride home… So…”

“We’ll be right there,” Soonyoung says, although he’s still staring down at Jihoon and Jihoon gives him a thumbs from behind Soonyoung’s back.

When Wonwoo leaves Soonyoung steps away from Jihoon and the chilly night breeze hits him now that Soonyoung’s body heat doesn’t protect him anymore.

“Should we go?” Jihoon asks although he can see Soonyoung wants to say something.

“Uh,” Soonyoung blinks, slightly confused. “Yeah, I guess.”

They head out, Jihoon remembering to grab the straw hat from the porch floor this time, and get a ride home with Jun who seems too hyper to be sober but he swears on his life that he didn’t touch any alcohol. They drop Wonwoo off first and then Jihoon. The entire time Soonyoung and Jihoon sit a whole seat in between them and don’t even look at each other. Wonwoo is a little too drunk to notice but Jun definitely does.

“You two want to talk?” He asks when they stop at Jihoon’s house. “I can wait here for a bit,” he adds with a thumbs up and the two look at each other, awkwardly.

“It’s fine,” Jihoon says first, Jun raising a brow at him through the rearview mirror. “Goodnight, thanks Jun.”

He gets out of the car and quickly walks to his house ignoring that Soonyoung also definitely came out behind him.

“Jihoon!” Soonyoung calls out quickly and Jihoon has to stop because Soonyoung’s voice is loud and he doesn’t want to wake up his entire family at two in the morning. “Jihoon, can we not separate like this,” he says when he catches up and Jihoon can’t reply, his lips still feel numb from before and looking at Soonyoung isn’t helping. “I shouldn’t have kissed you again, I’m sorry,” he says clearly feeling bad and Jihoon can’t stand it.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, I asked for it,” he says. “And it was perfect,” he adds because he feels like being honest and seeing Soonyoung panicky and nervous because of a misunderstanding feels wrong. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Soonyoung’s face relaxes into a smile. “It was pretty good, wasn’t it?”

“You tasted like beer, though.”

“That was you!” He exclaims and then sighs. “I don’t want things to be awkward because of this.”

“I'm just overwhelmed,” Jihoon admits. “We’re fine. I think I got it out of my system.”

“Okay,” Soonyoung smiles. “So what about random kisses from now on?” He asks hopefully.

“Goodnight Soonyoung,” Jihoon smiles back. Then, still brave from the adrenaline rush from the whole night he takes a step forward, tiptoeing up to give Soonyoung a kiss on his cheek. “Thank you for today,” he whispers and smirks at how Soonyoung blinks dumbly when he leans away and can't say anything before Jihoon disappears inside the house.

Before he goes to sleep he checks his phone expecting a text from Soonyoung and smiles when he sees one.

 

Soonyoung [02:07]: WAS THAT A YES OR A NO?!?!

Jihoon [02:09]: goodnight soonyoung :*

Soonyoung [02:11]: was that

Soonyoung [02:11]: a kissing emoji

Soonyoung [02:11]: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME

 

The tingle Jihoon feels on his lips when he’s in bed is pleasant and sweet and Jihoon thinks, mind drifting off to sleep, he wouldn’t mind feeling it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as usual thank you for reading u can always hmu on [twit](https://twitter.com/iluhosh) or [cc](https://curiouscat.me/iluhosh)!! xx


	5. Chapter 5

Jihoon spends Sunday catching up on homework and ignoring that the only thing he can think about is the way Soonyoung sighed into his mouth when they kissed last night.  

He still can’t believe it happened. He can’t believe he asked for it, too. Embarrassing. Lee Jihoon never thought he’s a person who begs especially not for a kiss from a _fake_ boyfriend. Throughout the day he considers writing to Soonyoung but the night before rears its ugly head and Jihoon changes his mind, not wanting to sound needy. Yesterday was enough of that.

For dinner, Jihoon is making himself some ramyeon when he hears Jeonghan behind him. “I heard you went to the party last night.”

“Um,” Jihoon watches the boiling water pointedly so maybe Jeonghan will get the hint and leave him alone. “Yeah.”

“You don’t go to parties,” Jeonghan says matter-of-factly and Jihoon tries not to roll his eyes.

“I was convinced to go.” 

“Interesting.” Jihoon grits his teeth and doesn’t say anything else. There’s still the whole conversation he had with Seungcheol on Friday night in the back of his mind and he doesn’t know if Jeonghan is aware about the things they discussed. Maybe if he knew then he’d leave him alone. “How long are you going to keep ignoring me?”

Jihoon swallows, mixing his food in the pot. “I’m not ignoring you, hyung. I have nothing to say.”

“Seungcheol told me about the conversation you two had,” Jeonghan says, leaning on the counter next to Jihoon and Jihoon tries his hardest not to look at his brother. “It was unfair of me to keep that information from you, I’m sorry.” 

Jihoon can’t help but look at his brother at that. “What?”

“I knew Seungcheol liked you before we started dating,” he says casually, like it’s a normal thing to talk about and Jihoon tries to not show how angry he is. 

“And what do you want me to say about that?” Jeonghan opens his mouth and before he speaks Jihoon cuts him off. “And please don’t say ‘nothing’,” he adds and Jeonghan smiles slightly.

“I watched two of you like each other all of summer and neither would do anything so I stepped in,” he explains and the easiness with which he explains it hurts immensely. 

“I told him I wrote _Habit_ this summer,” Jihoon says in a quiet voice, trying to find something to hurt Jeonghan back with and Jeonghan smile softens.

“I know, he told me,” he says. “I’ll ignore the fact that you lied about that to me.”

“You tell each other everything, huh?” Jihoon’s smile is tight and forced.

“We try to.” The swiftness with which Jeonghan pretends everything is fine is both impressive and infuriating. If they’re so close did Jeonghan need to go off on Jihoon like that when his songs came out? Does he have to doubt every interaction he has with Soonyoung? How can he continue to pretend that everything is fine, like he didn’t turn Jihoon’s life upside down?

“Are you ever going to apologize?” Jihoon practically whispers to keep himself together.

“I have, haven’t I?” He says tilting his head. Jihoon knows he’s trying to be funny and tease him a little but it’s not the time.

“I don’t think you realize how much you hurt me,” Jihoon looks right at him.

Jeonghan sighs. “I do and I’m sorry. I really am. Nobody is happy with how I reacted, even Seungcheol and I are trying to work things out right now…”

Jihoon turns back to his food and turns off the stove sensing that it’s cooked now. “You keep acting so put together, hyung,” Jihoon says quietly, carefully, yet somehow confidently too. “But if you and Seungcheol break up it’s all because of you.”

Jeonghan doesn’t answer for a long time, watching as Jihoon drains the noodles and puts in a bowl with some sauces he took out from the fridge earlier.

“Seungcheol and I won’t break up,” Jeonghan says finally, while Jihoon mixes his ramyeon before he eats it, and Jihoon shrugs.

“That’s your business,” he says simply, looking up at his brother again noticing that Jeonghan’s eyes are definitely clouded with subtle worry. “You really suck at apologizing, you know that right, hyung? You have a lot of confidence and you might know me as well as you think but you still don’t know how to take full responsibility.” 

“Wise words from my dongsaeng,” Jeonghan chuckles bitterly. “I’m impressed.” Jihoon rolls his eyes and sits on the barstool at the island counter in the middle of the kitchen and starts eating. “Do you think Seungcheol will break up with me?” Jeonghan asks when Jihoon is already halfway finished with his food.

“No,” Jihoon says honestly. “I think you two are meant to be. But I think you need to get your priorities straight. Worry about your own relationship with your boyfriend and not how your little brother might feel for him. There's a reason Seungcheol has stayed with you for three years.”

“How come you’re so wise lately?” Jeonghan laughs incredulously. “Has Soonyoung really been that good of an influence on you so quickly?”

“No, I just grew up with you,” Jihoon says as he chews, watching Jeonghan’s eyes soften again and Jihoon realizes how much he has missed his hyung’s warm gaze this past month. 

“I really am sorry, Jihoon,” Jeonghan says finally and Jihoon nods, knowing he means it.

  

✉

 

When Jihoon wakes up for school the next morning he lays in bed for ages staring at the ceiling. He won’t lie, he’s nervous. Nervous about seeing Soonyoung after their little fun at the party. Nervous about how he can't stop thinking about it. 

Last night, since Jihoon and Jeonghan are somewhat on speaking terms again, he spent the evening watching TV in the living room with both his brothers while Chan glanced nervously at them, unsure if they actually made up or it’s some fake lightened atmosphere. It was a good distraction from the more pressing matters - the new fragility of Seungcheol and Jeonghan’s relationship as well as constant images of Soonyoung’s lips flooding Jihoon’s mind. It was going well until Soonyoung texted him goodnight as usual and Jihoon spent three hours rolling in bed trying to fall asleep without thinking of, as Soonyoung called it, healthy seventeen-year-old imagery. 

Jihoon only gets up when his phone starts vibrating and he notices it’s Soonyoung calling so he picks it up.

“Hello?” He says, voice raspy.

“Jihoon? Did I wake you up? I’m outside.”

“Shit,” Jihoon groans getting up in bed immediately. “What time is it?”

“Seven fifty,” Soonyoung says chuckling lightly. Jihoon lets out a string of curses which makes Soonyoung laugh a little louder. “All good, just get ready I’m outside.”

“Just give me five minutes,” Jihoon mutters already running to the closet to pick out a last minute outfit. “Want to come in for coffee?”

“All good,” Soonyoung says softly. “Just come soon.” And Jihoon can only comply when Soonyoung asks so cutely.

With all the stress of getting ready in under seven minutes, by the time Jihoon gets into the car any awkwardness he was afraid of is replaced with Soonyoung snickering at Jihoon’s messy hair and the fact that his shirt was thrown on backwards and only when Jihoon plops himself next to Jun in class, apologizing to the teacher for being late, do the kissing thoughts come back to haunt him.

He manages to avoid Soonyoung the rest of the day, feeling a little guilty considering he had told him everything is fine, instead he helps Hansol with his song at the studio and makes sure Soonyoung can’t find him in the hallways as he rushes to every class before he’s discovered. When Soonyoung texts him about his rehearsals after school, Jihoon doesn’t stay but catches an early ride home with Jun instead.

 

Soonyoung [17:54]: is everything okay?

 

He reads the text before he falls asleep and forgets to reply.

 

 

✉

 

Jihoon wakes up to his alarm which is thankfully the one thing he didn’t forget about last night. He rolls over weakly in bed and stares at his ringing phone slowly realizing he slept a good ten hours for the first time in ages and that the last thing he saw before passing out was Soonyoung’s text. 

He quickly takes out his phone to reply.

 

Jihoon [07:16]: sorry i saw this before bed and crashed dw we’re fine why wouldn't we be

Soonyoung [07:19]: good question

 

Jihoon ignores that and gets up to get ready so by seven forty he’s sitting on the porch stairs waiting for Soonyoung. This morning Soonyoung is the one who is a little late and when Jihoon comes in with an awkward smile, Soonyoung watches him with narrowed eyes.

“You said things won’t be weird,” he says and Jihoon can’t help but chuckle. Straight to the point, as always.

“They aren’t.”

Soonyoung looks to the road and drives them to school.

“I like your hair, by the way,” Jihoon comments. Soonyoung dyed it brown over the weekend and Jihoon can’t help but think how much he likes dark hair on him. “It suits you.” 

“Thanks,” Soonyoung mutters and doesn’t say anything else.

Soonyoung walks him to class as always but he’s less cheery than usual, no bright smiles at his friends in the hallways but attentive eyes on Jihoon instead as if trying to sense any strange incoming move. When some students rush past them Soonyoung lays a supportive hand on Jihoon’s lower back while Jihoon’s mind immediately flashes to Soonyoung’s tight hands on his waist at the party and he thinks, a little disappointingly, that maybe some things did change after all.

“So,” Jun says when Jihoon sits down next to him. “Wonwoo told me things got heated at the party.”

Jihoon tries to will his ears not to turn their famous bright red and pointedly ignores him for the rest of class.

“You joining us for lunch today?” Jun asks once they’re walking to their next lesson, stopping Jihoon from rushing away so Soonyoung won’t find him. “Soonyoung looked pretty sulky yesterday.”

“I had to help Hansol with his song,” Jihoon isn’t lying, but it isn’t the full truth either and Jun knows it.  

“Do you need to help him today?” Jun asks following him out of the classroom.

“I have to help a lot of students,” Jihoon defends. It isn’t a lie either. He has about fifteen projects requests sitting in his inbox waiting for his comments.

“Okay,” Jihoon raises his hands, giving up. “But I brought my mom’s egg tarts for everyone, so maybe you should reconsider coming,” he says smirking and waves Jihoon goodbye.

 _Damn it_ _that's just unfair_ , Jihoon thinks. Jihoon really fucking loves egg tarts.

Wonwoo is in his math class and waves him over to sit next to him. They really are friends now, Jihoon marvels. Wonwoo even smiled a little. 

“How was the rest of your weekend?” He asks and Jihoon thinks it’ll take time to get used to this… Softer side of Wonwoo. His eyes watch him like he really cares but there’s something mischievous behind them, too, and he remembers what Jun said earlier.

“What did you tell Jun?” He asks instead of replying and Wonwoo’s teeth peek out in a slightly larger smile.

“I didn’t mean to,” he means it like an apology but it doesn’t seem like it when his smile is so cheeky. “At the party when Jun asked where you two were and I told him I saw you making out on the porch,” he pauses watching Jihoon’s pale cheeks turn red. “I've always assumed Soonyoung isn't the best kisser, is that why you’re avoiding him now?” He continues and Jihoon flushes even darker.

“He was good,” he mutters eyes looking around making sure nobody is listening. “I’m just… Awkward. And nervous. What if I was bad?” His eyes widen pointedly and Wonwoo lets out one loud laugh and Jihoon is a little jealous that even as a third year in high school his voice is already so deep.

“You don’t need to worry, he enjoyed it very much,” Wonwoo smirks. “So stop ignoring him, okay?”

“I wasn’t ignoring…” Jihoon looks away, hoping his face isn’t too noticeably red which is very unlikely when his skin is so damn pale.

After class Wonwoo doesn’t let Jihoon escape to the studio so they walk together to the cafeteria instead and Jihoon tries to ignore the way Soonyoung’s eyes widen excitedly when he sees him, quickly shuffling down the bench so Jihoon can sit next to him and Jihoon does, because if he doesn’t it’ll look weird and a little bit because he actually wants to.

“Hey,” Soonyoung says in a low voice, just to him and Jihoon smiles shyly back.

“Hi.”

“No work today?”

“A lot of work actually,” Jihoon chuckles softly while Jun distracts everyone else by opening his box of his homemade egg tarts.

“You don’t have to be here if you want to do that instead,” Jihoon knows Soonyoung means that and it makes him smile again.

“It’s okay, I want to be here.”

Soonyoung nods, getting distracted by the conversation between Mingyu and Seokmin across the table and Jihoon can’t help but notice pink ears poking out from Soonyoung’s newly dyed hair.

 

✉

 

Things fall back to normal after that. Somewhat.

There is still that underlying tension that wasn’t there before the real kiss, but it’s a little easy to ignore it when Jihoon uses half his brain power to actively remind him that this is a _fake_ relationship and kissing was just a _one_ -time thing.

“We didn’t watch anything last weekend,” Soonyoung reminds him when they’re driving home on Thursday. “Are you too busy? Or should we marathon something Saturday?”

“I think dressing up as Luffy and Zoro qualifies for an anime night,” Jihoon points out and Soonyoung laughs, agreeing. “I can find some time,” Jihoon admits. “What did you want to watch?”

“I don’t know yet, we’ll figure something out,” he assures him and Jihoon can see Soonyoung trying to keep his smile down.

His mom invites Soonyoung for dinner again and Soonyoung very eagerly agrees to come. It’s a bit more different that night. Soonyoung is still polite and friendly and compliments his mom’s cooking, while Chan gushes to him endlessly about his song choice for the audition. But Jeonghan actually participates in the conversation this time, way friendlier than he was last week and Soonyoung keeps glancing at Jihoon, a little confused at the sudden shift in his brother’s attitude making Jihoon realize he never told Soonyoung about their conversation. Seungcheol isn’t at dinner because he has a soccer game and Jihoon wonders if maybe the atmosphere is lighter because of that, too.

After dinner, Soonyoung and Jihoon are on dish washing duty. Soonyoung scrubs the dishes while Jihoon rinses them, it works quickly and Jihoon actually enjoys dishwashing for once especially when their shoulders press warmly together.

“You and Jeonghan made up?” He asks when Chan leaves the kitchen after finishing reciting in detail his choreography idea. Soonyoung is patient throughout the entire explanation and Jihoon thinks maybe he’s found another thing Soonyoung is incredibly skilled at.

“You could say that,” Jihoon shrugs. It’s a little hard to forgive Jeonghan that easily but he can tell his brother is trying, so he’s going to try too.

“That’s good, I’m happy for you,” Soonyoung smiles at him and Jihoon turns away, ignoring how close their faces are.

“Thank you,” he mutters, focusing only on the rinsing and not the soft pink of Soonyoung’s lips or the fact that the whole reason they’re fake dating in the first place is because of Jeonghan’s outburst and maybe now that Jihoon and Jeonghan are on good terms again they don’t need to be fake boyfriends anymore. The realization hits him so suddenly he almost drops the plate into the sink.

“Have you thought of what we’ll watch tomorrow?” Soonyoung asks handing Jihoon another plate.

“ _Boruto_?” Jihoon suggests weakly, mind still somewhere else.

“Sounds good.” Jihoon knows Soonyoung is smiling but he can’t make himself look at him.

After the dishes are done they hang out in the living room with Jeonghan and Jihoon watches in complete awe as his brother and fake boyfriend bond over embarrassing stories of Seokmin.

When Jeonghan sends Soonyoung to bring them some grapes from the kitchen he smirks at Jihoon. “I’ve always heard rumors about Soonyoung but he really is pretty damn cute.”

Jihoon feels shivers run down his spine and he narrows his eyes. “You planning on stealing him from me too?”

“Nah,” Jeonghan grins cheekily. “He’s all yours. You two are perfect for each other.”

“We’re nothing alike.”

Jeonghan’s expression turns sweeter as he tilts his head. “That’s why.”

When Soonyoung comes back with the snacks he’s eager to continue the conversation with Jeonghan while Jihoon switches TV channels absentmindedly.

“Alright kids,” Jeonghan says when his phone vibrates in his hand. He’s been glancing at it all evening and it’s not hard to figure out who he’s waiting to hear from. “Seungcheol’s back so I’m going to head over to his. You two stay safe,” he teases and Jihoon shoots him a glare. “It was nice talking to you, Soonyoung, you’re a good kid.”

Once he leaves Soonyoung turns around to stare at Jihoon with wide eyes.

“I was just Jeonghaned.”

Jihoon can’t help but laugh. “You were what?”

“Jeonghan… is a legend. The school’s angel. He can charm anyone,” he explains enthusiastically and Jihoon can’t help but cringe. “I thought I’d be safe with the whole radio thing but… I wasn’t. I’ve been Jeonghaned,” he repeats crashing back onto the couch pillows and staring disappointingly at the ceiling.

“Poor you,” Jihoon mutters, trying not to sound bitter especially since the whole situation is a little ridiculous and he can’t help but think if Seungcheol was Jeonghaned all those years ago too.

Soonyoung must sense his thoughts because he looks over at him reaching out to put his hand supportively on Jihoon's shoulder. “You’re still my number one Lee, I promise. I was Jihooned harder.”

The noise Jihoon lets out is something between a cough and a laugh and a sob. “Don’t tell Chan that, he might cry,” he says and hopes his voice can be heard over the hammering of his heart and Soonyoung smiles back.

“it’ll be our secret,” he says.

“We have a lot of secrets lately.”

“They say couples with secrets last longest.”

“I think they mean secrets from each other,” Jihoon says pointedly and Soonyoung frowns, thinking over it. Jihoon takes the time to look discretely at Soonyoung’s lips watching them purse as his mind works over whatever they are talking about. Jihoon can’t remember anymore. When Soonyoung clears his throat Jihoon looks back up to his eyes.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung says warningly and Jihoon shrugs, trying for an innocent smile. Soonyoung doesn’t buy it because he pushes off the couch and gets up tilting his head towards the hallway. “I should go.”

“Okay,” Jihoon nods. “I’ll walk you out.”

It’s awkward again and Jihoon feels a little bad about it but he couldn’t really help himself either.

“I was going to offer to watch something at my place but I don’t think I like all the competition I have here,” Jihoon says before they say their goodbyes.

Soonyoung chuckles at that. “Mine’s good,” he nods. “I’m glad you at least considered your place though.”

“Little steps.”

“As long as you need,” Soonyoung smiles and gets into his car waving before he drives away.

Alone, Jihoon sighs into the night air. He’s going to seriously freak Soonyoung out at this rate, he thinks, but he can’t help but hope he can get another kiss out of him too.

 

✉

 

Jihoon’s mom drops him off at Soonyoung’s at around six the next day. It’s a little embarrassing to have his mom drive him to his boyfriend’s, but she seems happy to do it. Probably since she never got to drive Jeonghan to Seungcheol’s with them being next door neighbors and all. _Ugh, s_ ometimes the American romcom that is Jeonghan and Seungcheol's relationship makes Jihoon sick. 

When she parks the car she unbuckles her seatbelt and Jihoon pauses, looking over at her. “I can walk up to the house myself. Thanks for the ride, though.”

She lets out a fake laugh and pokes Jihoon’s cheek. “Aren’t you funny? I spoke to Soonyoung’s mom earlier, she invited me in for some tea.”

“Is this a playdate? We don’t need babysitters,” he grumbles out and his mom smiles like it’s the cutest thing ever.

“When my seventeen-year-old son is sleeping over at his boyfriend’s, I think the parents should be on the same page over what’s happening.”

“Nothing is happening,” Jihoon defends, blushing. He means that _literally_ , too. “Plus I’m still sixteen.”

“For two more weeks.” Jihoon shrugs. “Jeonghan and Seungcheol lost their virginities on Jeonghan’s seventeenth birthday, I just want you to be safe.”

“Oh my god, mom!” Jihoon slams his ears shut. “Soonyoung and I haven’t been dating for two years like they were. Also I _really_ don’t want to know about Jeonghan's sex life, thanks.” 

“You shouldn’t be so against it,” his mom frowns. “I bet he can give you advice and–“

Jihoon leaps out of the car before he can hear anything else and rushes quickly over to Soonyoung’s house, knocking on the door a little too enthusiastically. Luckily Soonyoung is the one who lets him in and Jihoon grabs his arm, toeing off his shoes quickly, and pulls them up to Soonyoung’s room before his mom can catch up behind them with more unneeded suggestions.

“Is everything ok?” Soonyoung asks once they’re inside his room and Jihoon has his back against the door as if to prevent his mom from coming in.

“My mom was trying to discuss our sleepover logistics.”

“What?”

“Two seventeen-year-old boyfriends sleeping over doesn’t sound so innocent, right?”

Soonyoung blushes, understanding. “Momo and I weren’t even allowed to be in the same room together.” Jihoon tries not to think about Soonyoung and Momo doing anything but innocent things.

“I think with two boys there’s an illusion that it won’t go that far.”

“In our case it definitely won’t.”

“Right,” Jihoon nods, both blushing at the undertone of the conversation.

“Then she started telling me about Jeonghan and Seungcheol’s sex life and I couldn’t stand it anymore.”

“So you just ran off?”

“She’s having tea with your mom downstairs,” Jihoon says and Soonyoung smiles.

“Aw, cute!”

Jihoon takes a stop forward, talking in a hushed voice. “We’re being spied on!”

“Oh no!” Soonyoung's eyes widen dramatically. “I guess we really can’t have sex now!” Jihoon punches him lightly on the shoulder but laughs along, feeling a little lighter.

“Did you download _Boruto_?” Jihoon asks, changing the topic.

“No, but I have Mingyu’s Crunchyroll password,” Soonyoung snickers and goes over to his computer to load up an episode. “It’s fine like this right?” He asks, looking over his shoulder at Jihoon who is still awkwardly standing near his bed. “You can sit down.”

They never watch movies up here, it’s always in the living room and with both of them on Soonyoung’s bed… Suddenly the proposition starts to shape itself in Jihoon’s mind.

Soonyoung turns back to the screen loading up the first episode and Jihoon sits carefully on the bed as if testing waters before he dives too deep. By the time he gains the courage to lean back on one of his pillows Soonyoung is done loading up the video and climbs on the bed from the other side.

“You can put your feet on the bed, I’m not picky,” Soonyoung says casually using a little remote to press play and his computer complies. As the first scene rolls Jihoon drags his legs onto the bed and settles comfortably, their shoulders leaning against each other again since Soonyoung’s bed isn’t very large. They watch three episodes in a row like that, laughing along at some scenes and Soonyoung cringing over Naruto’s haircut. 

“I need to use the bathroom,” Soonyoung says finally, before the fourth episode starts. “Wanna make popcorn.”

They go downstairs and while Jihoon waits for the corn to pop, Soonyoung uses the toilet down the hall. Since Jihoon is alone in the kitchen so he can safely assume his mom has left by now and feels a little guilty running away from her like that but she really _really_ didn’t have to get into that topic of conversation.

When they’re back watching _Boruto_ , Jihoon leans back against the pillows like he did earlier, while Soonyoung is sitting with his legs crossed a little closer to the screen and Jihoon can’t help but miss the press of Soonyoung’s arm against his own. 

The realization worries him. A lot of realizations lately worry him lately. He wants to think it's the excitement of having this type of connection when he’s never been the kind of person to have really close friends, but part of him can’t help but wonder if the feelings he had in first year are coming back to haunt him – a fire being rekindled by the recent sparks, the final burst brought on by the kiss last week. 

Soonyoung turns around to laugh about something some character did, Jihoon really isn’t sure what’s happening in the show anymore, and he smiles politely back so Soonyoung won’t suspect anything. It’s scary to think about those feelings coming back. He tries to recall what he used to feel for him… First year – fourteen-year-old Jihoon and his dancing partner Soonyoung –  they matched in skill and passion and despite having different personalities and friend groups they worked incredibly well together. It was everything Jihoon wanted when he thought of becoming a dancer: a compatible partner.

Except his interests changed. He loved dance but he loved composing more. It’s funny to think, though, that even two years since, the two have once again converged as partners even if in different ways. Jihoon thinks the desire he has today compared to back then is more… Physical. Maybe Soonyoung was right, they’re just healthy seventeen-year-old boys. The adoration he felt for Soonyoung then was the real crush, now he just wants the instant gratification. The one kiss just wasn’t enough. That’s all it is. Right?

The room suddenly goes dark distracting Jihoon from his thoughts as the screen shows that it’s about to start the eighth episode.

 _Eighth?_ He wonders. They’ve been watching _Boruto_ nonstop for almost three hours.

“You’ve been quiet,” Soonyoung says looking over his shoulder. “You want to continue.”

“I’m good,” Jihoon says with a shrug and Soonyoung presses play leaning back on the pillows again, close to Jihoon but this time they aren’t touching and Jihoon thinks he ought to be embarrassed by how much he wants to lean to the side so that their arms can press against each other.

He keeps glancing sideways at Soonyoung as the episode goes on. The more Soonyoung doesn’t notice him the more shameless he gets. At one point he stares at him for an entire scene and Soonyoung doesn’t even budge, eyes trained onto the computer screen. It goes on like this for the entire episode, maybe more, Jihoon really doesn’t know time anymore, until Soonyoung leaps off the bed to stop the video and stares at Jihoon from his desk.  

“Stop staring at me,” he says, a little breathless and Jihoon blinks innocently at him.

“You have a pimple on your nose,” Jihoon replies simply and laughs when Soonyoung tries to cover it.

“What are you trying to do, Jihoon?” Soonyoung asks carefully. “We have a deal, right? You made your rules. Don’t break them.”

“I’m not doing anything!” Jihoon defends sitting up.

“You keep staring at me!”

“The show is boring! I have nowhere else to look!”

“Then let’s watch something else,” Soonyoung says calmly, quitting the video and going onto a different page to find a different show. Jihoon sighs, crawling over to the front of the bed and sitting down there to help him choose something.

“We can’t keep ignoring the elephant in the room,” Jihoon says pointedly when Soonyoung keeps stuttering over every Shoujo title he lists out.

“What elephant? There is no elephant. There’s not even a tiny tiny mouse.”

“Our kiss is the elephant, you ignoring it is the mouse,” Jihoon says and Soonyoung narrows his eyes at him.

“Since when are _you_ being so confident about this,” he accuses. “You didn’t talk to me for like three days after!”

“I was nervous! What if I’m a bad kisser?”

“You aren’t,” Soonyoung says too quickly and looks away blushing.

“I know, Wonwoo told me,” he smirks and Soonyoung curses his best friend under his breath. “What other rules did we have? Rules can be rewritten.”

“By popular vote,” Soonyoung points out.

“I say yes to kissing,” Jihoon says almost snickering and watches Soonyoung turn around all flustered again.

“I say no!” Jihoon sticks out his tongue at him and Soonyoung does the same.

“Very mature,” Jihoon says.

“You did it first!” Soonyoung says a little too loudly and sighs. “It was a good kiss though, wasn’t it?” Soonyoung’s voice is quiet and shy and Jihoon leans a little forward.

“If you say so. It was my first time after all.”

“Lucky. My first kiss was nothing like that,” Soonyoung pouts.

“What was it like?”

Soonyoung is sitting on his desk chair. The whole distance from the bed to the wall, including the desk with the computer and the desk chair itself is about a meter. They’re not so far apart and Jihoon uses the distance to his advantage, throwing his legs onto the floor so he can be even closer to Soonyoung.

“Some spin the bottle game in ninth grade,” he doesn’t look at Jihoon when he tells the story. “Everyone was watching so it was awkward and quick and then someone dared us to include tongue it was sloppy and awkward too and I think we even got each other’s saliva on our chins,” he grimaces through the story. “Not very sexy.”

“You’re right,” Jihoon snickers. “I feel pretty great about my first kiss now.”

Soonyoung looks over at him from the corner of his eye. “You’re welcome.”

They stare at each other for a long minute before Jihoon raises his hand to pull at a lock of Soonyoung’s dark brown hair. “I really do like the new color by the way,” he twirls it around his finger. “It suits you.” He watches Soonyoung breath hinge as he nods and smiles knowing how much power he’s gained in this situation. 

“You’re scaring me Lee Jihoon,” Soonyoung says quietly. “Where was this confidence a week ago?”

“I’m always confident about the things I know I’m good at,” Jihoon says simply, hand dropping from Soonyoung’s hair.

“And what are you good at in this situation?”

“Apparently kissing,” Jihoon smirks and Soonyoung doesn’t smile back, clearly nervous. “Did it feel different kissing a guy, by the way. I’m curious.”

Soonyoung’s eyes drop to Jihoon’s lips as he thinks it over. “Not really,” he admits finally. “Each person feels different.”

“You sound like a pro.”

“More pro than you.”

_Touché._

The desktop dims suddenly leaving them staring at each other in the darkness, the only light available coming in from the street outside. “Soonyoung,” Jihoon starts before he can change his mind. “I really want to kiss you again.” Jihoon hears Soonyoung’s breath hitch and thinks he’s caught him.

“The ru-“

“We can change the rules. Kissing you is fun. If fake dating me is such a pain we can make it a little more fun, right?”

“Fake dating you isn’t a pain,” he hears Soonyoung mutter softly. Soonyoung is right. It’s fun. _Soonyoung_ is really fun. But their fake relationship is a ticking time bomb at this point, soon to be useless, so Jihoon wants to make the most of it while he can. Who knows when he’ll get another boyfriend, if he’s ever even able to get a real one.

Before Jihoon can make a move Soonyoung presses the spacebar on his desktop making the next episode start and Jihoon tries not to look incredibly disappointed. Maybe it really is for the best, he thinks, watching Soonyoung sit next to him on the bed.

“If my mom walks in we can just pretend we’re watching,” he mutters, face suddenly so close to Jihoon’s, Jihoon can hardly breathe.

“Pretend?” Jihoon tries to sound as confident as he did earlier but his voice is shaking slightly. “What will we be doing instead?”

Soonyoung’s reply is a soft kiss on his lips, his hand reaching up to his cheek and Jihoon sits unmoving letting Soonyoung kiss him. “Are you ok?” He asks when he leans back because Jihoon is still as a rock, probably not even breathing.

“Just surprised,” he replies weakly.

“Sorry, I should’ve given a warning,” Soonyoung mumbles shyly and Jihoon giggles airily, feeling the familiar giddiness from last weekend. “Okay,” Soonyoung says with a small smile. “I’m going to kiss you now, don’t forget to breathe.” Jihoon laughs again and Soonyoung swallows the noise up with his lips. The kiss this time is a little more active. Soonyoung’s hand is still settled comfortably on his cheek and Jihoon turns his torso towards him laying one hand on Soonyoung’s shoulder and the other on his thigh. Their mouths open into each other and it’s like last week all over again. Wet, sloppy, exciting, and this time a little salty from the popcorn. They’re both eager to the point where it feels like they’re just pushing their faces against each other and Soonyoung can’t help but giggle when Jihoon gets too excited and bites his lip.

They separate for a moment, breathing into each other’s faces when Soonyoung takes hold of Jihoon’s hand to pull him up onto the bed to get more comfortable. They keep kissing while _Boruto_ plays in the background until Jihoon is laying down and Soonyoung is kissing him from above, Jihoon’s arms tight around his neck.

Jihoon can imagine what a sexy make out is and this isn’t it. It’s soft, careful, and sweet. Soonyoung is cautious not to touch any of Jihoon’s inappropriate places and Jihoon finds himself the more eager one who keeps trying to pull Soonyoung closer. Soonyoung separates at one point, as if to get some air, and Jihoon feels brave enough to lift his head up and kiss Soonyoung on his neck once, twice, thrice, until there’s a knock on the door and the boys separate at the speed of light, Jihoon’s arms immediately behind his head as if he’s casually watching _Boruto_ and not making out with anyone’s son.

“Yes?” Soonyoung yells out, clearing his throat.

His mom opens the door slightly to check up on them. “You two didn’t eat, are you hungry?”

“We had some popcorn, thanks mom,” Soonyoung says with a shaky smile.

“Hi, Jihoon-ah,” his mom tells Jihoon and Jihoon quickly sits up giving Soonyoung’s mom a quick nod hello.

“How are you?”

“I’m good,” she smiles politely. Jihoon can’t tell from the distance if she suspects anything but he assumes it shouldn't be difficult to especially with how red Soonyoung’s lips are. “Don’t be too loud, okay? Let me know if you need anything.” She wishes them goodnight and leaves the room. 

“Oh my god,” Soonyoung whispers even though his parents’ bedroom is three rooms away. “Does she think we’re going to have sex?”

“I think she meant the anime,” Jihoon laughs hoping Soonyoung’s mom didn’t kill the mood for more kissing.

Soonyoung plops down onto his pillow and sighs. He’s on his stomach facing Jihoon and watches him silently for a few seconds. “You really are good at everything you do,” he muses and Jihoon flushes, smiling shyly.

“I’m a quick learner,” he admits.

“Clearly.”

Jihoon leans up, nudging Soonyoung’s shoulder lightly so he rolls onto his back. Then he kisses him again, slowly like before, one arm supporting his bodyweight on his forearm while the other is on the center of Soonyoung’s chest, fingers hovering off the edge of his shirt where the skin of Soonyoung’s neck is soft and warm. He feels brave again and decides to comply with his twinge of desire to try and kiss him on his neck and the way Soonyoung’s breath hitches feels dangerous and flattering at the same time.

“I want to try something,” he whispers into Soonyoung’s skin and when Soonyoung doesn’t refuse when Jihoon bites lightly into the junction between his neck and shoulder and sucks until Soonyoung starts whining above him and Jihoon lets go leaning up to grin at him.

“Did you just give me a hickey?” Soonyoung wonders although the answer is quite obvious.

“I think so,” Jihoon grins excitedly. “I’ve always wanted to try.”

Soonyoung closes his eyes, sighing. “I think this is enough.”

“What? Why?” Jihoon pouts. “Are you not having fun?”

“That’s a severe understatement,” Soonyoung opens one eye to look at Jihoon, and Jihoon loves the way Soonyoung’s face is flushed like this, lips red just from him. He’s going to miss it.

Jihoon falls back onto the other pillow, his own eyes closing. They lay quietly like that for a long time, _Boruto_ playing in the background, and at some point they both fall asleep.

 

✉

 

They don’t wake up entangled in the morning. In fact, it’s more as if neither of them moved the entire night. Soonyoung is still on his back, one arm thrown over his eyes, light snores escaping his nose, while Jihoon is on his side facing Soonyoung, one hand under his cheek.

Jihoon watches Soonyoung for a second before his bladder starts begging for release and he’s forced to stand up and head quietly to the bathroom down the hall. When he comes back, Soonyoung is stirring awake and Jihoon sits on the bed checking his phone for any notifications.

“Did you sleep fine?” Soonyoung asks, stretching his arms above him and Jihoon nods without looking at him. He hears Soonyoung roll over and let out a small sleepy sigh and glances towards him trying not to think about how his cheek is cutely mushed against his pillow. From that angle he can see the purple spot on the lower part of his neck and he bites his lip blushing but feeling strangely proud, too.

“What are you laughing at?” Soonyoung mutters and Jihoon didn’t even realize his eyes were open.

“You got any turtlenecks?” Jihoon asks cheekily and Soonyoung groans hand going up to where Jihoon kissed him last night.

“Fuck you,” he whines. “I have like two.”

“Use one of your sisters’ concealers?”

“I ought to give you one back,” Soonyoung grumbles and Jihoon grin turns even cheekier.

“You wanna?” Jihoon tilts his head a little to expose some of his neck and Soonyoung frowns.

“So what does this all mean?”

“Hmm, in what sense?”

“Are we kissing now?”

“I guess? You’re fun to kiss.”

“Thanks.” Jihoon raises a brow pointedly. “You are also pretty fun to kiss,” Soonyoung mutters with a little sigh attached to the end.

“We could kiss around school, too. Didn’t you have all that it-couple thing planned?”

“Trust me nothing about this relationship was planned,” Soonyoung says staring somewhere away from Jihoon. The sentence feels heavy and Jihoon frowns, unable to figure out why as Soonyoung pulls himself up to a sitting position, rubbing at his eyes. “I can’t believe you went from no touching ever to saying we can kiss in school,” he looks over at him, eyes a little narrowed and strangely untrusting.

Jihoon shrugs. “We’re probably fake breaking up soon anyway so we should make the most of it right?”

Soonyoung looks at him for a long time before he looks away to climb off the bed. Something about his behavior is off and Jihoon opens his mouth to say something but Soonyoung speaks first. “Who’s breaking up with who?”

“Clearly me.”

Soonyoung’s chuckle is bitter. “I actually agree with you for once.” He leaves the room, probably to go to the bathroom and Jihoon tries to analyze the situation a little confused about that exchange. When Soonyoung returns a few minutes later, his chin is still dripping some water and he seems a little brighter than before and Jihoon decides to brush off earlier as a misunderstanding. 

They eat breakfast together, talking about school mostly and anything other than their kiss last night or how they spent twenty minutes trying to cover up the hickey on Soonyoung’s neck with one of his sister’s old foundations. The hickey was huge by the way. Jihoon is quite impressed with himself.

Later, they pick up Chan from Jihoon’s house and drive to school where Chan and Soonyoung had apparently planned to practice in one of the dance studios, while Jihoon finds an empty music studio to work on the all projects he has. He wants to work on Soonyoung’s song too but Soonyoung wanted to help him with that so he makes a mental note to sit down about it next week.

He spends three hours working on different songs until he is too hungry to think and goes back to the dance studio where his brother and fake boyfriend are sweaty and too busy to even notice that he’s walked in. He lets them finish their routine after which he finally catches Soonyoung’s eye and Soonyoung smiles happily when he sees him. 

“How’re the songs going?” He asks taking a towel to wipe off some sweat while Chan keeps dancing in front of the mirror trying to perfect his moves.  

“Good,” Jihoon opens Soonyoung’s water bottle while Soonyoung is busy wiping his face and Soonyoung mutters a thanks before chugging almost half of it. “I’m hungry, do you guys have a lot left?

“I’ve been exhausted for ages,” Soonyoung says in a low voice. “He has too much energy. We can go now if you want?”

“Please,” Jihoon says and Soonyoung nods telling Chan to pack up his things.

“What did Jihoon tell you?” Chan whines.

“Nothing! I’m starving!” Soonyoung tells him and winks at Jihoon. “We’ll just rinse ourselves off and we’ll go okay?”

“Okay.”

Jihoon waits for about ten minutes until both of them come back, hair dripping water onto clean skin. Soonyoung drives them to the diner they had dinner at when they were writing their rules and Jihoon tries not to think too much about how some of those rules have completely changed.

“You’re paying, right?” Chan asks excitedly and Jihoon frowns.

“Why? We both have allowance.”

“Yeah but you’re paying with your allowance, right?” Chan says pointedly and Jihoon’s frown deepens. Chan leans forward to whisper quietly to Jihoon, “If you don't pay I’ll tell mom about Soonyoung’s hickey.”

Jihoon blushes quickly looking over at Soonyoung collar where the hickey is back to its original purple color, peeking out from under the shirt.

“Fine,” he mutters back. “Don’t go overboard though,” he warns and Chan smiles so cockily that Jihoon wants to start crying for his withering wallet right there and then. Soonyoung watches the exchange across the table but doesn’t comment on it. Only when Chan goes to the bathroom he asks if everything is okay.

“He saw the hickey,” Jihoon almost whines. “Now he’s bribing me.”

“Well,” Soonyoung leans back smirking. “The hickey was entirely your decision. You should take responsibility.”

Jihoon narrows his eyes at him. “You’re not being a very supportive fake boyfriend right now.”

“Sorry,” Soonyoung says with a shrug. “Aren’t we breaking up soon anyway?” Jihoon is taken aback both by the statement and the way Soonyoung watches him intensely.

Jihoon clears his throat. “Right…”

Jihoon stays quiet for the rest of the meal, Chan taking over the conversation mostly as he bombards Soonyoung with questions. When Soonyoung drops them off at his house Chan runs in first letting them have some alone time and Jihoon stays inside the car because it’s getting pretty cold outside especially in the evening.

“Tomorrow morning same time?” Soonyoung says first and Jihoon nods.

“We need to work on your song this week,” Jihoon brings up because he kind of really doesn’t want to stop talking to him despite spending the entire day together.

“Sure,” Soonyoung nods. “How about Wednesday? Lunch is good, too.”

“Wednesday is good. Tuesday lunch as well.”

“Great,” Soonyoung smiles, friendly and Jihoon chews on his lips wanting to say something else.

“You think,” he starts, carefully. “After we fake break up we’ll still be friends?”

Soonyoung’s smile dims from the question. “We’ll be fine,” he says and Jihoon doesn’t quite believe it. “I’ve wanted to be your friend from the first day I met you,” Soonyoung says, glancing over at him. “You’re not getting away from me that easily.”

Jihoon lets out a laugh, feeling better. “Fine, freak,” he says jokingly. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

“Of course,” Soonyoung smiles, his eyes not in it, but Jihoon wants to believe Soonyoung’s words so he takes the smile as a positive gesture and heads home, waving at him from the porch before he goes inside.

That night Jeonghan walks in his room while Jihoon is doing some homework and sits down wordlessly on his bed.

“So,” he says after a quiet minute. “Mom wants me to talk to you about the birds and the bees.”

Jihoon swivels around in his chair. “I _will_ kick you out.”

Jeonghan snickers. “I told her she had nothing to worry about,” he admits. “But then Chan told me he saw a hickey the size of a baseball on Soonyoung’s neck and now I don’t know what to think.”

Jihoon blushes so hard he almost sees black. “It’s not that big!”

Jeonghan only smiles. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but Seungcheol and I had sex when we were your age.”

“You’re right I don’t want to hear this,” Jihoon turns back around.

“There’s no age limit to when people should have sex,” Jeonghan keeps talking, not getting the hint. “It all depends on how comfortable you are with your partner.”

“What? Are you a sex textbook now?” Jihoon narrows his eyes at his brother over his shoulder. “Soonyoung and I only made out, okay? Sex is far away. Probably will never happen anyway.”

Jeonghan frowns. “Why not? Sex is great. Especially when you love the per-“

“I’m not in love with Soonyoung!” Jihoon says a little too loudly and Jeonghan blinks, surprised.

“Well you’ve only been dating for a few months so it makes sense… I just want you to know you can speak to me about these things. When you’re ready, of course.”

“Thank you,” Jihoon says, dead-panned. “Are we done now?”

Jeonghan sighs. “You’re really such a stubborn person. Soonyoung is too nice for you.”

“I could say the same about Seungcheol,” Jihoon mutters and Jeonghan smiles like it’s a compliment.

 

Jihoon [21:23]: next time we have dinner can you please tell my family we’re never having sex

Soonyoung [21:26]: ??

Jihoon [21:27]: they keep trying to have the sex talk with me

Soonyoung [21:28]: haha okay

 

Jihoon frowns. Soonyoung never writes “haha” but he brushes it off for now. He waits for the rest of the evening for a goodnight text and when it doesn’t come he texts Soonyoung ‘goodnight’ first. When he wakes up the next morning there is still no reply and Jihoon feels strangely frightened.

 

✉

 

Jihoon was a little worried about Sunday night but Soonyoung excused it as falling asleep early and the rest of the week the ‘adore u’ texts are back and Jihoon has to admit he’s a little happy about that. 

School that week also definitely highlights how much their relationship has changed. With the exception of the few times Jihoon and Soonyoung are busy with their own things they’re almost always together now. Tuesday after they work on Soonyoung’s song at lunch, Soonyoung walks him to class and kisses him on the lips right there in the middle of hallway with all their classmates staring (it helps that they made out a little in the studio earlier, an ice breaker of sorts).   

When they eat lunch at the cafeteria on Wednesday, their friends make fun of Soonyoung's turtle neck he's been wearing all week and Jun mentions that because of dance practice he knows why.

“Our dear Jihoonie here has a very dirty dirty mouth,” he teases and the entire table stares at Jihoon and all of a sudden he feels smaller than he already is.

“Your mom let you make out with someone in your house?” Wonwoo asks, surprised.

“She thought we were watching anime,” Soonyoung admits shyly, hand going up to his neck even though nothing can be seen with it covered.

“Damn Ji,” Mingyu muses. “I never thought you’d have the balls to do that.”

Jihoon straightens out. “What? Why?”

“I don’t know? You always seemed like goody-two-shoes,” Mingyu shrugs. “Even all your songs are cute and innocent.”

“So what?” Jihoon’s eyes narrow.

Soonyoung lays a calming hand on his shoulder. “Ignore him. All his brains went to his height.”

“Come on, have you seriously thought about sex before?” Mingyu continues speaking ignoring how the entire table is getting a little uncomfortable.

“You’re a big ass virgin too, Mingyu,” Wonwoo rolls his eyes.

“Yes but I think about sex!”

“I think we all do,” Soonyoung mutters. “Jun’s even done it before.”

“Hey!” Jun peeps up. “That’s private!”

“Everyone knows, Jun,” Minghao assures him and Jun blushes.

“I’m just surprised Momo and Soonyoung didn’t do it,” Jun tries to change topics and Soonyoung’s hand drops from Jihoon’s shoulder.

“Why do you think she broke up with him?” Mingyu says pointedly and Soonyoung flushes.

“You’re pushing it Mingyu,” he tells him and Wonwoo nods agreeing.

Mingyu grimaces. “Fine, sorry,” he means it but Soonyoung doesn’t respond, distracting himself with eating his food. “I thought it was common knowledge.”

“If it’s common knowledge maybe it doesn’t need to be mentioned,” Minghao points out and Mingyu nods sheepishly, taking mental notes.

“Anyway, I’m really happy for you two,” Mingyu says.

Wonwoo laughs. “Is that a congrats on the hickey?”

Mingyu shrugs. “Don’t take this personally, Jihoon. When you wrote that song about me I had a hard time imagining you in a relationship with me or anyone, but you two seem to be doing really well. I’m glad.”

“Please keep me as far away from your imagination as possible,” Jihoon mutters and everyone laughs. Soonyoung is still quiet next to him so Jihoon reaches for his free hand laying on the table and laces their fingers together ignoring how everyone, including Soonyoung, stare at him in shock. “What?” He asks, a little annoyed.

“Nothing,” Jun mutters looking down at his food. Soonyoung is still staring at him, redness spreading on the tops of his cheeks.

“This is what I mean,” Mingyu starts again and Wonwoo hangs his head in second-hand embarrassment. “You hold hands with him and the whole table freaks out. How am I supposed to believe in a hickey?”

Soonyoung has had enough too because he drops his chopsticks to pull down his sweater. “Satisfied?” Mingyu blinks and shuts up for good. Jihoon also leans forward to catch a glimpse of it. It’s paled down to a light yellow and he smirks at Soonyoung when me moves back to his seat.

“I know we can do something that will r _eally_ freak him out,” Jihoon whispers in his ear and Soonyoung blushes, shrugging as if he doesn’t mind the proposition and Jihoon leans up to peck him once on his lips.

Jun whistles. “Damn Jihoon really has gotten ballsy.”

“We get the point,” Mingyu frowns. “Not need to shove it in our faces how the rest of us are single.”

“Oh?” Jihoon raises a brow. “ _Now_ you get the point? Maybe we should always make out in front of your face if you’ll get things quicker that way.”

“Probably,” Wonwoo smirks and Mingyu blushes.

“I said I was sorry!”

“We heard you,” Soonyoung smiles cutely and Mingyu pouts back.

“I always knew Jihoon is scary but two of you together is even more terrifying, to be honest,” Mingyu mutters before turning to Minghao so they can have a private conversation. Jihoon feels a little satisfied knowing Mingyu’s just trying to escape them.   

“So, was kissing me in front of my friend’s scary?” Soonyoung asks, when they’re walking to class just ten minutes later.

“It was pretty funny actually,” Jihoon smirks. When they reach his classroom, Jihoon puts a hand on his cheek and goes up to kiss him.

“See you after school? I got studio C reserved for a couple of hours.”

“Yeah,” Soonyoung swallows. “We better do actual work this time,” he warns and Jihoon smirks.

“We’ll see how it goes.”

(They end up writing the chorus and making out for the second hour. Jihoon thinks he can really really _really_ get used to this.)

 

✉

 

Beyond the kissing in public, two other things that started changing – first it’s people’s reactions.

Kissing Soonyoung just a few times in the hallway turned them into the most popular couple at school. Both fun and a little bit torturous, as well. Luckily as a performance arts school, outside of stereotypes, really does have a lot of students on the sexuality or gender spectrum so it’s not too weird to have same-sex couples. Jihoon does get a few anonymous comments on his music on Soundcloud especially regarding to both him and Jeonghan being “gross public faggots”.

Jihoon is good at ignoring things like that but Soonyoung is beyond angry when Jihoon mentions it and it takes a few long minutes talking and a few minutes kissing to calm him down. At school everyone is mostly nice. It’s also obvious that the two have become quite a sensation, especially when Jeonghan mentions them on his radio Friday while they’re having lunch on the bleachers with Wonwoo and Jun since it’s not raining finally and they can enjoy the outside one more time before winter hits them hard.

“Short announcement,” Jeonghan’s voice fills the field. It’s a common occurrence since Jeonghan does run the school radio, but Jihoon’s heart still feels unsettled whenever he hears his brother's voice through the speakers. “I’d like to give a proper public apology to someone very dear to me,” he says and Jihoon straightens out, realizing where this is going. “My brother and his cute boyfriend Kwon Soonyoung are having their two months’ anniversary this weekend.” Jihoon looks over at Soonyoung who’s just surprised as he is. “Honestly when they told me they’re dating, I couldn’t believe it. Our Jihoonie isn’t a very social kid, I didn’t think he’d end up alone but I never thought he’d end up with one of the most popular kids in high school either,” he snickers into the mic and Jihoon wants to die, head lowering into his hands. “But they’re both happy. And if my brother is happy, then I’m happy. Whoever has siblings knows there are always rough patches between us but at the end of the day we’d do anything to see each other happy, isn’t that right Jihoonie?” Jihoon feels equally annoyed and flattered over the entire public announcement so he can’t really make up his mind right now. “Anyway, everyone let’s wish a happy anniversary to our new favorite couple and celebrate their prospering love with the song that started it all – _Adore U_.”

The song starts playing immediately after and Jihoon looks up at the sky groaning. “He really won’t let me live a peaceful high school life.”

Soonyoung shrugs, more interested in his sandwich. “I love this song.”

“You two have your two-month anniversary this weekend?” Jun smiles. “Sweet. Congratulations.”

“Any plans?” Wonwoo asks and Jihoon looks over at Soonyoung who won’t look up at him.

“We didn’t really discuss it,” Jihoon admits finally and Jun stares between them.

“Neither of you is counting down to the anniversary? Are girls really the only ones who do that?”

“I guess we didn’t notice how much time has passed,” Jihoon says, still looking at Soonyoung who _still_ won’t meet his eyes.

That’s the second weird thing. Soonyoung. Ever since their talk last weekend he’s been a little different and Jihoon doesn’t really know what to do about it. It’s not too easily noticeable especially since Soonyoung is pretty good at having convincing smiles and they still kiss a lot whether alone or in public but right now, when he won’t even look at him… It’s moments like this when Jihoon feels genuinely concerned.

Jihoon looks away finally and catches Wonwoo watching them both curiously, but thankfully he doesn’t say anything. Instead they all continue eating their lunch, _Adore U_ blasting through the speakers to fill the silence.

 

✉

 

Soonyoung doesn’t come over Friday. One of his sisters is back for the weekend so they’re having family dinner and Jihoon doesn’t think much about it. Soonyoung does come over Saturday, though, and brings some flowers while Jihoon hands him a pair of socks with stars on it. 

“Socks?” Soonyoung wonders, observing the pair. They’re sitting on the living room coach, the flowers on the coffee table before them and Jihoon pulls up his sweatpants to show off his own star socks, except where Soonyoung’s stars are yellow with a blue background, Jihoon’s are opposite.

“We did have a rule to have matching items.”

“Yeah but didn't you want hats?” Soonyoung says, still observing the socks without any reaction.

“But these are cuter.”

“Hmm,” Soonyoung nods and finally smiles looking up at Jihoon. “They are, thank you,” he says, voice as soft as his smile and Jihoon has to look away his heart doing an awkward flip in his chest. “Happy two-month anniversary,” Soonyoung adds making Jihoon chuckle.

“It’s only really been a month and a half right?”

“For you it’s been since first year,” Soonyoung teases and Jihoon scoffs, rolling his eyes.

“Like three months in first year and that’s it.” Soonyoung doesn’t say anything for a whole minute so Jihoon looks up at him staring at some unknown spot in the corner of his living room. “You know I’m just teasing right?” He asks tentatively and Soonyoung blinks looking over at him.

“Well you aren’t really,” Soonyoung tries for a smile but it looks weak. “That’s really the only time you actually liked me.”

Jihoon chews on his lip. “I like you now, too. You’re a good friend to have,” he says finally and he means it. “It’s only been a short time but this is the best month and a half I’ve had in three years of high school.” Soonyoung still won’t meet his eyes. “Soonyoung?” he lays a hand on Soonyoung’s leg to get his attention. 

Soonyoung blinks, shaking his head. "Ah, sorry! My sister got engaged,” he says quickly and Jihoon takes his hand off his leg.

“That’s great, congratulations.” 

“Yeah, she’s graduating college this year and they’re planning to move to Busan actually.”

“Busan is fun,” Jihoon says. His grandparents live there so he still visits occasionally. 

“You lived in Busan right?” Soonyoung’s fingers are fidgeting awkwardly with his socks but at least he seems a little more like himself again.

“Yeah.”

Soonyoung nods and they’re both quiet for a few long moments before Jeonghan passes the living room and stops to glance inside.

“Flowers?” He smiles noticing the bouquet on the table. “Aren’t you always the sweetest romantic?”

Soonyoung blushes and gives Jeonghan a slight bow hello. Jeonghan takes that as an invitation inside because he walks into the living room and takes the flowers, observing them. “Sunflowers and red carnations,” he mutters smiling over at Soonyoung knowingly. “That’s symbolic.”

Jihoon glances at Soonyoung and finds him blushing. “I just thought they were pretty,” Soonyoung mutters and Jihoon suddenly remembers the flower book Wonwoo was reading the other day and doubts that’s true. 

“They really are pretty,” Jihoon points out and Soonyoung runs a hand through his messy dark hair.

“We’re having dinner with my sister and her fiancé tonight,” he says getting up. “I should go.”

Jeonghan watches them curiously and doesn’t say anything when Jihoon walks Soonyoung out to his car.

“I’d invite you but we’re breaking up soon anyway, right?” Soonyoung says jokingly but Jihoon notices his voice is a little bitter.

“There’s no rush,” Jihoon says trying to convey that he really means that. He kind of doesn’t want this to end and his mind works desperately to find a way to bring back the Soonyoung from a week ago.

“Of course not,” Soonyoung runs a hand through his hair again, probably a nervous tick except Jihoon doesn’t understand where it came from.

“Thank you for the flowers,” Jihoon says again.

“Thank you for the socks.”

“We can properly match now,” Jihoon smiles and Soonyoung chuckles.

“Right, cute,” they stare at each other for a minute. “Sorry our anniversary couldn’t be more exciting.”

“It’s okay.” It’s not a real anniversary anyway, he wants to add but doesn’t because Soonyoung seems a little too fragile to take a comment like that right now.

“Your birthday is next week,” Soonyoung says and Jihoon nods.

“No celebrations please.” Soonyoung only smiles and the possibility of a party on his birthday scares him but Soonyoung’s smile coming back is worth the impending fear.

“I’ll see you Monday?”

“Of course.”

They stand like that for another minute before Soonyoung leans down and kisses Jihoon a little too enthusiastically even though it’s just a kiss goodbye. When he leans away he mutters shyly, “Happy fake anniversary, fake boyfriend.”

Jihoon can’t help but smile. “Fake congratulations to you too.”

When he comes back inside Jeonghan is arranging Jihoon’s flowers into a vase. “Thanks,” he says coming closer until he can lean in to smell one of the carnations. “What _do_ these mean?”

“Soonyoung seemed weird,” Jeonghan says instead, ignoring the question.

“Yeah he’s been like that for a little while,” Jihoon admits.

“Are you two fighting?”

“No.”

“You think he lost interest in you?”

Jihoon frowns. “He just kissed me. I don’t think so.”

Jeonghan touches one of the sunflower’s petals. “Well according to these he surely hasn’t,” he mutters and Jihoon swallows, still curious of their meaning.

“How do you know if someone is going to break up with you?” Jihoon asks, despite himself and Jeonghan tilts his head.

“Well I’ve only really had one boyfriend,” he says cheekily and Jihoon tries not to roll his eyes. “I think you shouldn’t worry, though. If anything I think you’re the one who would break up with him.”

That’s what Soonyoung said, too. “Why?”

“Soonyoung likes you too much,” Jeonghan says simply and when the doorbell rings he excuses himself to go answer it.

Jihoon takes the vase up to his room and places it on the corner of his desk. They really are pretty, he thinks, and wakes up his computer to google what the flowers mean. 

It only takes him a few minutes to find that sunflowers mean dedicated love and red carnations stand for heartache and admiration and when Jihoon looks back at the bouquet weirdly he feels dread.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always thank you for reading!! u can find me at [twit](https://twitter.com/iluhosh) // [cc](https://curiouscat.me/iluhosh) if ud like~~


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was super hard to write im sorry it took so long but it's still 9k+ so i guess at least there's that..

Monday morning Jihoon sits on his porch waiting anxiously for Soonyoung hoping his jitteriness won’t be too obvious.

Ever since the flowers he can’t seem to calm down. Their entire relationship that past week has felt like an uncomfortable rollercoaster and Jihoon is scared that they’re about to lose everything good they have set up.

Sunflowers. Dedicated love… Jihoon doubts Soonyoung really meant that as  _love_  but he’s been a dedicated boyfriend this entire time so he interprets it as that.

Then the carnations. The gorgeous red flowers that Google told him stood for heartache and admiration and Jihoon’s mind can’t help but go to their first conversation when Soonyoung told him he has always been impressed with Jihoon. There’s the heartache meaning too, and although it’s a strong hint to what might really be affecting Soonyoung, Jihoon is scared to delve to deep in there.

When Soonyoung finally arrives he waves at him cheerily from the driver seat and Jihoon doesn’t know how much he can trust Soonyoung’s smiles anymore. They keep changing in a split of a second, but for now he takes this one as a good sign. 

“Good morning,” Jihoon says climbing in. “How was your weekend?”

“Great!” Soonyoung smiles excitedly. “Noona left today but her fiancé is really nice and I can’t wait for the wedding, it’s gonna be huge! He’s totally loaded!” Jihoon laughs at that. Soonyoung seems in a good mood… Jihoon hopes it’ll stay this way.

“We should finish the lyrics for your song this week,” Jihoon brings up, not mentioning how the only reason they haven’t already finished them is because they always got distracted doing… Other things. “When’s the recital?”

“Start of December.” 

“Yeah,” Jihoon nods. “Definitely need to work on it. Do you know who you want to sing for it?”

“Um,” Soonyoung chews on his lip. “Seokmin is great? I feel like his voice might be too strong for this song, though. You can too if you have time, I love your voice,” he says it so casually Jihoon stares pointedly out the window so Soonyoung doesn’t see the heat he feels on his cheeks. “Also I kind of wanted to try maybe?” 

Jihoon looks over at him in surprise. “You sing?”

“Not amazingly,” Soonyoung blushes, eyes on the road. “I think my voice is too nasally sometimes, but I think I’d like to try.”

“Sure,” Jihoon agrees easily. He’s kind of curious how Soonyoung will sound singing, too. “We just need to finish writing the final draft and then we can start recording either this or next week.”

“Thank you, Jihoon,” Soonyoung says meaningfully.

“It’s my pleasure,” and Jihoon means it so much he has a weird urge to reach out and touch Soonyoung to nail in the point. He doesn’t and the fact that he wanted to leaves him unsettled for the rest of the car ride. 

 

✉

 

They work on the song Tuesday lunch like they did last week. They don’t kiss at all this time, not since Saturday. Soonyoung has given him a quick peck on the cheek before classes but otherwise nothing else and Jihoon doesn’t push it. The flower meanings still hover in the back of his mind. 

Soonyoung contributes quite a lot to the lyrics. They’re a bit flamboyant but it fits Soonyoung and Jihoon lets him do anything he wants with the song and guides him through it. He can see how nervous Soonyoung is but it’s endearing and Jihoon can’t help but respect the kind of hard worker Soonyoung is.

“Do you want to try singing the chorus?” Jihoon suggests, they only have about ten minutes left before class. “I want to get a feel of your voice.” Soonyoung nods shyly and clears his throat waiting for Jihoon to set up the melody for him.

When Soonyoung sings it’s… New. Jihoon doesn’t have another way to explain it. He understands what Soonyoung means by his voice being a little nasally, but when he said it earlier he meant it in a bad way. There’s nothing bad about his voice. Jihoon has been working with students for two years now and he’s never heard anything like it.

After he sings his chorus he stops clearing his throat again as the song keeps going and has to be the one to pause it because Jihoon can’t stop staring at him.

“What?” Soonyoung asks carefully. “I know it’s not as good as your voice or anything but–“

“Soonyoung your voice is beautiful,” Jihoon cuts him off and watches his entire face turn a sweet shade of red.

“I love singing,” Soonyoung admits with a soft chuckle. “I never really tried too much.”

“You should. You have a unique voice. I’ve honestly never heard anything like it.”

“Good enough for this song?” 

“It’s your song,” Jihoon smiles. “Of course your voice would be perfect for it.” 

“Ahh,” Soonyoung sighs, as if releasing the tension trapped in his chest. “That means a lot coming from you.”

“Have you ever practiced professionally?”

“I mean I’ve been in choir classes and I sing in the shower…”

“You should take it more seriously. You have huge potential.”

“Idol potential?” Soonyoung asks eagerly.

“Do you want to be an idol?” Jihoon laughs. It wouldn’t be surprising. They’re a performance arts school in South Korea. Having thoughts of being an Idol isn’t uncommon. Since their school is quite a bit out of Seoul most people who do join companies move schools so Jihoon’s not really sure how the process works.

“I mean I’ve thought about it?” Soonyoung admits. “Haven’t we all? That’s not why I want to sing, though.”

“Why do you?”

Soonyoung shrugs. “I just want to try it out I guess,” he smiles. “Singing is fun.” Jihoon can’t disagree with that one.

“I’m excited to record with you,” he tells him and Soonyoung smiles, cheeks bunched up and face oozing happiness. Jihoon loves that smile. It makes him smile back every time.

 

✉

 

“So your birthday is tomorrow?” Jun asks at the lunch table the next day.

Jihoon looks around the table hoping nobody heard but everybody is already staring at him. “Yeah… I’m turning seventeen.”

“Sweet seventeen~” Jun singsongs with a cheery grin. “Our tiniest is finally joining us.” Jihoon cringes at that and glances around the cafeteria. Half of the lunch break has already passed and Soonyoung still hasn’t joined them. “Looking for lover boy?”

Jihoon blushes at that and throws Jun a glare. “I haven’t seen him since the morning,” Jihoon admits finally, voice low so nobody else at the table eavesdrops. “He’s been acting weird.”

Jun chews on his lower lip but doesn’t say anything. “I don’t think you need to worry,” he says finally and Jihoon narrows his eyes.

“What do you mean?” Jun simply smiles and before he can say anything else Wonwoo joins the table and whispers something in Jun’s ear before sitting down. “What’s going on?” Jihoon asks quickly.

“Hey Jihoon,” Wonwoo smiles, all pearly white teeth out. “It’s your birthday tomorrow, right?”

Before Jihoon can reply Jun excuses himself from the table and leaves the same way Wonwoo had come. “You’re not planning something are you?” Jihoon feels the anxiety brewing in his chest. He never celebrates his birthdays. He’s never had too many people he can celebrate it with, but a celebration just for him… He shudders just thinking about it.

Wonwoo simply shrugs and turns to Mingyu to tease him about his essay he was fixing for him the night before. Jihoon mixes his rice with chopsticks and thinks a little helplessly how without Soonyoung by his side there isn’t much tying him to his table. Seokmin, Mingyu and Wonwoo are in their own world. Seungkwan and Vernon are bickering over ballads versus hiphop. Jun has run off somewhere. Soonyoung isn’t there…

Jihoon looks up and scans the cafeteria again and sees Jeonghan on another table with some of his friends and Seungcheol’s arm casually over his shoulder and he thinks that comfort… Having someone by his side like that. Someone he can trust. It’s his favorite thing about being – whether in a real or fake way – with Soonyoung.

“Hey!”  _Speak of the devil…_  Jihoon thinks and smiles at Soonyoung plopping next to him on the bench. “Can we record after school?”

“Hi…” Jihoon watches him warily and ignores the fact that Jun just came back to the table casually at the same time. “I didn’t reserve a room.”

“I did!” Soonyoung grins. “Just spoke to Bumzu-hyung he said it’s fine.”

“Sounds good…” Jihoon nods. “That doesn’t explain what you’re planning behind my back,” he adds in a whisper and Soonyoung smiles innocently, head tilting in question.

“What are you talking about?” He asks, as if it isn’t obvious and Jihoon sighs, giving up. Plus, it’s kind of easy to forgive Soonyoung when he shares his parents’ apple pastries with him.

 

✉

 

The good thing about Soonyoung being as hardworking as Jihoon is that they work really well and really fast together. In just an hour and a half the song is almost fully recorded and Jihoon is pleasantly overwhelmed because he really had no idea Soonyoung could sing so well.

“Are you okay?” He asks when Soonyoung collapses on the chair next to him massaging his throat. “Drink some more water, you sang for a long time.”

“It’s okay,” he smiles through it. “That was too much fun. Can we hear it?”

“We only did the first half and I still need to add background vocals and arrange it properly,” Jihoon mutters but drags the mouse to the start of the song anyway. “This is still a demo…” When he hits play he watches Soonyoung’s reaction closely. The song sounds good so far, it has a nice dance tempo and Soonyoung's voice sounds amazing even if a little lonely and Jihoon gets distracted thinking of ways he can make the song sound a little more full.

"So?" Jihoon prompts after they listen through while Soonyoung sits motionless, open mouthed yet speechless.

"I love it."

"Really?"

"Really," he looks over at Jihoon and smiles a little cheekily. "I sound pretty good, right?"

Jihoon can't help but chuckle. "Okay I knew this would get to your head."

"Didn't I though?"

Jihoon meets his eyes smiling a little exasperatedly. "Your voice was surprising. Not in a bad way of course... I just really didn't expect you to sing so well."

Soonyoung's mouth drops and he sighs contently. "Thanks Jihoon. It's a pleasure to work with you."

"You're the first one to ever say that," Jihoon laughs and Soonyoung purses his lips.

"Well.. I think there is a certain way you want things, sure. But you really know what you're doing. I trust what you tell me, that's all that matters."

Jihoon looks at him, himself a little speechless this time. Jihoon isn't harsh with the people he works with – he isn't at a place to be – but he tends to lose patience a little if people aren't following directions. Soonyoung is dedicated. He understands hard work. Working with him felt a little like working with himself... They understand each other that way and it's like first year all over each other. Equal dance partners except now equal partners in many other ways.

"You're a hard worker, Soonyoung," Jihoon tells him. "You're fun to work with."

"Then I hope this won't be the last time we work together like this," Soonyoung smiles and Jihoon tries to smile back but his chest feels heavy all of a sudden. They're close, sitting like this. Two chairs next to each other and the screen the only light in the room. Usually their studio sessions are flirty and end up with much more kissing over talking but this week has been different.

"Of course it won't be. Why do you say it like that?" Jihoon tries laughing it off but it sounds weak even to himself.

"Everything we've been saying this last week has sounded so... Final," Soonyoung pulls away a little. "I don't know what to think."

Jihoon doesn't say anything for a long minute. "I mean we got to stop this right? It's unfair to both us to stay in a situation like this."

Soonyoung tilts his head. "Why?"

"Don't you feel trapped?"

"Do you?"

"No, but–"

"Why the but?" Soonyoung's teeth poke out in a small smile. "We're enjoying this so why are we forcing things to end?”

"Because you deserve to be with someone you actually like."

Soonyoung watches Jihoon for a second, smile turning smaller and more shy. "You too," he says finally and Jihoon sighs, feeling his heart hammering in his chest when Soonyoung moves a little closer.

Their kiss feels different today, too. Soonyoung's eyes close when he places their mouths together and Jihoon watches him for a moment before he closes his eyes too and kisses Soonyoung back. It's a soft kiss, not that they’ve never had those too but this one doesn't really feel like they're making out. They're just kissing. And it's nice.

When Soonyoung moves away even in the darkness of the room it's easy to tell then he's blushing and Jihoon doesn't know why but it makes him feel dread.

"Should we go?" Jihoon asks quickly when Soonyoung opens his mouth to say something and Soonyoung lets out a confused sound before he closes his mouth into a small smile and nods.

The car ride is a bit awkward, back to how it's been that entire week. Jihoon looks out the window in silence the entire time and ignores how Soonyoung's eyes keep darting towards him. It's even more annoying that he's smirking the entire time as if he’s figured something out.

"So tomorrow?" Soonyoung says when they park outside of Jihoon's house, lips twisted into a frustrating cheeky smile.

"Yeah," Jihoon says dumbly, eyes avoiding Soonyoung. "Thanks for the ride."

"It's no problem." Jihoon ignores the smile in his voice. "By the way, Jihoon?" He prompts then and Jihoon finally looks up expectantly.

"Yeah?"

Instead of a reply Soonyoung leans over to him and kisses him quickly on the lips. "Happy early birthday," he grins and moves away waving cutely and Jihoon tries hard to keep his face from setting on fire.

"Thanks... Goodnight Soonyoung," he mutters shyly and runs off to his house confused but scared to think too much about it.

 

✉

 

The next day Soonyoung comes to pick him up slightly earlier than usual and Jihoon can hear his mom let him in. When he finally dresses and comes downstairs, he finds Soonyoung in the entrance talking with his mom and holding a little red velvet cupcake with a candle on it.

“Happy birthday!” He grins and Jihoon freezes mid-step before making it all the way down. 

“Good morning, to you too,” he mutters, rubbing his eyes. “Please don’t tell me you baked that.”

“Why would that be bad?” Soonyoung frowns.

“Be nice!” His mom scolds him but presses a kiss to his forehead anyway. “Happy birthday, honey. Seventeen! Big age!” She adds with a wink and Jihoon tries not to think of their conversation from last week. “Don’t forget about dinner, tonight? We’ll celebrate then.”

“Like I could forget,” he mutters and his mom chuckles ignoring his morning mood.

“Oh and Soonyoung,” she says before she disappearing inside the kitchen. “I insist that you come,” she smiles.

“Only if Jihoon doesn’t mind,” Soonyoung replies cutely and the lack of formality there is suspicious.

“You can come,” Jihoon says anyway and Soonyoung grins happily.

“You’re a grumpy person in the morning,” Soonyoung comments when his mom is gone. “I never realized.”

“I need ten more minutes to become a person. Also I hate birthdays.”

Soonyoung’s brows rise. “Really?”

Jihoon eyes him for a second and sighs, taking the cupcake. “Of course not really. I’m not that sad of a person,” he takes a big bite out of the cupcake, feeling icing get caught on his nose and ignores how cutely it makes Soonyoung smile.

Before he can wipe it off himself, Soonyoung reaches with his own finger and takes it off and then, to Jihoon’s complete shock, puts the finger in his mouth. 

“Mmmm,” he says smirking. “Yummy.”

“If you wanted a taste you should’ve just said so,” Jihoon wipes off the rest of the icing with the back of his hand hoping his face isn’t as red as it feels.

“But then I wouldn’t see this cute pink Jihoonie, would I?” Soonyoung teases and Jihoon shoves him out the door before he can suffer any more humiliation before they’ve even reached school.

 

✉

 

The school day passes by rather normally except for everyone wishing him happy birthday left and right while Jihoon shuts them down with a glare.

“Don’t be so rude,” Jun scolds him as they walk to their class together. “Everyone means well.”

“Last year none of these people wished me happy birthday,” Jihoon replies and Jun watches him from the corner of his eye.

“You’re not actually bitter about that,” he says matter-of-factly.

“I’m not,” Jihoon agrees. “I don’t care. It’s just a waste of my time when they don’t actually care if it’s my birthday.”

“They’re just being polite,” Jun points out and Jihoon shrugs. “You’re such a delight,” he adds then, grinning slightly. “I can see why Soonyoung likes you so much.”

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “It’s my birthday. You can’t be rude to me today.”

Jun scoffs and throws an arm over Jihoon’s shoulders. “You live in your own little world Lee Jihoon.”

Jihoon still disagrees with that. His own world or not, he just likes his privacy. And random people who never paid much attention to him before suddenly showing interest in his birthday is the opposite of that. Still, he tries to be as civil as he can and when at lunch Mingyu offers him his homemade crispy chicken, his birthday doesn’t seem too horrible anymore.

(Jeonghan does make sure to play happy birthday songs throughout the day, but Jihoon ignores them all for the sake of his sanity).

 

✉

 

Soonyoung drives Jihoon home after school and they stop by the diner for a milkshake on the way because well… Soonyoung is a little sentimental and Jihoon indulges him kindly every time they go there even though he’s not the biggest fan of American food. They share a vanilla milkshake with two straws for each of them. It’s a scene straight of a movie and Jihoon tries not to blush at the cheesiness of it, but with the way Soonyoung is smiling teasingly at him probably means it isn't working.

“You just did this to tease me,” Jihoon accuses him when they walk out of the restaurant. 

“The milkshake was yummy though, wasn’t it?”  Soonyoung asks, throwing his arm around Jihoon’s shoulders and Jihoon sinks into the touch.

“It was okay,” Jihoon mutters.

“Just okay?” Soonyoung tilts his head towards him. “Do you want to get one last taste to make sure?” He adds cheekily when they reach his car and Jihoon is confused only for a second before Soonyoung leans in to kiss him. They don’t kiss in public too often, but in late November by five in the afternoon it’s already almost dark and it feels kind of too good to be pressed against Soonyoung’s car, their mouths together.

“So?” Soonyoung asks when he leans away.

“Couldn’t really taste it so well,” Jihoon mutters trying to chase Soonyoung’s lips but Soonyoung leans back quickly taking out his phone from his pocket to check a notification.

“It’s getting late,” Soonyoung says. “I should take you home.”

“Dinner’s only at seven,” Jihoon frowns.

“Since we’re going back to your place I was thinking we can work on some music, like we talked about remember?”

Jihoon remembers vaguely that little deal they did when Soonyoung first visited his room and sighs. “Fine,” Jihoon nods. “It’s  _my_  birthday, though, why should I be doing you any favors?”

“Because you love music?” Soonyoung tries and Jihoon hums unsurely. “Because you love spending time with me?” To that, Jihoon doesn’t reply and simply gets into the car ignoring Soonyoung’s happy grin. 

 

✉

 

They have about an hour and a half before dinner so they spend it making a random song just so Jihoon can show Soonyoung how he uses his software. Soonyoung is incredibly into it, it’s endearing. Also a little scary how much he understands about music right off the bat and even though Jihoon usually prefers starting with lyrics, having Soonyoung with him helps create a melody from scratch pretty easily.

“Like it?” Jihoon asks when they’re listening to the thirty second draft they created in that hour.

“This is fun…” Soonyoung’s wide eyes are on the software and it’s clear he’s still lost on how the production part works. “How long does it take you to write a full song?”

Jihoon shrugs. “It depends… I do start with lyrics first, it helps.”

Soonyoung nods and then glances over to Jihoon turning sheepish. “Sorry I had to waste your birthday time like this.”

“I’m not wasting my time,” Jihoon tells him honestly. “I love making music and it’s nice to see how interested you are in it.”

Soonyoung nods to that as well and Jihoon is a little confused why Soonyoung turned suddenly shy again. He’s been doing that a lot the past little while.

“Soonyoung…” Jihoon starts carefully. “Is something bothering you?”

Soonyoung’s eyes snap to his in surprise, as if he didn’t expect Jihoon to notice. “Actually,” he starts pressing his lips together. “I’ll talk to you about it later, okay? You don’t need to worry about it right now.”

Jihoon looks at him unconvinced. “If you forgot to get me a birthday present, it’s okay.”

Soonyoung lets out a forced laugh. “Don’t worry about that,” he grins.

They’re close enough where if Jihoon leans a little closer their noses will touch and just that fact alone is enough to set Jihoon’s heart in double speed. “I mean it… You’ve done enough for me,” Jihoon says finally.

“You keep saying that,” Soonyoung grin softens. “But I’m doing it all out of my own pleasure.”

“That just concerns me,” Jihoon tries to tease. “Are you that bored?”

“It’s not boredom,” Soonyoung says pointedly.

“Hmm…You’re just  _that_  dedicated, right?” Jihoon feels himself throwing them in circles and Soonyoung does too because he sighs.

“I just like it, okay?” He says a little frustrated. “I like spending time with you and that’s that.”

“Okay,” Jihoon smiles, it’s cute when Soonyoung gets pouty and honest like that and he can’t help lean a little forward. Up close, Soonyoung’s eyes go a little crossed when he looks at Jihoon and Jihoon grins at him when their noses are almost touching. When neither of them moves for at least a few seconds Jihoon’s smile turns into a frown. “Do I need to ask for it?”

“As for what?” Soonyoung blinks innocently.

Jihoon leans away a little. “It’s my birthday, Soonyoung,” he pouts. “The least you can do is get the hint.”

“I’m not the one who needs to get the hint,” Soonyoung mutters and Jihoon is about to ask what he means by that but Soonyoung seems to realize what he just said and quickly kisses Jihoon just to distract him. Jihoon is ashamed to admit it, but it works. He likes kissing Soonyoung too much to linger on Soonyoung’s words especially when Soonyoung opens his mouth and the kiss becomes more interesting than any other conversation they might have.

At one point Jihoon gets up to drag them onto his bed because it’s easier than making out on two chairs and with Soonyoung hovering above him and Jihoon’s hands crawling under his shirt the sex conversations from last week suddenly hit him and Jihoon briefly wonders how many new connotations making out as seventeen year olds really bring even if in a fake relationship.

Before he can think too much about it there’s a knock on their door and Soonyoung rolling off of him is the quickest Jihoon has ever seen anybody move.

“Dinner is ready!” It’s Jihoon’s mom and Jihoon closes his eyes, praying a quick thank you that she didn’t come in.

“We’ll be right there!” Jihoon calls back and turns his head to look at Soonyoung who’s on his back staring helplessly at the ceiling. Jihoon leans up on his elbow to look at him better. “You okay?”

“You keep kissing me,” Soonyoung says, not meeting Jihoon’s eyes.

“You keep kissing me back."

Soonyoung chuckles dryly. He is staring into some distant part of Jihoon’s bedroom and when Jihoon follows his gaze he realizes he’s looking at the flowers he gave him last week.

Right. Heartbreak and devotion. Jihoon hasn’t thought too much about them since he looked up their meanings. He’s not really sure what to gain from that knowledge. It’s not like Jihoon really wants to break up either. 

“Did you look up their meanings?” Soonyoung asks, sensing Jihoon knows what he’s looking at.

“Yeah,” Jihoon admits. Soonyoung meets Jihoon’s eyes almost expectantly but Jihoon doesn’t really say much else. He doesn’t know what he should be saying. “We should go to dinner,” Jihoon says quickly before their conversation can turn awkward again.

Soonyoung closes his eyes, sighing, and gets up nodding. Before they leave the room, Jihoon fixes Soonyoung’s collar ignoring the soft way Soonyoung looks at him and when Jihoon’s hand is on the doorknob Soonyoung quickly takes hold of his face to kiss him softly before they go downstairs.

“Happy birthday,” he says quietly.

Jihoon’s chest feels heavy either from the soft kiss or Soonyoung’s soft voice, he isn’t sure. But it almost hurts. “Hey,” he scolds echoing Soonyoung, but it’s weak. “You keep kissing me.”

Soonyoung’s lips purse for a second but he covers it with a grin. “You’re fun to kiss,” he shoots Jihoon’s words from the other day back at him and Jihoon narrows his eyes at him before they leave the room for dinner.

As soon as Jihoon is downstairs he is grabbed from behind and suddenly there’s people in front of him yelling surprise and confetti flying in his face.

“Happy birthday Jihoon!” He registers Mingyu’s voice but he can’t check for sure since he’s got some confetti in his eye and before he can decipher who else is there he is picked up and thrown and spun in the air.

“Okay, okay!” He hears himself yelling but he laughs through it, pleasantly surprised and when he’s put down he sees Soonyoung bring out a cake and his new friends singing happy birthday around him.

It’s all in slow motion almost. The huge “17” candles burning as he slowly recognizes the faces around him, Mingyu, Minghao, Jun, Wonwoo, Hansol, Seokmin and Seungkwan. Jeonghan and Chan are there too and Seungcheol… His mom is filming in the background and Soonyoung holding the cake.

“Make a wish!” Someone yells and Jihoon’s eyes snap away from Soonyoung and down to his cake and before he can think too much he makes a wish and blows out the candles.

 _I hope things stay like this forever_.

 

✉

 

The aftershock passes quickly and Jihoon spends the evening with his friends playing cards and video games and eating junk food on his living room floor. He loves his family birthday dinners but some pizza and great company is definitely worth replacing all that.

“Were you surprised?” Seokmin asks excitedly.

“I did suspect something,” Jihoon admits, still overwhelmed. “But I didn’t actually think you guys would do all this…” He tries not to sound too insecure as he says it, but he really didn’t think he was close enough for everyone to plan all this for him.

Wonwoo is the one who pats him supportively on the shoulder and Jihoon tries not to show how much that little sign of affection gets to him. “It’s our pleasure, Jihoon,” he says. “You’re our friend, whether you like it or not.”

“We need to appreciate whoever is bold enough to withstand Soonyoung-hyung,” Seungkwan adds and Soonyoung, from the other side of the room where he’s losing to Hansol in Mario Kart screams back a “hey!”

At one point Jeonghan stops by since naturally he wasn’t about to spend his evening with a bunch of kids even though he’s quite close with Seokmin, and calls Jihoon over.

“Haven’t spoken to you all day little brother,” he teases leading him into the kitchen for some privacy and Jihoon stiffs when he sees Seungcheol is there. “Here’s a little present for you,” Jeonghan hands him over a gift card, distracting him. It’s for a music shop. “Seungcheol and I both pitched in, we know you’ve wanted a guitar for a while.”

Jihoon blinks at it for a second before taking it. “Thank you,” he lets out finally. He’s been using the guitars they offer at school for years and has always wanted one of his own. Then he looks up at Jeonghan and Seungcheol again, feeling pleasantly warm. “Seriously, thank you.”

“We were going to get you one, but weren’t sure what kind would fit you best,” Jeonghan smirks, proud of their present and Jihoon nods.

“I appreciate that, thank you,” Jihoon says again and smiles, excited.

“We can come with you to help pick,” Seungcheol offers and Jihoon doesn’t look at him right away. “If you’d like.”

It takes a moment for Jihoon to nod and smile at Seungcheol. “Actually yeah, I’d love that.” Seungcheol grins at him and Jeonghan leans forward to give Jihoon a quick hug.

“Proud of you by the way,” he tells him when he leans away before Jihoon can push him off. “I didn’t realize you’ve made so many friends.”

“They’re not really my friends…” Jihoon mutters shyly and Jeonghan frowns.

“They did all of that just for you, don’t you think it's a little unfair of you to say that.”

Jihoon swallows. “I didn’t mean it like that…”

“You’re a great friend, Jihoon,” Seungcheol speaks up. “They’re lucky to have you.” Jeonghan nods agreeing and Jihoon runs a hand through his hair feeling flustered.

“It’s been a pretty fun birthday…” He admits finally and when he notices the two grinning at him he shoots them a glare.

“Cute,” Jeonghan says, jumping up on the counter and naturally slipping a hand onto Seungcheol’s shoulder. Jihoon knows he’s not doing it on purpose but his mind still goes there. “Don’t let us keep you here,” Jeonghan winks. “We can go guitar shopping this weekend.”

Jihoon grins. “Okay,” he looks at both of them again. “Thank you so much, seriously. This means a lot.” Jeonghan shoos him away and Seungcheol grins, satisfied with their gift.

When Jihoon goes back to the living room the first person he looks for is Soonyoung and he goes up to sit next to him on the floor by the couch. “Look what Jeonghan and Seungcheol got for me,” he brags taking out the gift card. “It’s for a guitar.”

Soonyoung’s mouth opens in a small ‘o’. “I didn’t know you played guitar.”

“I don’t own one because I already have all my other music stuff so I never justified asking for one… But I can play.”

“That’s kind of sexy,” Soonyoung teases making Jihoon glance around to see if anyone is listening. “You should play for me some time,” he adds.

“Maybe,” Jihoon promises before Hansol takes out cards against humanity and even though it’s in English they all somehow play together anyway.

 

 ✉

 

Around ten thirty most people leave since it’s a school night. Soonyoung helps Jihoon clean up the living room before he goes home and Jihoon could tell all evening Soonyoung is nervous about something, from the way they left off things before the surprise to how Wonwoo kept glancing knowingly between them, but Jihoon is too scared to ask about it.

“Did you have fun today?” Soonyoung checks while they wash the snack bowls in the kitchen.

“Yeah,” Jihoon admits, shyly. “I am not really someone who’s had many friends… This is the first time I’ve celebrated my birthday like this. Thank you.” It’s embarrassing to admit, but Jihoon never really minded his birthdays before. He loves spending time with his family, but the newness of this year was pleasant too. He kind of hopes he’ll stay friends with everyone for the rest of high school even if his and Soonyoung’s relationship is bound to end soon.

“My friends really like you,” then Soonyoung pauses, fixing himself. “Our friends.”

“There’s still kind of just your friends… I’m temporary, right?”

Soonyoung glances at him sideways. “Don’t say that. They really like you. I think they like you more than me.”

Jihoon chuckles. “That’s definitely not true.” Soonyoung is easier to adore than he is to be friends with. And he’s the most approachable boy ever.

“You know I wasn’t the one who suggested tonight?” Soonyoung says soaping the last of the dishes. “Minghao did.”

Jihoon is actually surprised about that. “Really? We’ve never really spoken much.” 

“He heard from Mingyu your birthday is soon and suggested it. He sees you’re a shy kid he wanted to make you feel more comfortable with us,” Soonyoung smiles softly as he says it. “Minghao’s always been an introspective guy. He actually admires you a lot. I think he, Hansol and Mingyu can start a little Jihoon fanclub.”

Jihoon scoffs. “And who’ll be president?”

“Me,” Soonyoung says too quickly and then grins cheekily at a flustered Jihoon. When they’re done with the dishes they go back to the living room to make sure everything is clean and stand awkwardly in the middle of the room when they see the job is done.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung speaks up finally. “Walk me to my car?”

Jihoon opens his mouth, slightly confused, he always does anyway, but nods without saying anything. When they’re outside Soonyoung asks Jihoon to wait on the porch and quickly runs to his car and when he comes back, he has a little box in his hand.

“I wanted to give you this once everyone left…”

“You really didn’t have to get me anything,” Jihoon feels his heart hammering as he reaches for the box. “Even the cupcake this morning was enough.”

“It’s a thank you present.”

“Thank you?” Jihoon chuckles. “You don’t need to thank me for anything.”

“Sure I do. You’re working on a song for me, you watch anime with me, you’re willing to put up with me as a fake boyfriend.”

“Don’t make it sound like that,” Jihoon watches the box in his hand, his voice soft in the night. When he looks up at Soonyoung, Soonyoung is watching him with big nervous eyes and Jihoon squeezes the box in his hand tighter. “I’m not ‘willing’ to put up with you,” he tries to sound as convincing as possible. “This month and a half have been incredible, you have to know that. I’m the one who’s endlessly thankful.”

Soonyoung licks his lips and Jihoon can’t help but notice how his lower lip trembles slightly. “Open it?” He asks in a soft whisper and Jihoon nods, tilting his head to hide the blooming in his cheeks. He’s blushed more in the past month than he has in his whole seventeen years. He’s sure of that.

He pulls the string off carefully and opens the box ignoring how much the heat of Soonyoung's gaze is affecting him. Inside is a small earring. It's a clip on since Jihoon doesn't have his ears pierced and it's shaped like a star.

Jihoon can't help but let out a chuckle. "Cute," he mutters picking it up to look at it more closely.

"Noona… My main dance coach,” he corrects himself. “Calls me Hoshi sometimes, it's Japanese for star so I guess in a way I wanted to give part of myself to you," Soonyoung tries to explain it carefully but he mumbles through most of it anyway. Jihoon can't look away from the earring. He doesn't know what to say. "I have a matching one," he adds tilting his head to show him. "I guess it can be our second couple item," he chuckles clearly panicking a little because Jihoon still hasn't said anything.

"Thank you," Jihoon says finally. "It's really pretty." He feels his voice weak in the night but he doesn't really know what to say.  _Give part of myself to you_ , what does that even mean? It makes Jihoon want to cry. He puts the box on the rail beside him and reaches for his ear to try to clip it on, eyes avoiding Soonyoung but incredibly aware that he’s watching him.

"Do you need help?" Soonyoung asks finally when Jihoon keeps failing to put it on.

"Sorry, I've never worn one of these."

"Sure," Soonyoung grins and Jihoon looks away again not knowing how to take it. He passes the earring to him and tilts his head sideways ignoring how the soft brushes of Soonyoung's fingers against his skin send shivers up and down his spine. "Done," he says after a second pulling away and when Jihoon finally meets his eyes he finds Soonyoung smiling knowingly at him.

"What?" Jihoon can't help but ask.

"I like the earring. It looks good on you."

"Thanks," Jihoon mumbles placing his hand over it and feeling the jewelry with his fingers.  _Part of Soonyoung... "_ Thank you for all of tonight mister fake boyfriend," he adds trying to lighten up the atmosphere but Soonyoung's expression turns more serious instead.

"Jihoon…” He says, voice different than a few seconds earlier. “Does all this still feel fake to you?" He is watching Jihoon closely and Jihoon feels air get stuck in his lungs.

"Well isn't it?" He forces out.

"Are we really..." Soonyoung licks his lips as if gathering his words. "We're not so fake lately, don’t you think?" He rephrases.

Jihoon swallows the lump in his throat. "What do you mean?"

Soonyoung's brows narrow and he gives him a knowing stare like it’s obvious but Jihoon still stares helplessly at him. "We're together all the time," Soonyoung says as an example. "We enjoy spending time together. Whatever this fake dating thing it is that we're doing, we're enjoying it. Our friends already think we're dating and we kiss... All the time."

"I mean sure..." Jihoon says carefully. "It's all part of the act, isn't it? We have to make it look believable."

Soonyoung's expression turns confused. Like he didn't expect the conversation go this way. Jihoon didn't really expect this conversation to happen at all.

"Not when we're alone," Soonyoung says pointedly.

"Well you're fun to kiss," Jihoon says  _again_  feeling stupid as soon as the words are out of his mouth.

Soonyoung is quiet for a long moment, brows still furrowing with confusion. "Have you really never thought about it?"

"Thought about what?"

Soonyoung is clearly trying to keep himself together and Jihoon can't think above his heart hammering. "Dating for real," Soonyoung explains.

Jihoon licks his lips. "Sure... I probably will someday, right? I can't be the only exception in the world."

Soonyoung is quiet again. "I meant me, Jihoon. Have you ever thought of dating me for real?"

Jihoon can't meet his eyes. "Sure, it's crossed my mind a few times... But that wasn't the point for this relationship."

"So what is the point?" Soonyoung asks quietly. Jihoon tries to ignore the hurt he hears in his voice. He's never heard Soonyoung sound like that. It's hard to imagine a boy so bright and cheery like Soonyoung to ever sound like that.

"To get my brother off my back," Jihoon explains simply.

Soonyoung chuckles, albeit bitterly. "I think we've done that successfully."

"You're right. And we're planning to break up soon, we're easing into it."

"Break up..." Soonyoung echoes. "And you really want that?"

Jihoon feels like his brain is going in circles. "Fake dating is fun and all but it's  _fake_  dating, Soonyoung. I'm sure there are many people lining up to date you. I won't keep you away from them."

Soonyoung stares at him for a second before laughing a little helplessly. "You know with all the love songs you've written, you're really much more dense than I expected you to be."

"What do you mean?"

"What if we don't break up?" Soonyoung asks instead of explaining.

"And keep fake dating?"

Soonyoung laughs again, clearly exasperated. "No... What if we date for real?"

Jihoon stares at him, confused. "Why would we do that?

There's a flash of hurt across Soonyoung's eyes but it disappears just as quickly. "I think we're good together Jihoon..."

"It's a fake relationship, Soonyoung," Jihoon feels strange panic surfacing. "There are no expectations, of course it's good. We're just having fun."

"Dating is generally supposed to be fun," Soonyoung defends.

"Where is this even coming from?" Jihoon eyes go up to search Soonyoung's only to find the latter already searching his. Neither able to communicate well enough about this.

"You really never considered it? All the times you've kissed me it's never crossed your mind that you'd want to... I don't know? Keep kissing me as my real boyfriend?"

Jihoon's mouth hangs open as he recalls the times the thought has crossed his mind briefly and how he's tried to suppress it. Now to invite the idea in... it terrifies him.

"There's a reason it's a fake relationship, Soonyoung. It's just a cover. Nothing more," he feels his voice flat and emotionless despite the brewing in his chest.

"Is that really all it is to you?" Soonyoung asks incredulously. "You don't feel anything?"

"Do you?"

"I mean..." He lets out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his fringe and Jihoon ignores the star earring in his ear reflecting the orange porch light above them. "Kind of? I think I do? I can't stop thinking about you and being with you fake or real... I just want to stay with you. Don't you feel the same?"

"I'm having fun sure but–"

"Nothing?" Soonyoung voice can't hide the hurt now and Jihoon feels himself grow strangely frustrated by it.

"Am I supposed to?" He asks a bit harshly. "We had a deal, Soonyoung."

"What deal?" Soonyoung bites back. "You said no touching but take my hand in front of my friends. You said no kissing then you kiss me every time we're alone. You blush every time I so much as look at you. You gave me matching socks last week and kissed me back yesterday when we were talking about dating people we like! What am I supposed to think?!" His voice raises enough for Jihoon to lean back in shock.

"I saw the socks at the store and thought they were cute... I didn't like your friends making fun of you... I was just curious about kissing you... And blushing... You're charming Soonyoung. That doesn't change the fact that our relationship isn't real. I think you're just confused."

"I actually think I'm the only one actually in touch with my feelings here."

"Or maybe your judgement is clouded. Just because we kissed a few times doesn't mean we're suddenly dating for real. Why would you even like me otherwise? You never did before."

"Why?" Soonyoung asks incredulously, definitely mad now. "You're amazing Jihoon. You're smart and witty and fun to be with. You're talented and write the most beautiful and emotional music I've ever heard. You're so pretty, too," he adds turning more shy, the anger dissipating into something softer, more transparent. "And the way you get pink when I compliment you, it's too cute. You're a great kisser, too... Being with you has been the best relationship in my life so far. Romantic or not. I'm not kidding, I know it's barely been a few months but I really feel like it."

Jihoon wants to cry. He can't look at Soonyoung anymore he feels like his ears are ringing and he's all too aware of the Soonyoung's star in his lobe and he doesn't know how to take all of this in.

"When Momo broke up with me," Soonyoung keeps saying, taking a small step towards Jihoon who can't even move. "It's because she said I'm not attentive enough. Because I didn't care enough. I didn't get it then, but I do now because with you... I want to be with you all the time, Jihoon. I skipped three dance practices to record with you. I didn't even care. I just wanted to spend time with you."

"You just wanted to sing," Jihoon corrects weakly. Soonyoung opens his mouth to say something else but Jihoon cuts him off looking up at him. "When did you start liking me?"

Soonyoung sputters, surprised at the question. "I don't know? I just know I do."

Jihoon lets out a breath. "Soonyoung," he says slowly. "Go home. Sleep it off. You're just confused."

"Did you not hear anything I've just said? I like you, Jihoon. I want to really date you. I want us to be together. For real."

"You can't even tell me when you started liking me!" Jihoon is surprised at his own voice rising but Soonyoung replies just as loudly.

"I don't know myself! It just... happened. I woke up one day and just  _knew_. When I drew that little scar on your face, I  _knew_. When I saw Momo talking to you, I  _knew._ When I kissed you for real, I  _knew_. When you told me you liked my voice, I  _knew_. When I bought the earring on you," he says taking hold of Jihoon's ear, fingers soft but voice fire. "I  _knew_."

Jihoon doesn’t reply. He doesn’t know what to say, staring at some unknown spot on Soonyoung’s neck just to avoid his gaze. Soonyoung takes hold of Jihoon’s face trying to get him to look up but Jihoon flinches away and Soonyoung’s hands drop.

He chuckles softly. “I really thought you liked me back,” he says, sounding defeated. “Well, I guess it’s good that our relationship won’t last much longer, right?” Jihoon’s eyes snap up to Soonyoung’s and immediately away when he sees how hurt he looks.

“Soonyoung…”

“You don’t need to say anything, it’s fine,” he brushes it off even though he definitely doesn’t sound fine. They’re quiet for a full minute before Soonyoung lets out a soft sigh. “I should go,” he mutters. “Sorry I made things uncomfortable.”

Jihoon doesn’t reply and Soonyoung waits a minute before he just leaves and it takes Jihoon a few seconds before his body moves on his own to go after him.

“Wait,” he calls out but Soonyoung keeps walking. “Soonyoung!” He calls out again and Soonyoung listens this time stopping in the middle of the walkway, not turning around. “You can’t just leave after you say things like that!” Jihoon feels bad for his voice sounding so accusing but he doesn’t know how else to react. Soonyoung is right. Things will be uncomfortable now. Things were already turning awkward, what are they going to be like now? 

Soonyoung turns around looking at Jihoon over his shoulder. “Don’t worry,” he says with a small smile. “We’ll date another week or so? Then we should probably break up for good.”

Jihoon stares at him open mouthed and speechless. “How am I supposed to act around you knowing you think you like me!” Jihoon says finally and Soonyoung turns around fully.

“ _Think_  I like you?” It’s Soonyoung’s turn to look incredulous. “Am I speaking to a wall? At least respect my feelings!”

“Don’t you get it,” Jihoon says taking a step closer to him. “Your feelings aren’t real!” Soonyoung’s face seems to fall at that.

“You’re being cruel, Jihoon,” Soonyoung says, a tight smile on his lips. “I’ve never once disregarded your feelings past or present, why are you disregarding mine?”

Jihoon can’t say anything to that. “I just can’t believe it.”

“That’s not my problem so don’t take it out on me,” Soonyoung tells him and Jihoon tries to channel all his feelings into his hands squeezing into tight fists by his side.

“I think we should just break up now,” Jihoon says then. “It’ll be easier. Don’t want to bother you with all your feelings for me.”

Soonyoung’s mouth opens but it takes him a few seconds to respond. “That’s not very kind of me to break up with you on your birthday.”

“Why are you the one breaking up with me? I’m breaking up with you. Just say it how it is.”

Soonyoung sighs. “Let’s not do this right now when we’re both too emotional for our good. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, okay? I’ll pick you up in the morning, don’t worry.”

Jihoon stares at him, speechless. Who is this kid? Jihoon is here potentially breaking his heart and he’s telling him he’ll pick him up in the morning. He feels his eyes burn and he looks away from Soonyoung not bearing to see him anymore.

“Goodnight Jihoon,” Soonyoung says finally when neither of them speak and Jihoon doesn’t watch him walk to his car. He doesn’t even flinch when Soonyoung drives away, for once not making sure if Jihoon gets inside the house first.

When the car is gone Jihoon lets out the longest groan, fists squeezing against his eyes. He goes back inside and to his room ignoring his mom eyeing him strangely from her bedroom when he passes her room.

His room is dark and Jihoon ignores how just a few hours ago they were writing a song together and making out on his bed. The flowers Soonyoung gave him last week are still on his desk, but they’re half dead anyway and in the peak of his emotions Jihoon grabs the vase and rushes downstairs to throw them away, pouring the water of the vase into the sink, ignoring how it splashes everywhere.

It’s unfair. He doesn’t know why but it feels unfair. Part of him knows he’s being irrational. He isn’t the one who should be angry, but he is. Not at Soonyoung but more at himself. For kissing Soonyoung in the first place. For causing Soonyoung to be so naive. For the fact that he might actually lose this person he’s grown to care so much about in the last few months.

The realization hits him in the pit of the stomach strong enough that he lets out a little gasp. He doesn’t want to lose him, he realizes, he’s so afraid to lose him. He already lost people important to him he doesn’t want to go through that again.

He heads back upstairs, slowly, defeated. Heartbroken. He thought for once since the relationship isn’t real he won’t lose Soonyoung but somehow he did anyway… When he opens the door to his room and it’s dark inside he doesn’t want to be there. He doesn’t want to be alone.

He hears his mom speaking on the phone from her bedroom and before he has any say his body takes him to her. He doesn’t even knock on her door before walking in and sitting on her bed. His mom keeps talking on the phone but looks at Jihoon with furrowed brows, mouthing, “Are you okay?”

Jihoon doesn’t say anything and his mom says goodbye to whoever she was talking with and hangs up the phone. “Honey,” she says, moving closer to him. “How was your night?” When Jihoon doesn’t answer her voice grows softer. “Is everything alright?”

Jihoon shakes his head once and his mom waits patiently to see if he’ll explain.

“Can I just sit with you for a little?” He asks finally and his mom look surprised for a quick second after which she nods.

“Of course,” she smiles softly, gaze still worried. “As long as you need.” Jihoon swallows and looks at the floor in silence while his mom runs her hand through his hair. “Earring?” She asks after a few seconds and Jihoon feels his chest still.

“Yeah,” his voice is as low as a whisper. “Present from Soonyoung.”

“It’s pretty,” Jihoon can hear the fond smile in her tone but he won’t look up. “He’s a good boy. I can tell he cares a lot about you.” Jihoon knows she means well but the comment sends unpleasant shudders down his spine. “You want to talk about what’s wrong?" 

"How did you and dad meet?" He asks instead of replying and he can feel his mom's hand tense before it resumes its soft motions in his hair.

"You know the story," she says softly and Jihoon feels bad asking because he knows how much it hurts her to speak about him but he feels like he needs to hear it again. "He was our family friends' son, courted me for five years before I finally agreed to go on a date with him..." Then they fell in love. Got married. Had three kids. Lived happily until he passed away four years ago from cancer. They don't talk too much about their dad anymore, it helps that they moved to a new house in a town far away from Busan but his presence still naturally haunts them in good yet painful ways.

"How come you finally went out with him?" Jihoon asks after a quiet pause. 

"He was charming," he can hear the wistfulness in her voice and it feels like he's intruding on her private memories but since it's about his dad he allows himself that. "He was great. You remember dad... Kind, funny, well-mannered, and deadly handsome," she adds with a soft chuckle. "He made sure I knew he was interested in me but our families – your grandparents – their favorite conversations included discussing us two getting married. So I just always excused his feelings as simply the cause of all the pressure around him to be with me until I realized well... Maybe he just liked me." 

It's not the first time he's heard the story and Jihoon closes his eyes tightly, hating how familiar it all sounds like he knew it would. He's not sure why he needed to hear it again.

"I miss him," Jihoon says finally and his mom nods. 

"Me too. Every day."

"Why don't we talk about him?"

"We do."

"Not enough."

"Because it hurts," she says.

"But wouldn't it hurt less if we did?"

His mom doesn't say anything for a minute. "Maybe," she agrees. "What made you bring this up?"

Jihoon stills for a moment. "I think Soonyoung and I are going to break up." He can tell his mom is surprised but she's kind enough not to ask why

"Some relationships don't work out," she tries to comfort him but Jihoon feels his chest drop anyway.

"I don't want to lose him, eomma," he says quietly, too upset to be embarrassed at how weak he sounds. Jihoon isn't an emotional child and he can tell his mom doesn't know how to talk to him when he's like this so she hugs him tighter instead.

"Soonyoung's a good kid," she repeats herself. "He's your friend before anything and it will stay that way. You won't lose him."

Jihoon thinks about Soonyoung earlier telling him, despite Jihoon's mean words, that he'll pick him up for school tomorrow and thinks, for a short moment as he sinks into his mom's touch, that hopefully she's right.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehh.. yeah..... thank you for reading.. this wasn't my proudest chapter so im sorry if u hated it i feel the same sdkfj


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry this took so long but i worked on two other huge oneshots so i hope that is forgiveness enough... i missed this story so bad though i literally wrote this chapter in two days instead of studying for my exam but its okay because us procrastinators always work best under pressure!!!
> 
> happy comeback season btw~~ i hope everyone enjoys this chapter and missed cute teenage snhn as much as i did;-;

Jihoon wakes up two minutes before his alarm and the whole of last night replays painfully in his head. His birthday. The cupcake. The diner. The quiet kisses in his bed. The gift card for a guitar. The surprise party. Friends. Soonyoung. Soonyoung’s present. The star earring. Soonyoung's confession. Their fight. Soonyoung, Soonyoung, Soonyoung.

He rolls over and groans into his pillow. Things were so good a few days ago, now his whole life is filled with dread again and Jihoon is terrified of how everything will to turn out. He picks up his phone and checks the time. If Soonyoung meant what he said, then he'll pick him up in around twenty minutes and Jihoon almost wants to text him to see if he'll really come but initiating a conversation with Soonyoung terrifies him for many reasons. 

He does get ready, though. Even if he's not sure Soonyoung will actually come, even if he knows that if he does it will be horribly awkward, part of him wants to see Soonyoung despite the ugliness that was last night.

When he comes downstairs, his mom is in the kitchen brewing coffee and she smiles softly at him when he comes in for a glass of water.

"How do you feel?" 

"I'm fine," Jihoon mutters and clears his throat. She seems to want to say something else but Jihoon is embarrassed enough as it is and he quickly tells her goodbye and heads outside to the porch to wait for Soonyoung.

It's cold out and Jihoon crosses his arms to save as much warmth as possible and spots the small earring box on the railing where he left it last night. He raises his hand to his ear and finds his lobe empty even though he doesn't remember taking the earring off. It probably fell out while he was sleeping. Jihoon wonders if he should give the earring back and puts the box in his backpack just in case.

At seven forty-five Soonyoung is there. Same time as always. Except he doesn't grin excitedly at him when he parks, instead he takes out his phone to type something. Jihoon almost wants to go back inside, maybe Soonyoung didn't see him. He stands there for a few seconds until Soonyoung raises his head to look at him and Jihoon on auto-pilot, hurries to the car.

"Morning," Soonyoung says simply and Jihoon mumbles something back and that's the only words they exchange for the entire ride. They spend the rest of drive in silence and it's awkward and awful and Jihoon stares pointedly out the window trying not to cry.

They separate as soon as they're in school and don't discuss meeting for lunch or the ride home and Jihoon realizes it's probably best this way. Separate quietly, no need to make any big sensation out of two people breaking up.

 _Breaking up,_ Jihoon groans and ignores the stare Jun gives him in class. Thinking about his and Soonyoung's relationship as "broken up" hurts. It wasn't even a real relationship so why does it feel so shit?

As soon as it's lunch time, Jihoon makes his way to the Music Building to find a free studio room but because it's Friday most of the spaces are full and Jihoon ends up on the bleachers again, eating a cheap sandwich he bought last break so his friends won't try to make him sit with them when they seem him in the cafeteria.

The bleachers are freezing and Jihoon is miserable. He feels like the dumbest fool alive.

 

✉

 

After the horrible day at school is over, he gets Seungcheol and Jeonghan to take him home because another painful car ride with Soonyoung would probably destroy him. He does text Soonyoung about it, though, just to let him know and the one word "Ok" he gets sent back isn't worth the humiliation.

"Is everything okay?" Jeonghan asks halfway home. Jihoon has his earphones on and he's looking dramatically out the window but he still hears him.

"Fine," he says hoping Jeonghan will drop the subject. He notices Jeonghan exchange a look with Seungcheol and tries not to roll his eyes at their couple telepathy.  

"Are you free this weekend? We wanted to go to the shop for your guitar," Seungcheol suggests after they’re done talking with their minds.  

Jihoon looks up at him through the rearview mirror and then back out window. "I'd like that," he admits. At least he has one thing to look forward to among all this mess.

 

✉

 

They go to the guitar shop on Sunday and Jihoon picks out a pretty guitar out built of light wood with white ink designs decorating the outside. It looks like the one his father owned and Jeonghan definitely notices the similarities too, but doesn't say anything save for a soft smile and a hand through Jihoon's hair as they stand the line to pay.

It was a miserable weekend all around so buying this guitar, bringing it home, trying out some chords and even a few original melodies well... It was exactly what Jihoon needed at a time like this

Soonyoung is unsurprisingly silent the whole weekend. The only time Jihoon hears from him is when he texts Sunday night to see if Jihoon needs a ride. Jihoon tells him no thanks. He's pretty sure both of them realize this is it.

 

✉

 

His daily routine turns quickly back to how it used to be before Soonyoung came into his life. Going to school with Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and dropping Chan off at his middle school on the way. Spending lunch in the studio and this time he made sure to reserve a room for the next two weeks so there won’t be any more freezing out on the bleachers. It’s not a bad idea too, he does have projects coming up that he needs to complete for the show and well... Seeing Soonyoung’s friends around school is awkward enough as it is. He tries to remind himself they’re also his friends, but it still doesn't feel right to sit at their table when he and Soonyoung haven’t spoken in a week. 

He has some classes with Jun and Wonwoo and Jun seems too nervous to ask anything but Wonwoo glares at Jihoon every chance he gets. It's not angry glares, but "I need to talk to you" glares and Jihoon is way more terrified of those. The first time he received that ‘glare’ he switched his usual seat to the one at the front of the class where he can easily slip in and out before anyone (Wonwoo) can stop him. He's kind of glad now that he miraculously doesn’t have any classes with Soonyoung. He wouldn't be able to survive those.

The whole week is like that. Running from class to class before anyone can stop him. Locking himself up in the studio with various people he's working with, which is kind of nice. Distracting. A great excuse for why he can't see anyone else when they ask about it in the hallways.

Mingyu and Minghao, although a class under him, seem to be particularly everywhere. At least Minghao is polite about the whole situation, while Mingyu has no shame to ask Jihoon what happened with Soonyoung before he even says hi. Jihoon of course ignores all the questions, but the confrontations don't get more comfortable. 

At home all Jihoon really does is play guitar in his room. He barely eats and his mom on multiple occasions tries to talk to him about that but Jihoon shrugs it off and when on Friday Chan asks when Soonyoung is coming over for dinner all Jihoon can reply is a small, "I don't know". Even Chan's middle school lack of tact can understand what that means.

On Saturday afternoon there's a knock on his door. It’s nearing four and Jihoon is still in his pajamas and unbrushed teeth. 

"Jihoon, sweetheart," it's his mom and Jihoon sits up when she comes in. "Come to the store with me?" She asks sweetly and Jihoon doesn't want to disappoint her so he nods and gets ready to help her with groceries.

They don't really talk during the ride. Jihoon has always been on the quieter side and his mom knows how to give him time to be ready to talk when he needs to. They only speak when they get to the store when she tells him to pick out anything he wants and Jihoon realizes she just wants him to choose some food so he starts eating again.

Jihoon is in the cereal aisle when he hears a familiar voice behind him and almost knocks down the Frosted Flakes.

"Hey," Jihoon turns around to see Wonwoo standing behind him in an employee t-shirt and blinks surprisingly at him. "Long time no see," Wonwoo adds smiling from how freaked out Jihoon looks.

"Hi," Jihoon croaks out finally and turns back around pretending to be occupied with the cereal choices. He quickly takes a box of Cheerios and when he turns around Wonwoo is still there.

"That's Soonyoung's favorite," he points out matter-of-factly and Jihoon shrugs. He doesn't really want to explain to Wonwoo that he had this cereal at Soonyoung's place a few weekends ago and it’s now his favorite too. "How've you been?" Wonwoo asks when Jihoon starts walking down the aisle to pick out some other snacks.

"I'm okay," he’s being very obvious about not wanting to talk but Wonwoo is relentless and picks out a cookie box and hands it over to Jihoon who takes it because chocolate covered and chocolate filled white chocolate chip cookies do sound pretty amazing.

"Soonyoung is miserable, in case you were wondering," Wonwoo tells him, head tilting sideways as if to get a sense of Jihoon's reaction. "Actually we haven't seen much of him either, he's been spending most of his time practicing. It's been weird at lunch without either of you." Jihoon doesn't really know what to say to that so he gives Wonwoo a look that he hopes explains just as much. "I know about your relationship," Wonwoo says then and Jihoon takes a step back. 

"What do you mean?"

"That it's all fake. I know," Wonwoo repeats with an apologetic smile. "Soonyoung's not really good at keeping secrets especially when they start to eat him alive. He really likes you, Jihoon."

"I know he told me," Jihoon whispers trying to figure out if he's mad at Soonyoung for telling Wonwoo or glad that he can talk about this with someone that isn’t Soonyoung.

"You don't like him back?" Wonwoo seems genuinely curious and Jihoon lets out a small groan.

“Wonwoo, seriously, I’m just here to get groceries. Can we not?”

Wonwoo chews on his lip for a second and when he speaks his bottom lip is red. “You know I’m the one who told him to confess? We got you that earring together.”

“It’s not your fault, Wonwoo,” Jihoon says quietly and Wonwoo’s eyes widen.

“That’s not what I mean. I just… I really thought you liked him, too.”

Jihoon feels his chest squeeze as if his heart is pressed flat against his ribcage and he doesn’t know what to say. Wonwoo seems to watch him for another minute before the intercom requests an employee at the cash register and Wonwoo rolls his eyes.

“I got to go but Jihoon… If you need anyone to talk to we’re still friends. Not just me, but all of us,” He puts a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder and squeezes it before he leaves, waving goodbye. “You have my number, yeah?” Jihoon nods weakly and Wonwoo smiles before disappearing around the corner.

Alone, Jihoon stares at this cookie box and squeezes it close the Cheerios box with it. Fuck. He’s really not used to this feeling, is he? To know he has a group of people to fall back on that aren’t his immediate family. Before he can get too sentimental he grabs a few bags of chips and goes to the meat aisle to find his mom. When he finds her, she doesn't seem too happy with his choices but doesn’t comment on them, instead running a soft hand through his fringe when Jihoon stands close.

 

✉

 

Jihoon spends the rest of the weekend doing the same as always – playing guitar and editing some songs with the show coming up in two weeks. There’s a file on his desktop titled Soonyoung and Jihoon thinks painfully that despite this whole mess he really needs to meet with him if they want to finish the song on time. At least Soonyoung has the melody, hopefully he’s practicing with that unless he decided to drop the project entirely.

He should text him, he thinks. He should talk to him. He _wants_ to talk to him. 

Before he can decide he hears a knock and Jeonghan opens the door without waiting for a reply. Typical. Jihoon sighs and dims his screen before swiveling around in his chair to see Jeonghan already sitting casually on his bed, a small apologetic smile on his face.

“Brother,” he says after a quiet pause.

“Hyung,” Jihoon says back and raises his brows pointedly. “What do you want?”

“Now that’s not a very nice way to talk to your _hyung_ is it?”

“Well it’s not very nice to just walk into my room without permission, is it _hyung_?”

Jeonghan’s smile widens. “You’re a little sassy when you’re in a bad mood aren’t you?”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine. I think you should talk about it.”

“Jeonghan, seriously. I’m okay.”

“You haven’t come out of your room other than for dinner and to use the bathroom. I heard you making ramyeon at three am last night too, that’s not very healthy.”

“I’ve always been like this.”

“Except when you dated Soonyoung.”

Jihoon just wants this to end. “Sure.” Jeonghan tilts his head and doesn’t say anything as if waiting for Jihoon to be the one to speak first. “What am I? Your mental case? Leave me alone, Jeonghan, I’m _fine_.”

“You’re awfully snippy for someone who’s fine.” Jihoon’s fist close and open over his thighs and Jeonghan seems to notice it because his expression softens. “Who broke up with who?”

“I did,” Jihoon says quietly not meeting his eyes.

“Why?”

“I don’t know? It didn’t feel right anymore.” 

“You seem miserable though. So does Soonyoung, everyone at school has noticed.”

“What do you want me to say?” Jihoon still won’t meet his eyes but Jeonghan’s voice is soft and it’s always been easy to talk to him when he’s like this.

“I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me. You’re both too miserable.”

“I might not be a relationship expert but break ups aren’t supposed to be fun.”

“Yeah but you two were lovey dovey just last week. This doesn’t make sense.”

“You only had one happy relationship, Jeonghan,” Jihoon snaps. “What do you know?”

Jeonghan purses his lips for a second. “I think maybe I was right all along. That this was some fake ordeal you organized after my… Less than proud actions. Then you realized that you two actually like each other and now you’re doing this weird pull and tug game leaving both of you miserable until you finally decide that maybe you two are actually pretty good together.” Jihoon’s jaw drops and he hopes his shock isn’t too obvious even though Jeonghan is smiling at him a little knowingly. “You know I’m never wrong.” 

Jihoon’s mouth closes and he really, _really_ wants to throw something at him. The closest thing to him is his guitar but he’s not about to sacrifice his most prized possession. “I’m not confirming anything, _hyung_ ,” he says firmly despite feeling his entire face burning. “I don’t know what you’re trying to prove here but Soonyoung and I… We had a good relationship and we’re just both sad it couldn’t work out,” his voice is so strained as he speaks. It’s almost painful and Jeonghan sighs, getting up.

“Okay,” he says finally. “I won’t push it anymore for now,” he walks to the door and stops before leaving the room to look at Jihoon over his shoulder. “You can talk to me, you know? And if not me… You should talk to someone.” Jihoon looks away from him and down to his fingers squeezing his knees and doesn’t look up even as he hears the door close after he's gone.

It takes him a few minutes to calm down before he takes out his phone and texts Wonwoo who replies almost immediately.

 

Wonwoo [18:32]: just finished my shift whats up

Jihoon [18:32]: do you know if soonyoung is still working on the song for the showcase

Wonwoo [18:33]: I think he has some instrumental.. we don’t really talk about dance stuff you can ask minghao though

Jihoon [18:34]: I want to text him about working on it together

Jihoon [18:34]: I guess I just need a confidence boost..

Wonwoo [18:35]: you don’t need a confidence boost :) all he wants right now is to hear from you, trust me

 

Jihoon lets out a shuddered breath as his chest flutters. He closes the chat and opens the one with Soonyoung and stares at the awkwardness that was their last interaction. Finally, he types a short sentence and throws his phone aside as soon as it’s sent.

 

Jihoon [18:38]: hi, let me know if u need to work on your song this week.

 

How humiliating. What if Soonyoung doesn’t reply? What if he’ll just ignore him and Jihoon comes to school on Monday with everyone talking about how he desperately texted Soonyoung even though he’s the one who broke up with him. What if they just keep not talking and Soonyoung performs with a totally different song written by someone else. What if all of this is a prank… Wonwoo and Soonyoung teaming up together to laugh at poor Jihoon with his big fat cru– 

His phone beeps and Jihoon is lunging at it where he threw it on his mattress to check the notification.

 

Wonwoo [18:40]: let me know how it goes!

 

Jihoon smashes his face into the pillow and groans.

 

✉

 

The next morning is even more miserable than the entirety of last week combined. Jihoon won’t pretend he didn’t stay up all night looking up ways to hack other people’s phones so he can delete the text he sent. There's no point of hiding it too, especially with how dark his under eyes are. It's been fifteen hours since he has pressed sent and Soonyoung still hasn't replied and Jihoon has never felt more embarrassed in his life.

On their way to Seungcheol’s car Jeonghan claps him on the shoulder. “Talk to someone, Jihoon. You look like hell." Jihoon can only pull a face at his retreating back, too tired to say anything else, thinking how the only thing that can redeem today is the forty minutes of studio time he'll have at lunch.

When they arrive at school he hears Jeonghan snicker and looks up to see Soonyoung waiting nervously by the spot Seungcheol usually parks at. Seungcheol looks back at Jihoon first and Jihoon sinks down in his seat.

“Just leave me here,” he begs. 

“Don’t be shy,” Jeonghan teases and Jihoon presses his forehead against the door and lets out a loud whine.

“Seungcheol, please,” he asks looking at him but Seungcheol is already having his telepathic voodoo conversation with Jeonghan again and Jihoon knows he has already lost. “Fine,” Jihoon sits up grabbing the door handle. “But if I die of humiliation, it’s _your_ fault.” He gets out, ignoring Jeonghan’s snickering, and watches Soonyoung straighten out when he sees him. 

He doesn’t say anything and neither does Jihoon and they just stare at each other for a long moment until Jeonghan and Seungcheol walk out of the car and both stare at the ground instead while their hyungs snort at their awkwardness. 

“Good morning Soonyoung,” Jeonghan says politely and Soonyoung tries a smile but it’s tense and his ears are blazing red that it makes the entire situation less than casual.

“Have a good day, you two!” Seungcheol tells them, throwing an arm over Jeonghan’s shoulders as they walk off to class leaving Jihoon alone with his ex… Friend? Boyfriend? Whoever he is to him now.

Slowly, Jihoon puts on his backpack properly and the motion makes Soonyoung look up from the ground at him and he gives Jihoon a small tense smile too, but this one softer.

“Hey,” he says awkwardly and Jihoon comes over slowly.

“Hi.” They’re both quiet for a moment before they open their mouths at the same time. And close them. And open again. And then Soonyoung is laughing and it’s a little bit of a shy laugh and not in its usual loudness but Jihoon still needs take in a deep breath to keep steady because he didn’t realize just how much, even after one week, he’s missed its sound.

“Sorry I didn’t answer your text,” Soonyoung says first. “I had an accident with my phone.” Jihoon raises his brow, confused and Soonyoung blushes. “It kind of fell in the toilet…” 

“Oh,” Jihoon replies dumbly. So he was worried for no reason.

“Yeah, I saw your text and freaked out,” he explains, chuckling nervously and Jihoon feels himself flush. 

“Oh,” he says again and Soonyoung shrugs shyly.

“Anyway,” he clears his throat. “If I remember correctly you texted me about working on the song, right?”

“Yeah."

“Great! I’ve been practicing with the instrumentals for my dance but I’d still really like to record my voice for it…” When Jihoon nods, he keeps talking. “I can’t today, but maybe tomorrow?” Jihoon just nods again. “I can’t after school so… Lunch?”

“Okay,” Jihoon croaks out finally.

“Same studio as always, right?”

“Yep.” Soonyoung’s face brightens with his smile and Jihoon looks away.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he says, already walking backwards towards the school. “Probably won’t have my phone till later this week, but I promise I’ll be there!” He waves bye and runs off and Jihoon's hands squeeze his backpack straps tightly to keep himself together.

_What the hell just happened?_

 

✉

 

After their short conversation, Jihoon starts seeing Soonyoung everywhere. It’s as if he wasn’t at school last week because every corner he turns, Soonyoung is there. Jihoon thinks it’s like some sort of massive Soonyoung invasion in his mind and in reality and Hansol comments on his distractedness during their session too and Jihoon can’t say anything to that other than picture Soonyoung’s smiling face when he closes his eyes to sigh in frustration. 

The most annoying thing is… Jihoon missed him so much he doesn’t even mind it. He even smiles back a few times before going in the opposite direction feeling heat spread underneath his sweater.

When it’s finally Tuesday's class before lunchtime, Jihoon sits jittery in his new spot by the door and when Wonwoo walks into class, he tells him to fun today. Jihoon swallows, he should’ve known Soonyoung would tell Wonwoo about it but it still makes him nervous to think about what kinds of things they discuss about him. As soon class is over, he’s out the door and making his way to the studio ignoring how excited he is to see Soonyoung. 

He takes the staircase and skips every other step and by the time he’s at his floor he’s breathing heavily and stops when he sees Soonyoung standing by his studio door, one foot on the wall behind him.

“Jihoon!” He says and there it is. His smile. Jihoon pretends to be preoccupied with taking out his studio key just so he won't keep staring. While he unlocks the door, Soonyoung leans close, still smiling. “Are you actually going to say more than one word this time or will I have to do all the talking again?” 

Jihoon ducks his head to hide his blush, wordlessly opening the studio door, and Soonyoung turns on the light for him. When they’re inside sitting side by side, Jihoon searches for the file on his computer while Soonyoung bites on his thumbnail and Jihoon wants to tell him to stop but thinks that’s not really his place anymore. Or was it ever really?

“I’m fine, you know,” Soonyoung says finally. “You don’t need to worry.”

“I didn’t say I was worried,” Jihoon says a little sharply but he’s mostly annoyed at Soonyoung pretending to be okay when there’s Wonwoo, his mom, and the entirety of his school reporting to him otherwise.

“Okay well you look tense." If Soonyoung was hurt by his tone he doesn’t show it. “If it’s because of that, you don’t need to be.”

“How can I not?” Jihoon admits carefully. “But,” he takes a breath and shakes his head as Soonyoung’s file loads. “We need to focus on this,” he says instead of what he really wants to and Soonyoung looks at him for a long moment before he focuses on the screen as well and they start working on the song. 

They do record a bit but Soonyoung hasn’t sung in a week and he’s not used to it enough to go through the whole song so they decide to meet again on Thursday. Working on a song together, it’s distracting and it’s fun and Jihoon is once again reminded just how well they work with each other. Soonyoung takes every suggestion Jihoon gives easily but doesn’t shy away from his own demands for his song. He even wants to add some growl noise and Jihoon couldn’t help but laugh at that and tries not to think too much about how Soonyoung’s face lit up when he did.

“Thank you so much,” Soonyoung says when they listen to his parts. “I love it, seriously,” he’s bouncing in his seat and makes Jihoon start the song over again. 

“Okay, one last time though,” Jihoon drags the player to the beginning. “We still have class after lunch.”

“Right, what time is it anyway?” Before Jihoon can stop him Soonyoung presses Jihoon’s home button to check the time and they both freeze when Jihoon’s lock screen lights up. It’s still that selfie Soonyoung took that first day they started “dating” and Jihoon is still staring at his phone in horror when Soonyoung looks up at him.

“Oh-ho?” He says cheekily and Jihoon grabs his phone.

“Shut up,” Jihoon warns him. “I keep forgetting to change it…” He mutters but he’s so embarrassed he feels his eyes burn. Soonyoung is really fucking bad for his heart.

“Whatever you say,” Soonyoung tells him softly and when Jihoon glances at him he sees him blushing, too. “I didn’t change my background either, just so you know,” he admits. “Well. I don’t have my phone anymore but if I did the lock screen would still be you.”

Jihoon stares at him for a long moment before he looks back down at his phone and locks it without changing anything. He feels happy, hearing that, he thinks he knows why but he’s scared to admit it to himself especially when Soonyoung is looking at him with stars in his eyes.

“Did you keep the earring too?” He asks quietly and Jihoon remembers finding it in his bed the day after his birthday and putting it in his bedside table so he won’t lose it and slowly nods. Soonyoung’s smile widens at that and his hands squeeze into fists as if to keep them at bay, and Jihoon finds himself wishing that they'd reach for him instead.  

“Regardless of what happened that night,” Soonyoung starts and Jihoon feels idiotically mute again. “I miss you a lot.”

“Yeah,” Jihoon says finally, ignoring how close yet so far Soonyoung feels. “Me too.”

 

✉

 

The short conversation is enough to bring some familiarity back into their friendship. Soonyoung gives him his temporary number and they even start texting again, little things here and there but the somersaults Jihoon’s heart does whenever a text from Soonyoung arrives makes every little word he sends feel like the center of his universe.

 

Tuesday:  
Soonyoung [16:26]: hey its soonyoung’s temp numbaaa :D

Soonyoung [16:32]: practiced w ur song earlier and ppl are loving ittt I CANT WAIT FOR THE SHOW i owe u my life

Jihoon [17:31]: hi, im glad. and it’s your song if anything…

Soonyoung [17:32]: OUR SONG!!! :D

  

Wednesday:

Soonyoung [08:01]: btw I promised ifu and I start speaking again ull talk to jun again ahahah so PLEASE

Jihoon [08:59]: -_-

Soonyoung [09:34]: if I have strawberry milk now.. will my voice still be bad for the recording tomorrow???

Jihoon [09:34]: ahaha its fine as long as it’s not 24 hours before

Soonyoung [14:06]: thank u for stopping by at lunch.. everyone was really glad to see youT_T

Soonyoung [19:32]: i told my mom I wont have her cheesecake for desert because of the recording tomorrow THAT’S HOW SERIOUSLY IM TAKING THIS

Jihoon [19:40]: heh.. fighting~

 

Thursday:

Soonyoung [9:45]: haven’t had any dairy just like u suggested!! cant wait for our sesh today hehhheh

 

Jihoon is on his way to his second class of his day when he gets the texts and when he walks in he decides to sit in the spot next to Wonwoo instead of the front of the class this time, feeling more confident.

When Wonwoo walks in a few minutes later he almost stops in his track but smiles making his way over to Jihoon.

“Jeez, finally,” he says sitting down. “It's so lonely to sit by myself back here.”

“Sorry,” Jihoon says, smiling back with newfound ease.

“You’re gonna start sitting next to Jun, too?”

“I kind of like how intimidated he seems of me,” Jihoon smirks. “Might wait it out a bit.”

Wonwoo laughs at that and claps him on the back in a friendly gesture. “I’m glad you and Soonyoung are talking again,” he tells him and Jihoon was ready for this conversation to happen so he takes it somewhat well.

“Me too,” he admits.

“I know you don’t like hearing all this sentimental crap,” Wonwoo leans his elbow on the table and places his chin cheekily in his hand. “But Soonyoung has been like a totally different person this week.”

“That’s great,” Jihoon swallows pretending to be preoccupied with taking out his stuff.

“Actually, he’s been looking _too_ happy,” Wonwoo keeps talking clearly not getting the message that Jihoon is regretting his entire life by choosing to sit next to him. “Don’t tell me you’re secretly making out again...”

“We’re just friends!” Jihoon hisses at him and Wonwoo grins.

“Weren’t you just friends before too?” He asks and Jihoon doesn’t have time to respond before their teacher arrives and class starts.

Jihoon spends the period staring at the board without writing anything down and thinking instead that he wouldn’t mind if his friendship with Soonyoung went back to how it used to be..

The thought alone startles him. He wanted to keep Soonyoung as a friend and it’s nice that they’re talking again but Jihoon can’t help but feel like something huge is missing in his life. It feels unfair to think of just the kisses as something he misses too… Maybe it was the whole feeling of it. Having someone, that in a sense, is yours and that you’re unconditionally his.

He feels Wonwoo glance at him a few times during class and doesn’t meet his eyes. He just wants to see Soonyoung again.

As soon as class is over he waves at Wonwoo and heads over to his studio where Soonyoung is already waiting for him. He still has that last century phone in his hand and Jihoon has his own phone stored securely in his backpack so Soonyoung won’t accidentally see his lock screen again. He still hasn’t changed it. He keeps forgetting to. Or at least that’s what he'll tell Soonyoung in case he sees it again.

“Hi!” Soonyoung is grinning as soon as Jihoon comes near and Jihoon smiles back. 

“Dairy-free?”

“For twenty-seven hours now,” Soonyoung says importantly as he follows Jihoon inside turning on the light for him again. Jihoon doesn’t know why that little gesture alone makes him so happy. As soon as the door is closed behind him he belts out a note and Jihoon ducks from the noise.

“What the hell, Soonyoung?!”

“How do I sound? Mucus free?” He’s grinning when Jihoon looks over at him and Jihoon can only shake his head and send him inside the soundproof room.

Soonyoung is making more mistakes than usual today and Jihoon watches the clock on his desktop. They haven't even fully recorded two versus and it's almost the end of their time. At least they did the chorus on Tuesday.

“Is everything okay?” Jihoon asks through the intercom after he pauses their recording.

Soonyoung blinks innocently. “Yeah, why?”

“I don’t have time other than today to work on the song, you know?”

“Not even after school?” Jihoon chews on his lip.

“Maybe only tomorrow….”

“I’m free tomorrow!” Soonyoung says quickly and Jihoon’s eyes narrow.

“You’re not fucking up on purpose are you?” Soonyoung only smiles and Jihoon sighs. “Soonyoung, if you want to hang out just say so. You don’t need to pretend to be shitty at recording, that kind of pisses me off you know? I quite enjoy working with you _because_ you're a hard worker.”

Soonyoung flushes in embarrassment and it’s no surprise that he finishes recording his second verse without any trouble.

“We’ll meet tomorrow for the last verse and all the extra sounds,” Jihoon tells him as he moves around things on his software and Soonyoung watches the screen intently, following his every move. He’s way too close, too, Jihoon’s scared if he turns to look at him his nose will brush against his cheek and his heart beats quickly in his chest at the thought.

When Jihoon presses save and closes the window Soonyoung leans away. Thank god.

“Incredible,” he says with an impressed nod. “You learned all this in just two years.”

“And some." 

“Still…” When he doesn’t keep talking Jihoon turns to look at him. “You ever consider going back to dancing?” He asks and Jihoon shrugs.

“Sometimes.”

“I’d love to make a duet with you some day,” Soonyoung says a little wishfully. “Like a song and dance combo! It would be awesome!”

Jihoon smiles. “Sure, maybe for the end of the year?

Soonyoung’s eyes light up and he nods enthusiastically. “Please!” They both smile at each other before there’s some noise outside the studio and Jihoon clears his throat.

“We should go back to class,” he says and Soonyoung agrees getting up and grabbing his backpack.

“Tomorrow at three thirty then?” He checks and Jihoon nods.

“I need to be home by dinner, though.”

“Of course, I’ll take you home. If that’s alright?”

“Definitely.”

Soonyoung opens the door and lets Jihoon walk out first and turns off the light behind him when he goes out. He waits by his side while Jihoon locks the door and usually they split here but today Soonyoung offers to take him to class.

“I think I can make it by myself,” he laughs nervously. “Thanks.”

“On Thursdays my class is on the same floor as yours. It’s on the way anyway,” Soonyoung points out and Jihoon licks his lips, nodding okay.

They walk quietly. Soonyoung tries to fill in the silence by talking about what his friends are doing for their own recitals and Jihoon presses his hands into his pockets because it’s cold and because he’s afraid he’ll grab Soonyoung’s without thinking.

What a needy brat, he thinks bitterly about himself. He got Soonyoung back, so why is none of this enough? He thinks maybe it's because of that underlying awkwardness of Soonyoung’s confession and the fact that he can’t stop smiling at Jihoon like some lovesick fool and Jihoon can’t focus on Soonyoung’s words anymore when he thinks that, shit, maybe he’s a lovesick fool too. 

“Jihoon?” Soonyoung asks when they’re standing outside of his class and Jihoon looks up at him not even realizing how they got there. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” He asks and Jihoon thinks this is the moment Soonyoung will place a hand on his cheek and lean close to kiss him. At least he used to. Jihoon feels like a spoiled brat when he can hear his inner voice beg, _Can he please do it again?_

“Tomorrow three thirty,” Jihoon confirms and Soonyoung smiles as he walks down the hallway to his own class and Jihoon realizes just in how much trouble he got himself in.

 

✉

 

That night at dinner Jihoon’s mom asks him if he’s talking to Soonyoung again.

“Why?” He asks carefully and everyone at the table freezes to hear every word of their conversation. Especially Chan.

“Well…” His mom looks around the table. “I’ve been talking to his mom recently and she’s noticed he’s been much more cheerful this week, he even asked her to make red velvet cupcakes for tomorrow. Last time he asked for those were for your birthday.”

Jihoon stares down at his place and hopes stuffing his mouth with mashed potatoes will keep the blush away. “We’re talking,” he says, voice muffled and his mom smiles happily. So does Jeonghan.

“What?!” Chan’s voice is loud and Jihoon almost chokes on his bite. “Meanwhile I’m here politely waiting for both of you to start talking again so I can practice with him! And you don’t say anything?!”

“Chan please…” His mom tries but Chan is already crossing his arms puffing his cheeks slightly and Jihoon looks apologetically at him as he swallows his bite.

“He’s really busy, he has that recital next week. Also his phone broke so I’m sure he’ll text you once everything has settled down,” Jihoon tells him and Chan narrows his eyes for a second before he shrugs and goes back to eating and Jihoon sighs. Crisis averted.

“There have been rumors that you too have been locking up in the studio again,” Jeonghan says then and Jihoon looks over at him, this time definitely blushing.

“We’re just working on his song!”

“Boys please,” their mom tries but they don’t listen.

“That’s what all teens say,” Jeonghan points out. “Everyone will be happy to hear two are back together no need to be embarrassed.”

“But we’re not!”

“Uh-huh,” Jeonghan is smirking and Jihoon has the urge to throw his whole steak at his face.

“I knew you wanted to keep him all to yourself!” Chan accuses loudly and Jihoon look over at him, confused.

“Huh?”

“Just tell me you told him not to contact me!”

“Chan, what the fuck?”

“Language!” Their mom pipes up but the boys are too far gone arguing with each other.

“Jihoon has always been a possessive little one,” Jeonghan teases and Jihoon hands squeeze onto fists by his plate.

“Like you’re one to talk about being possessive! Mister lets prove to the entire school only I’m allowed to fuck Choi Seungcheol.”

Jeonghan shrugs while Chan covers his ears and makes a disgusted face. “I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be proud about what you have. Don’t pretend like you didn’t like showing off Kwon Soonyoung at your arm.”

“That’s not why I like him!” Jihoon yells and it’s quiet at the dining table before Jihoon realizes what he said. He hears Jeonghan snicker but he can’t look up from where his eyes seem stuck on Jeonghan’s plate. _Like him as a friend,_ he tells himself but the words seem emptier and emptier as these days go by and the desire for what he used to have with Soonyoung grows steadily in the center of heart.

“I think our dear Jihoonie just had an epiphany,” Jeonghan’s soft voice fills the dining room and Chan scoffs.

“What epiphany? That he’s a possessive asshole?”

“Lee Chan!” Their mom’s voice is furious. “You will watch your language in my house! And you will all stop yelling at each other, immediately!” She adds and the three boys nod in unison after which she sighs. “Chan, Soonyoung is a busy boy with his own projects he’ll text you when he’s ready. Jeonghan, stop tormenting your brother I think we all know you’ve done enough of that in the last few months and Jihoon… If you like Soonyoung don’t let any other fears stand in the way of that.”

Jihoon feels utterly exposed and he can only nod fearing that if he’ll look up he might really start crying and he’s been doing way too much of that lately.

The rest of dinner is quiet and awkward and Jihoon almost thinks he’ll cry anyway when he gets to his room but when he's upstairs checking his phone there’s a text from Soonyoung and Jihoon thinks, squeezing his phone close, that this feeling of liking someone really is terrifying but maybe if it’s Soonyoung it won’t have to be bad.

 

Soonyoung [20:03]: i have a surprise for you tomorrow~ sleep well<3

 

✉

 

Jihoon’s late to school on Friday and decides to have a little fun by sitting down next to Jun who can’t say anything other than blink in horror at him. Jihoon simply smiles at him and takes out his notebook trying not to snicker at how tense Jun remains for the rest of the period.

“You’re in an awfully good mood,” Jun tells him as soon as the bell rings. “Another date with Soonyoung?” Jihoon knew this was coming so he simply smiles mysteriously as he packs his stuff. “Okay you can’t ignore me for two weeks and then pretend like everything is fine!”

“I wasn’t ignoring you,” Jihoon says, thinking he was ignoring something else entirely. “I was just embarrassed.”

“About what?” Jun sounds genuinely confused and Jihoon shrugs.

“That I broke up with Soonyoung… I thought everyone would hate me,” he admits and Jun frowns.

“Break ups are hard, but nobody has a right to interfere with your relationship. I’m sure both of you had a mature conversation about it all.” Jihoon tries not to wince at that. He wouldn’t call their break up that. “Plus we’re all kind of convinced you’ll get back together anyway,” _that_ makes Jihoon blush and he turns around to walk out of class without another word. “Wait, Jihoon!” Jun catches up quickly, throwing an arm over his shoulders. “I’m just kidding, I really missed your tiny ass,” he presses him close and Jihoon tries to pull away.

“Maybe I’ll change my mind if you keep calling me that,” he grumbles and Jun laughs pulling his arm off.

“Soonyoung showed us some of the song, by the way. It sounds awesome!”

“Thanks,” Jihoon says and means it.

“Maybe next semester I’ll also ask you to compose for me,” Jun means that as a tease but Jihoon never minds helping out his friends with compositions.

“It’ll be my pleasure,” he tells him and Jun blinks at him for a short second after which he breaks out into a huge smile.

“I really did miss you, Jihoon.”

“Thanks,” Jihoon says but he knows the top of his cheeks are reddening and he hopes Jun understands that in Jihoon-language that means _me too_.

 

✉

 

After his last class is done, Jihoon walks out to find Soonyoung already waiting for him in the hallway. 

“Sorry, I had class nearby,” he explains quickly but Jihoon simply smiles as he starts walking in the direction of the studio and Soonyoung follows eagerly. “How was your day?” He asks as they walk outside and Jihoon hides his chin in his coat from the incoming wind. Soonyoung seems to notice that because suddenly there’s something fluffy and blue being wrapped around him and Jihoon looks up at Soonyoung confused.

“It’s fine,” he points at his turtleneck. “I’m well protected.” Jihoon nods, looking away without saying a word. The scarf smells like Soonyoung. There’s no particular smell he can really associate it with, but it smells like anime nights and secret kisses in his bedroom and Jihoon wonders if Soonyoung will notice if he keeps this scarf forever.

“My day was okay,” he mutters, lips brushing against the soft fabric. “Spoke to Jun finally,” he snickers. “Had my calculus test too.”

“Oh right, Wonwoo told me about that. How did it go?”

Jihoon shrugs. He studied. He took it. Nothing else he can do now other than wait. “Hopefully, okay,” he says simply and Soonyoung opens the door for him when they reach the Music Building.

“All my tests are next week, such a pain considering so is the recital. At least there's vacation is the week after,” he says and Jihoon nods, agreeing. “What are you doing for winter break?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “Maybe I’ll write some music…”

“Did you get the guitar?” Soonyoung asks and Jihoon is flattered he remembers.

“Yeah,” he says as they take the stairs up. “It’s been pretty fun actually, playing around with it.”

“I’ll look forward to more Woozi songs then,” Soonyoung grins and Jihoon thinks offhandedly he wants to write a song about it and then realizes in a way he already has.

“What about you?”

“Might go up to Seoul to visit my sister,” he leans on the wall by the studio door while Jihoon unlocks it. “Do you ever go to Busan?”

Jihoon almost freezes but unlocks the door smoothly before going inside, letting Soonyoung turn on the light as he's done the past few times.

“Not often,” Jihoon says quietly and they throw their backpacks in the corner of the room.

“Don’t your grandparents live there?” Soonyoung asks, sounding more careful clearly realizing he’s treading in more dangerous, private waters.

“Yeah, my dad’s parents. My mom’s parents live near here actually,” Jihoon senses his voice growing more quiet and he knows what question is coming next.

“May I ask…” Soonyoung starts slowly and Jihoon won’t meet his eyes as he sets up the music software he needs on the computer. Soonyoung has stopped talking and Jihoon realizes he’s waiting for permission.

“Go ahead,” he says looking up at where Soonyoung is standing by the door to the soundproof room and waits patiently for the question.

“Your dad…” Soonyoung starts tentatively, then stops. Jihoon sighs, nobody ever knows how to ask these questions.

“He passed away a few years ago. Four years ago,” he corrects himself.

“Oh,” Soonyoung says, looking down at the floor. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Jihoon deadpans and it’s not the right thing to say because when Soonyoung’s eyes meet his he looks almost afraid.

“I know, I just...” He clears his throat and opens the door. “I just hope you know you can talk to me about anything, if you need. Friends, right?” He says before going inside and Jihoon takes the moment to let out a long breath as Soonyoung’s words from the other night echo in his mind, “ _Is that really all we are?_ ”

Despite the tenseness of their conversation, the recording goes by smoothly, as it always does. Soonyoung doesn’t have time to pretend he doesn’t know what he’s doing, considering the show is next week and by five they’re completely done with the song.

“It sounds amazing,” Soonyoung says excitedly and Jihoon agrees. It’s loud, sharp, full of energy, and there’s that growling noise Soonyoung insisted on that makes the whole arrangement even more intense and Jihoon kind of really loves it.

“You should be proud of yourself,” Jihoon really means it too. “It’s a pretty good song for a first timer.”

Soonyoung blinks at him and the huge smile his face melts into is almost in slow motion. “I hope we work together again soon.”

“We have another year and a half,” Jihoon says. “Might even dance again, who knows?”

Soonyoung’s eyes light up at that. “Please! We need to!” Jihoon smiles shyly and simply nods and Soonyoung clearly takes that as a good sign from how he claps enthusiastically. “Dude! I’m so excited, I’ve always wanted to do proper duet choreography!”

“You haven’t?”

“Jun always pairs with Minghao and I don’t know… I’ve paired for productions before but not with original choreo so… It’s something I really want to do, to be honest.”

“I haven’t danced in years, Soonyoung,” Jihoon reminds him.

“I know! But we’ve danced before, and it was great… Right?” Jihoon nods tentatively. “I’ve always wanted to come back to that feeling… Dancing with you especially now that I-“ He cuts himself off and it takes a moment for his face to return to its usual smiling brightness while Jihoon preoccupies himself with closing all the applications so they can head home. 

 _Especially now_ , Jihoon thinks trying not to blush like the constant flushing fool he is, while Soonyoung turns around to put on his jacket and zip his bag. 

“Okay done,” Jihoon says quickly when Soonyoung turns around as if getting ready to say something but he closes his mouth instead. “Let’s see how you do with this song and then we’ll talk about a proper collaboration, okay?”

Soonyoung purses his lips and nods. Jihoon looks down and notices there's a pastry box in his hand and he remembers what his mom said last night.

"This is for you!" Soonyoung says loudly, handing the box over. "As a thank you," he adds and Jihoon can't help but smile when he takes the box.

"Red velvet?" He asks and Soonyoung's eyes widen.

"How did you know?"

"Your mom told my mom," Jihoon opens the box to look inside. There are little star shaped candies drizzled over the white icing. It's so pretty and so Soonyoung, it kind of makes Jihoon want to cry. "Thank you," he says and when he looks up Soonyoung is blushing.

"No, no, thank _you_ ," Soonyoung says pointedly and Jihoon simply smiles, knowing they can go back and forth like this forever. He places the box down carefully as he puts on his backpack and unconsciously fixes the scarf still around his neck and his fingers still in the fabric.

“Oh, your scarf,” he starts to take it off but Soonyoung places a careful hand on his forearm to stop him.

“It’s fine,” he smiles and zips up his jacket all the way to his chin. “See? I don’t really need it, keep it for now.”

Jihoon blinks at him dumbly but mutters a thank you instead of disagreeing. The scarf really is soft and even after a few hours it still smells like Soonyoung.

The ride home is quiet. They switch channels on the radio to fill the silence and Jihoon stares at the box on his lap, still thinking of Soonyoung's slip up from earlier.

“Sorry, I mentioned your dad,” Soonyoung says suddenly, when they’re almost halfway to Jihoon’s house. Jihoon looks over at him, surprised, he didn’t expect them to go back to this conversation. 

“It’s fine, really,” he assures him. “I don’t mind talking about him, I don’t do it enough anyway.”

“How did he pass away?”

“Cancer,” Jihoon explains curtly. “Actually that’s the one part I don’t really want to talk about…” 

Soonyoung nods, understanding. “Do you want to tell me a little about him?” He tries instead and Jihoon takes in a long breath, looking out the window.

“He was a musician … Professional pianist and actually he’s the one who taught me how to play piano as a kid so I’ve always been partial to playing and creating music,” the memories flood him in more color than he expected them to. He really hasn’t spoken about his dad in a long time. “He used to make the best jajangmyun ever, my mom has tried to make since but... It’s not the same.”

Soonyoung is quiet, clearly careful about what to say next but Jihoon enjoys the silence. It’s a good balance to the loudness with which his memories replay in his mind. 

“He was a good dad,” Jihoon adds finally. “I miss him a lot.” He feels Soonyoung glancing at him and turns his head to show him a small reassuring smile. “I’m not crying,” he assures him. “It’s nice to talk about my dad with someone other than family. It hurts less,” he realizes it’s true as he says it and sighs, sinking into his seat a little. “Can I be honest about something?” He asks then and Soonyoung looks over at him briefly before focusing back on the road.

“Always.”

That makes Jihoon smile. “On my birthday… When we had that fight…” He starts and watches Soonyoung’s fingers tense on the wheel. “When my dad got sick I knew there was nothing I could do but I promised myself I wouldn’t let myself lose anyone else…” He pauses, not really sure where he’s going with this. Comparing his father’s death and a break up with a two-month fake boyfriend isn’t the same, he knows that. But the loss, the loss of anything is so scary to Jihoon, he wants Soonyoung to understand that. For whatever reason. “I really thought I lost you.”

Soonyoung is quiet as he parks outside Jihoon’s house. “I’m still here, though, aren’t I?” He says looking at Jihoon and Jihoon can’t meet his eyes but nods once.

It’s weird to be honest with a person that is someone between a friend and a lover, a friend and a best friend, a friend and a partner. Jihoon can’t think of anyone else he’d trust with a conversation like this, but with Soonyoung anything feels right.

“I’m sorry, this is a heavy topic,” he says, straightening out. 

“It’s okay, I’m the one who asked.” He’s not wrong but Jihoon still feels like he didn’t have to go that far with the emotional stuff. Jihoon meets his eyes finally and Soonyoung’s own haze falls down to his lap.

“You do realize I promised what I said,” he says carefully. “I’m still your friend, Jihoon,” he says meeting Jihoon’s eyes again. “My feelings… I can’t hold you accountable to how you feel. I still want to be there for you, in whatever way I can.”

The mention of Soonyoung’s feeling sparks something loud in Jihoon’s chest.

“Do you still?”

“Do I what?”

“Do you still like me?” Jihoon asks and Soonyoung’s eyes widen. Before he can answer he gets distracted by something behind Jihoon and Jihoon turns around to see what he’s looking at. Or who he’s looking. _Great_.

Chan is running up to Soonyoung’s car and all the way to driver’s window and Soonyoung, like the good _hyung_ he is, unrolls the window to tell him hello.

“Soonyoung-hyung!” Chan cheers excitedly.

“Chan, get off the road!” Jihoon warns him but Chan doesn’t care about anything in the world right now, clearly, other than Soonyoung five centimeters away from his face.

“How’ve you been, Chan?” Soonyoung grins and Chan smiles back and Jihoon thinks, a little bitterly, he’s never seen his brother smile so happily at him. “I think your brother is right, though, let’s get off the street,” he opens his door and climbs outside, wrapping an arm around Chan as he walks them back onto Jihoon’s yard. 

Jihoon sits in the car for a minute as he looks at the two talk and he almost wants to scream at himself for so hopefully waiting for Soonyoung’s reply.

What would he have done if Soonyoung said he still likes him? Would he tell him he likes him back?

Does he like him back?

It seems almost obvious that he does at this point. He’s happier with Soonyoung, he wants Soonyoung in his life not the way he’s been for the past week, but the way he was the months before. He wants to hold his hand and watch dumb movies and kiss in the darkness of their rooms when their parents think they're watching anime. He wants to text him whenever and not feel afraid that he won't text him back. He wants to look at Soonyoung and know he's his, and damn, maybe he really is a possessive asshole the way Jeonghan calls him but if that means Soonyoung is back with him, then he's willing to be one.

He watches Soonyoung talk cheerfully with Chan, the way his cheeks bunch when he smiles and the way his hands flutter excitedly in the air and the way his lips curve around the shape of his words and Jihoon hates how much he notices all these details and he hates, _hates_ how much he wants all those little parts of Soonyoung unconditionally .

The two seem to notice Jihoon is still sitting awkwardly in the car and Soonyoung reaches out to open the door for him so he can climb out.

 _Don’t do that gentleman crap,_ Jihoon thinks as he grabs his things and doesn’t meet Soonyoung’s eyes, _don't you understand how that makes me feel?!_

He joins them outside in the cold, watching his brother and Soonyoung talk though he isn’t really listening. He’s close by Soonyoung’s side and he hates how much he’s hoping Soonyoung will throw an arm around his shoulder and pull him close to keep him warm. But Jihoon took away all those privileges from himself, didn’t he? And it kills him how much he wants it. How much he wants Soonyoung. Fuck.

Chan is the first to notice Jihoon is having a mental breakdown and he laughs at him. “I think hyung is freezing his ass off, his eyes haven’t moved in three whole minutes!”

Jihoon’s eyes snap up to his. “I’m fine!” He insists. He really wants to finish that conversation with Soonyoung. He looks over at him hoping that they have that same weird telepathic thing Seungcheol and Jeonghan have but Soonyoung only looks back at him with concern.

“You should go inside, your nose is all red,” he tells him and Jihoon almost wants to throw the cupcake at him. There’s more important things at hand!

“I’m not co–“ He tries again when Soonyoung’s last century phone starts ringing and he excuses himself to answer the call.

“Did I interrupt some kissing?” Chan asks cheekily when Soonyoung steps away.

“No!” Jihoon hisses and Chan narrows his eyes, a knowing smile on his face that reminds him a bit horrifyingly of their brother’s.

“Your cheeks are so fucking red, hyung.”

“Don’t curse you little-!”

“I need to go home,” Soonyoung interrupts and Jihoon straightens out, not before throwing Chan a warning look while his brother smiles innocently back. 

“Don’t you want to stay for dinner?” Chan asks and Jihoon almost lets out a startling noise.

Soonyoung glances briefly at Jihoon and smiles apologetically at Chan. “I can’t, I forgot we have reservations for this restaurant out of town. Another time?” He asks, but looks back at Jihoon when he does and Jihoon nods easily.

“I’d really like that,” he says shyly. Soonyoung’s eyes light up and Jihoon tells himself the redness on his cheeks is from the cold.

“Alright, lovebirds,” Chan says and both boys flush. “I’m heading inside. Please don’t forget to text me once all the recital stuff is done.”

“You should come watch!” Soonyoung tells him and Chan agrees easily as he runs back to the house.

Alone, neither of the boys look at each other and Jihoon wants to go back to his earlier question but he knows it’s too awkward now.

“So I’ll see you Monday?” Jihoon asks, finally, and part of him wants Soonyoung to suggest they hang out over the weekend because he’s still too nervous to ask himself.

“Of course. I meant what I said earlier. No matter what, I’m your friend, okay?”

“Okay,” Jihoon’s voice is as low as a whisper and when Soonyoung takes a step closer he almost steps back.

“Is it alright,” he says slowly, as his hands come up to his scarf. “If I’ll let you keep this for now?” He’s so close to him now that all Jihoon can do is nod an autopilot because he feels like his brain is short-circuiting. “And just so you know... You don’t need to worry about how I feel,” he says watching Jihoon close and Jihoon wants to pull him down closer but he can’t move. “What I learned from my first unrequited crush," he teases, "is that keeping you close hurts less than keeping you far…” He grins cheekily, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “So I’m not going away anytime soon, okay? You don’t need to worry.” 

Jihoon is too frozen to say anything and Soonyoung gives him one last reassuring smile before he steps away and waves bye on his way to the driver's seat. When he climbs in he shoos Jihoon and Jihoon realizes he’s waiting for him to go inside before he drives away as he usually does, and Jihoon has to almost physically drag himself off the ground to hurry to the house. Before he goes inside he looks back at Soonyoung and they wave at each other one last time.

The house is warm inside, their mom must’ve turned on the heating for Friday night when everyone’s home. Jihoon takes off his shoes feeling stiff and heads like a zombie towards his room.

“Did Soonyoung take you home?” He hears his mom’s voice from the living room and looks over at her.

“Yeah,” he says quietly and his mom seems concerned from the tone in her voice.

“What’s wrong?”

Jihoon opens his mouth and closes it, unsure of what to say. He enters the room and plops himself into the armchair by the couch where his mom is sitting, the cupcake box balancing on his knee. “I think I made a mistake,” he says finally and hates the knowing look his mom’s face morphs into.

“How do you want to fix it then?” She asks and Jihoon shakes his head.

“I don't know.”

“Well what do you usually do when you don’t know what to do?”

“I…” Jihoon winces. “I don’t know.”

“You could write a song,” he hears Jeonghan suggest from behind him as he comes around with two cups of tea, one for their mom.

“A song?” Jihoon echoes stupidly.

“Isn’t that what you usually do?” Jeonghan’s head tilts questioningly. “When you have strong feelings, you write a song to let it out.”

“Yeah… When I want to let people go,” Jihoon says. “I don’t want to let him go,” he says quietly and hates the similarity between Jeonghan and his mom’s smiles.

“Write a song to invite him back in, Jihoon-ah,” his mom says, voice soft the way a mother’s usually is and Jihoon thinks that’s horribly corny but not entirely a bad idea.

He sighs dropping his head into his hands, box smashed against his forehead. “I think I really like him,” he says finally and it feels like a relief to have those words out but it's simultaneously the most horrifying sentence Jihoon has ever uttered and he doesn’t know how he could ever tell Soonyoung. 

Maybe a song really isn’t a bad idea.

Before his mom and brother can say something cheeky he gets up and excuses himself to run up to his room. He throws his backpack on his bed and his jacket over it but places the cupcake carefully onto his desk and keeps the scarf on as he reaches for his guitar.

He remembers two months ago, Soonyoung’s smile when _Adore U_ played across the bleachers. Soonyoung's happiness at the realization that all those lyrics are about him and Jihoon thinks, fingers brushing along chords, if Soonyoung still likes him… If Jihoon really wanted, he could call Soonyoung up and just tell him right now he likes him and have it all work out but part of him is excited to see that smile again. To make Soonyoung so happy again. To write another song just for Soonyoung.

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im using canon svt songs for this au as u all know so im curious which song u think jihoon will write for soonyoung lol~~ please let me know in the comments or u can hit up my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/iluhosh) as well!! 
> 
> as always thank you for reading, i think next chapter will be the last one but i have some other fun things in store for the next few weeks so please look forward to that <3


	8. Chapter 8

The first thing Jihoon does on Monday is head to the Music Building to meet Bumzu. He has never published a song without letting his mentor hear it first – other than Chan’s forced postings of course – and this mess he’s written in the past two days… He can’t possibly think it’s fit for publishing before Bumzu has a listen.

Jihoon has his guitar case hitting the back of his thighs as he heads to Bumzu’s office but it’s locked when he gets there.

Jihoon takes out his phone and opens his messages with Bumzu from the night before. They discussed meeting before classes start because he can’t during lunch. He sends a quick question mark and after a minute Bumzu responds.

 

Bumzu [7:46]: a little patience will you? I’m entering the elevator

 

Jihoon sighs, embarrassed. He’s too nervous about this. Instead of a song about letting go he wrote a whole confession song. A song about wanting to keep someone around. He shudders from the corniness of it all and when the elevator pings he turns around, eyes wide and Bumzu laughs when he sees him.

“Someone’s jittery,” he walks sluggishly down the hall and Jihoon steps away silently to let him through to unlock the door. “Good morning to you too,” Bumzu says raising his brow at Jihoon when the latter stays silent.

“Hi,” he says quietly. “I’m nervous,” he admits then and Bumzu pats his back comfortingly as he enters the office and Jihoon follows behind.

“So,” Bumzu sits at his desk and presses spacebar to wake up his laptop. “What did you write?”

“A love song,” Jihoon says simply, unlocking his guitar case.

“Is this your new baby?” He observes the instrument and hums approvingly at its design. “How is she?”

“Perfect,” Jihoon admits. He doesn’t know if it’s the new instrument or his feelings but he’s never written a song this quickly. “She feels great.”

“Let’s just play this song before anything else weird gets said,” Bumzu smiles and Jihoon blushes, playing a few chords to get familiar with the guitar before he begins.

He plays only the first verse and chorus and when he looks up, Bumzu is nodding approvingly.

“I like it,” he says after a pause, considering. “It’s an upbeat tempo, which fits the airy feeling of liking someone... And the realization of it,” he tilts his head and Jihoon goes back to playing around with the chords of the song while Bumzu continues talking. “Are you planning on performing it on Friday?”

“I thought about it,” Jihoon admits. “But I don’t think if I’m brave enough to do that.”

“We all start somewhere.”

“This isn’t just a performance,” Jihoon says quietly.

“Right,” Bumzu nods. “It’s a confession.”

Jihoon feels his ears heat up and takes the guitar off his thigh to pack it back into its case. “I should go to class.”

“Consider performing will you? I’ll squeeze in a spot for you.”

“I really couldn’t,” he means it too. The humiliation of that… The pure exposal. Writing the song was easy, but this next step feels impossible. At least dropping it on SoundCloud is safer than performing such a sincere song in front of the whole school. He wants to curl into himself at the thought.

“I’ll record it,” Jihoon says when the guitar is packed. “I might play it on the radio, but I won’t perform.”

“That’s cheating,” Bumzu puts on his glasses as he starts clicking something on his desktop, meaning to start his work day. “But I’ll let it slide for now. I do expect an actual performance at the end of the year though.”

Jihoon feels himself smile despite the stress brewing deep in his chest. “Deal,” he says and feels a little lighter.

 

✉

 

In class he sits next to Jun now that they’re not ignoring each other anymore and if Jun recognizes the scarf around his neck he doesn’t say anything.

Yes, Jihoon is still wearing it. It’s warm and it’s cozy and it helps that it’s Soonyoung’s too. It feels special. When he gets to his second class, unlike Jun Wonwoo does notice the scarf and reacts with a knowing smirk. Jihoon thinks he ought to be embarrassed, but he finds that it’s a bit less awkward and a bit less intrusive since Wonwoo already seems to _know_ things.

“I think it’s cute,” Wonwoo tells him when they’re waiting for their teacher to arrive so class will start. “Does it smell like him?” He teases and Jihoon blushes, taking off the scarf and shoving it in his bag.

“It’s a soft scarf!” Jihoon defends though it feels pointless. “And high quality, too!”

“Looks like it,” Wonwoo’s smile softens. “How was your weekend?”

“It was okay,” Jihoon mutters, calming down. It feels unfair to freak out next to Wonwoo who was always so… Composed. Is this guy not also going through puberty? How does he stay so… Cool?!

“Did you study?”

“Uhhhh,” Jihoon winces. He already had his calculus exam so he’s been more relaxed about the rest. “Sort of?”

“You’re lucky you’re smart.” Wonwoo muses.

“So are you.” Jihoon counters. Wonwoo simply smiles and continues to stare. “What?” Jihoon asks finally.

“You’re so cute these days, Jihoon.”

Jihoon sputters. “I quite like you Wonwoo,” he warns. “Please don’t say anything that will put you on my bad side.”

“You like me?” Wonwoo blinks while leaning away, dramatically acting surprised. “I didn’t think you were capable of saying words like that.”

“Shut up,” Jihoon mutters. “In due time,” he adds then and even though he doesn’t look directly at Wonwoo he can feel his smile grow.

“Then I’ll continue to root for you, Jihoon.”

“Thanks,” Jihoon glances at him briefly just as their teacher walks in. “I’ll need it.”

 

✉

 

Because of the finals throughout the week, the days pass quickly, which is exciting but also endlessly terrifying. He feels like time is flying by. Jihoon barely sees Soonyoung during the week other than the occasional greeting in the hallways and the few texts they exchange through the day. Soonyoung does try to invite Jihoon to watch him practice but Jihoon says he wants to see the final product… He isn’t lying. But he’s also way too nervous to see Soonyoung face to face for too long even if he misses him.

“Have you decided what you’re going to do?” Bumzu asks while Jihoon records a demo of the song Wednesday after school. He has already finished all the other projects in time for Friday, the last one was Hansol’s but it doesn't really count when the boy already does half the work himself.

“No,” Jihoon admits. “I don’t think I can perform in front of the school, though.”

“It’ll be romantic,” his mentor teases and Jihoon presses his lips together.

“I’m not going for romantic,” Jihoon says dumbly. “Just a confession.”

“Through song. About your romantic feelings,” Bumzu adds, brow rising and Jihoon clears his throat and asks to continue with the recording.

When they’re listening to the finished product a few hours later, Bumzu asks again and Jihoon sighs.

“It sounds good like this, doesn’t it? I could just play this on the radio. That’s enough humiliation.”

“Which part is humiliating? The song or the confession?” Bumzu asks as he helps move around some details on the screen and Jihoon watches, learning.

“Both?” Jihoon finally admits. “I’ve never confessed before.”

“How did you and Soonyoung start dating in the first place?”

Jihoon’s mouth hangs open for a few seconds. He didn’t expect this question. He had almost forgotten that their whole relationship was essentially a scam.

“He’s the one who confessed,” he says carefully.

“Adorable,” Bumzu grins, saving the file. “How?”

Jihoon’s mind blanks as he tries to remember the cover story they had come up with a while back. “We got closer and then he asked me on a date and I said sure,” Jihoon says quickly and Bumzu stares for a second waiting for the rest. “That’s it,” Jihoon adds.

“Why did you break up?” He asks then and Jihoon looks away. “It’s a confession song… But he already knows you like him?”

“I don’t think I fully realized how much… So I’m telling him now,” Jihoon pushes out despite his face feeling like it’s on fire and heart trying to beat its way out of his chest. “I can’t even talk about this,” he says, voice strained. “How do you think I’ll be able to sing anything in front of the whole school?”

“Maybe you really couldn’t,” Bumzu smiles.

“I’ll ask Jeonghan to play it on the radio,” Jihoon decides and Bumzu nods in approval.

“I’ll finish this up for you then,” he says then turning back to the computer.

“No, I can–“

“You have finals, right? Don’t worry about it, I owe you a birthday present anyway and I want this confession to be a success,” Bumzu smiles and Jihoon blinks at him. “Go,” Bumzu says again when Jihoon doesn’t move and finally Jihoon gets up.

“Thank you, hyung,” he tells him earnestly and Bumzu simply waves him away, playing the song from the start to synch the noise properly with the guitar so it’s not clashing too loudly.

“I’ll send you the final version tomorrow, sounds good?”

“Sounds great,” Jihoon smiles. “Thank you, I don’t know how to repay you… “

“Don’t worry about it, like I said,” he tells him over his shoulder. “Birthday present. Just consider actually performing something by the time you graduate and we’ll be good.”

“Yeah… I think there might be something I could do,” Jihoon smiles putting on his jacket, thinking of all the times Soonyoung offered a dance collaboration. They could write their own song for it too and perform at the end of the year. If Soonyoung accepts his confession, of course. He will won’t he? Jihoon feels rising panic as his anxieties begin surfacing again. He said he still likes him didn’t he? And even if he didn’t reciprocate, just being friends with Soonyoung is enough…Right?

“Jihoon please go home,” Bumzu says breaking him from his thoughts. “You look exhausted.”

“I’m okay,” Jihoon mutters but picks up his backpack anyway and leaves the room telling Bumzu thanks again. It’s only when he’s out in the parking lot does he realize he doesn’t have a ride back home and it’s dark and most importantly freezing.

Of course the first person he wants to call is Soonyoung, but Soonyoung has the show on Friday and still more tests until then so he feels bad. He calls Jeonghan instead.

“Yo~” Jeonghan answers on the second ring and Jihoon sighs, watching his breath turn into a cloud in front of him.

“Jeonghan, are you with Seungcheol?”

“Seungcheol has soccer practice on Wednesdays,” Jeonghan tells him and Jihoon lets out another breath. Perfect. “How come?”

“I need a ride home,” Jihoon tells him as he starts walking towards the fields.

“Ahh, I thought you were with Soonyoung,” Jeonghan hums and Jihoon can hear a faucet over the receiver. “Well catch a ride home with Seungcheol then, we’re making dinner,” he tells him and hangs up before Jihoon can respond.

“Thanks, hyung,” Jihoon mutters and is glad to see there are still people running around the field and when he comes closer he sees Seungcheol is one of them.

It seems like the end of practice and Jihoon sits on the cold bleachers watching the boys finish their stretches. Seokmin is on the team, too, and he notices Jihoon first, waving obnoxiously until Seungcheol spots him, smiling brightly and nodding as if already knowing why Jihoon is waiting for him.

Jihoon looks away, taking out his phone and unlocking it with frozen fingers. He wonders how long it’ll be until Cheol smiling at him like that won’t make his heart skip a beat. It’s like a curse. A first love curse. He opens his music app and plays _Habit_ before opening his texts with Soonyoung.

 

Jihoon [18:02]: soonyoung… who is the first person you ever liked

 

He presses send before he can change his mind and surprisingly it immediately says the message is read. Jihoon blushes, suddenly feeling very warm and very stupid.

 

Soonyoung [18:03]: hmmm… define like?

Jihoon [18:04]: someone who made you.. feel things?

Soonyoung [18:04]: there are plenty of ppl like that i’m an emotional person!

Jihoon [18:05]: what about your first gf

 

Jihoon stares at his screen and after a few minutes it’s clear Soonyoung isn’t responding right away, which is okay because the soccer practice has finished and Jihoon looks up in time for Seokmin to run up the bleachers towards him.

“Jihoon-hyung!” He grins. “Haven’t seen you in a while,” he sits next to him and stares at his phone screen before Jihoon can hide it. “Oh! Tell Soonyoung-hyung I say hi,” his smile turns cheekier and Jihoon leans away, locking his phone to put it away.

“It’s rude to stare at other people’s screens,” Jihoon scolds and Seokmin blinks innocently as Cheol calls over from below.

“Please don’t make me go up there!” He yells and Jihoon uses the excuse to get up. “God, I’m exhausted,” Cheol is sitting on the first steps and Jihoon wants to laugh how this athletic young guy is completely wiped after just a two-hour practice.

“What an old man,” Seokmin says as he comes down behind Jihoon.

“Embarrassing,” Jihoon adds with a snicker.

“Try being an athlete _and_ a captain! The responsibility alone exhausts you!” Cheol defends, getting up with a wince as he joins the two on their way to the parking lot.

“You’re such a drama queen, hyung,” Seokmin shakes his head. “How can I respect my captain this way?”

“He’s right,” Jihoon says, feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket. “You have an image to uphold!”

“What’s this attack?! I’m the hyung here!”

Seokmin looks over at him and his limp. “We can see that, _ahjussi,_ ” he says and Jihoon laughs as he takes out his phone to check the new text.

 

Soonyoung [18:09]: ahh should I be honest about this?

 

Jihoon’s heart skips and he stays a bit behind while the two walk ahead, still teasing each other.

 

Jihoon [18:10]: of course

 

Soonyoung starts typing immediately and Jihoon watches his phone, trembling a little from the cold or nervousness, he isn’t sure. The reply comes in when they’re almost at the car.

 

Soonyoung [18:12]: its not that I didn’t like my girlfriends but that I like you differently… i like you more than I liked anyone ive ever dated bc with you it wasnt afterthought bc u happened to ask me out but just because you’re you and i got to know you and the liking part came naturally... it just feels real

 

Jihoon freezes in his spot rereading the message again before Seokmin draws his attention.

“Shotgun?” He asks when he opens the front door and when Jihoon looks up, Cheol is watching him curiously.

“I’m dropping you off first, maybe Jihoon should sit in the front,” he says and Seokmin frowns but doesn’t disagree when he climbs in the backseat and Jihoon, quietly, gets inside the car.

“You good?” Cheol mutters to him and Jihoon nods, still stuck in some sort of trance when his phone vibrates again.

 

Soonyoung [18:14]: was that too forward? im sorry

 

Jihoon swallows, heart squeezing tight. Soonyoung must really like him and Jihoon really _really_ likes him back. He could tell him right now. He wants to tell him right now. The desire of it bubbles fervently in his chest, threatening to burst out of him.

But then he remembers Bumzu in the studio, finishing the last touches of his song and Jihoon thinks he ought to wait. Just a few days and then…

 

Jihoon [18:16]: no its not

Jihoon [18:16]: well it is… but not in a bad way

Soonyoung [18:17]: okay im glad

Soonyoung [18:17] what brought this on?

 

Jihoon presses his lips together, eyes glued to the phone as Seokmin starts rapping in the backseat.

 

Jihoon [18:18]: i wonder how long it takes to unlike someone

Soonyoung [18:18]: with how things are feeling right now probably a very long time lol

Soonyoung [18:18]: is this about seungcheol?

 

Jihoon involuntarily glances at Seungcheol, his large smile as he laughs at Seokmin’s silly rapping and the way his neck still glistens with post-practice sweat. He’s handsome for sure, but he’s just Cheol in his eyes now. Someone who isn’t his but someone who’s undoubtedly forever special to him anyway.

 

Jihoon [18:20]: in a way

 

He looks at the message, chewing at his bottom lip, then sends another text just in case Soonyoung gets the wrong idea.

 

Jihoon [18:21]: I just think it’s interesting how feelings fade

Soonyoung [18:21]: liking someone.. it's a curious thing isn’t it?

Jihoon [18:22]: it really is

 

As soon as the message is sent they reach Seokmin’s house, and he gets out with a loud bye, the car instantaneously growing quiet and Jihoon puts his phone away.

“He’s so loud,” Cheol says, clearly just to say _something_ to break the silence.

“Yeah,” Jihoon agrees.

“But he’s a good kid.”

“Very.”

They’re quiet again, music playing softly on the radio and Jihoon knows Cheol wants to ask but he waits it out instead. He doesn’t want to be the one to start the conversation, especially since the two haven’t properly spoken in so long.

“What’s gotten you in such a weird mood?” Cheol finally breaks after a few minutes and Jihoon laughs through his nose, completely unsurprised.

“What do you think?”

“Soonyoung, right?”

“Right,” Jihoon admits, not fighting it.

“But…” Cheol continues, eyeing Jihoon every few seconds. “There’s more to it than that, right?”

“Right.”

“You want to talk about it?”

Jihoon watches the houses they pass and takes a few breaths before speaking. “I can’t help but compare both of you,” he admits. “How I liked you. How I like him. Why liking him terrifies me and wondering how I can be more brave.”

“Lots of thoughts,” Cheol hums. “Any conclusions?”

“You’re probably what I’d call my first love,” Jihoon confesses, feeling terrified. What’s with him and being extremely honest in car rides lately?

“I don’t think so,” Cheol says after a pause and that makes Jihoon look at him.

“How do you know? I really liked you, Cheol.”

“Love is a strong word, though,” he says. “And maybe you do love me and I love you too. But I never loved you the same way I love Jeonghan and you don’t love me the same way you love Soonyoung.”

Jihoon swallows. “I don’t love Soonyoung,” he says, voice tight.

“Not yet, but you will,” Seungcheol confirms. “As soon as you started dating you opened a whole new type of ‘liking’ with him. He’s your first everything, isn’t he? Technically speaking.”

Jihoon doesn’t respond, feeling his whole body shiver with the realization of it. The way the thought of Soonyoung nests comfortably in the center of his heart. Warm and pleasant.

“Do you ever think about how it might’ve been if we were the ones who ended up together?” Jihoon can’t help but ask, because it feels like the question hovering in the back of all their relationship lately and Jihoon wants an answer to the constant nagging in his mind.

“I think I’m just happy with how things turned out,” Cheol admits and Jihoon nods, the words ringing true. Jeonghan and Seungcheol happy together. Jihoon, despite a few years of sulking, has found his own true love too.

“Thank you, hyung,” he tells him, looking over at him as Cheol parks his car in front of his house.

“Always,” Cheol smiles. “If you need any other love advice…”

“I’ll make sure never to ask you.” Jihoon can’t help the grin that crawls onto his face.

“That’s not what I was going to say,” Cheol scowls as they climb out of the car.

“You think I want any love advice from _you_ who is dating my brother? No thanks.”

Cheol frowns. “I wasn’t talking about sex advice.”

“Oh my god, me neither!” Cheol only laughs and throws an arm over his shoulders as they head to the house together and Jihoon, with Soonyoung’s words still ingrained in his mind, really can’t wait for Friday.

 

✉

 

The next day Bumzu sends Jihoon the completed file and Jihoon listens to it during lunch break and immediately messages his mentor about how great it is. Bumzu added a few beats beyond the guitar to make the song sound more produced, or as much as it could be when it was only created in the last few days. Jihoon thinks it could be better, but he really doesn't want to wait longer than Friday to reveal it. His bravery won’t last that long and neither will his patience.

Soonyoung is nowhere to be seen on thursday and Jihoon thinks it’s for the best. He’s probably nervous about his own show the next day and other tests so Jihoon simply texts him good luck and doesn’t bother finding him around school.

Seungcheol takes him home again and Jihoon sits in the back listening to his song on repeat while Jeonghan and Seungcheol argue over who got the correct answers on their math exam.

“You good?” Jeonghan asks him when they’re inside the house, taking off their shoes. Seungcheol went to his to grab some notes so he and Jeonghan can study, and Jihoon uses the opportunity alone to ask about the next day.

“I need a favor hyung,” he says, before he can change his mind and Jeonghan tilts his head slightly.

“What is it?”

“I want you to play a song tomorrow,” Jihoon tells him and Jeonghan’s lips shift into a smile. “Please,” he adds, feeling awkward and exposed.

“Ahh, so you did it.”

Jihoon squirms uncomfortably. “Yeah…”

“You won’t perform it?” Jeonghan asks going down the hallway and Jihoon walks with him.

“I think it’s better like this,” he admits.

“Why not upload it on SoundCloud?” The question is fair. He could just upload it tonight and have the confession come out like that.

“I think Soonyoung will like the grandness of hearing it on the radio,” Jihoon admits as they walk up the stairs. It feels so awkward to be planning such an event. “And I kind of want to make it grand for him, too…”

“Cute,” Jeonghan tells him rubbing the back of Jihoon’s head. A short moment of softness. It’s been a while. “Send me the file. When do you want me to play it?”

“After the show?”

“As an encore?”

“Sure,” Jihoon’s heart beats quickens at all of this planning. _This is really happening, huh…_

“Would’ve loved to see you perform it,” Jeonghan says before they separate and Jihoon shrugs.

“Let’s not overdo it, alright?”

Jeonghan nods with a gentle smile and Jihoon swallows, nodding back. “Everything at its own pace.”  

“Thanks, hyung,” Jihoon tells him and Jeonghan waves as they go to their own rooms.

Inside, Jihoon lets out a breath. He’s so _so_ nervous. He kind of just wants to go to sleep and wake up the next morning, knowing that the moment is closer because waiting for it is _torturous_. He’s lucky he doesn't have any tests left other than an essay he just has to proofread before submitting tomorrow. He can’t concentrate on anything like this.

He lays down on his bed taking out his phone and opens Soonyoung’s text first. It’s a video and Jihoon doesn’t play it.

 

Jihoon [16:01]: why would i watch this and ruin the surprise?

 

Soonyoung as always replies right away.

 

Soonyoung [16:01]: ahhhh so ure coming tomorrow?

Jihoon [16:02]: what made you think I wasn’t?

Soonyoung [16:02]: nothing I just wasn’t sure ><

Soonyoung [16:03]: well if ure coming i guess don't watch then~

Jihoon [16:03] okay~

 

Jihoon bites his lip wondering if that was flirty and if it’s okay that maybe he was trying to be. He hopes that Soonyoung being online for a few minutes and still not responding is a good sign.

 

Soonyoung [16:05]: so did you figure out what you were thinking about yesterday?

Jihoon’s heart beats steady in his chest.

Jihoon [16:05]: I think so

Soonyoung [16:06]: and?

Jihoon [16:05]: and what?

Soonyoung [16:05]: how long does it take to unlike someone

Jihoon [16:06]: I think it seeps away when it’s ready to go

Soonyoung [16:06]: hmm beautifully said as always jihoonie~

Soonyoung [16:06]: then how long did it take for u?

 

Jihoon thumbs tingle before they type out the reply.

 

Jihoon [16:07]: not sure, but one day it just wasn't there anymore

Jihoon [16:07]: I think it hasn't been for a while

Soonyoung [16:07]: did I help?

Jihoon [16:08]: you did c:

 

Jihoon smiles as he watches Soonyoung type and stop for a whole minute before the reply comes in.

 

Soonyoung [16:09]: well, you’re very welcome then

Jihoon [16:09]: thank you soonyoung <3

Soonyoung [16:09]: is this really jihoon?

Jihoon [16:10]: im expressing my gratitude!

Soonyoung [16:10]: what gratitude? now im the one suffering!

Jihoon [16:10]: fighting soonyoung~

Soonyoung [16:11]: …

Jihoon [16:11]: ???

Soonyoung [16:11]: u confuse me

Jihoon [16:12]: don't worry about it, just focus on your performance tomorrow

Soonyoung [16:12]: how can i when ure not making any sense here ><

Jihoon [16:12]: it’ll all make sense eventually soonyoung-ah~

 

Jihoon chews on his lip and thinks if he made a mistake teasing Soonyoung like this but he’s too excited and too nervous for the confession. Plus… Soonyoung flustered even over text is kind of fun to mess around with.

 

Soonyoung [16:13]: ure making me nervous..

Soonyoung [16:13]: if i fuck up tomorrow its all ur fault

Jihoon [16:14]: ull do great soonyoung

Soonyoung [16:15]: thank you

 

They end the conversation with that and Jihoon rereads his essay and listens to his song until he falls asleep.

 

✉

 

Since Friday is the day of the show, the whole High School is on performance lockdown. Classes are only running until twelve because the show is at one and after Jihoon hands in his essay he’s free.

He spends most of the day in the studio to fix up last minute touch ups on songs for performers and around twelve thirty he heads to the theatre to help set up the sound system with all of the music. That takes about fifteen minutes, which means there is another quarter of an hour left before the show starts so Jihoon decides to use the opportunity to see a certain performer.

Backstage is busy with the many students performing, most of them upperclassmen. There’s Wonwoo practicing a skit with who must be his drama partner that didn’t show up at the Halloween party. Jihoon considers saying hi but the two seem to be arguing, their relationship still strained, so he changes his mind. He sees Jeongyeon rehearsing with Momo and some other girls and she waves eagerly when she sees him. Jihoon waves back, he didn’t realize how with all the Soonyoung drama he has barely interacted with some of his other friends. Jun is on the other side of the corridor practicing with Minghao, or more like Minghao is untangling a string while Jun apologizes profusely.

Jihoon finds Soonyoung in the last of dressing room of the hallway. He’s wearing all black. Black jeans and a black flowy shirt that’s tucked inside underlining his waist while the pants accentuate his thighs. He has black eyeshadow dusted on his eyelids, messily styled hair, and long silver earrings that seem to brush against his neck when he moves his head and Jihoon forces himself to breathe when he approaches him. He’s used to his feelings for Soonyoung by now, somewhat, but he’s still not used to being this _attracted_ to Soonyoung. That’s definitely something he has never felt to this degree for anyone else and it excites him in a way that’s almost scarier than thinking about his song playing across the speakers later that day.

“Hey,” Jihoon says when he approaches him and Soonyoung blinks up from where he was fixing his make up in the mirror.

“Jihoon,” he says dumbly when their eyes meet and Jihoon smiles awkwardly.

“Wanted to wish you luck again,” he says, not really meeting his eyes and he’s aware that a few people around them are staring so he comes a bit nearer so they don’t have to talk too loudly.

“You know that’s bad luck for performers?”

“Well then… Break a leg?”

Soonyoung swallows, watching Jihoon strangely instead of replying. “Your texts yesterday…” He says finally and Jihoon lets out a breath. Did they really bother him that much?

“I was just teasing, don’t worry about them.”

Soonyoung’s mouth opens, surprised, and Jihoon can’t help but glance down at his lips briefly before looking up. “How can I not?” Soonyoung says. “You made it sound like you-” He cut himself off, running a frustrated hand through his already messy hair. “Plus teasing me when you how I feel,” he says more quietly. “That’s not very nice.”

Jihoon blinks, a little unsure how they got to this. “What?” He takes a step closer, taking hold of his arm when Soonyoung won’t look at him. “No, no, that’s not what I was trying to do I promise,” he assures him. “Just… We’ll talk about it after, okay?”

Soonyoung looks up at him, finally, and up close despite the edgy makeup, his eyes look soft. “What were you trying to do?”

Before Jihoon can reply there’s a last call for all the performers and people start to file out of the room, watching the two strangely and finally Jihoon lets go of Soonyoung.

“Just… Trust me, okay?” Jihoon tells him. “We’ll talk after the show. You’re seventh, right? I set up your song.”

Soonyoung watches him, unconvinced. “Okay, thanks,” he says and Jihoon nods stepping away.

“Can’t wait to see your performance,” Jihoon smiles shyly and starts backing away out of the room. “Do our song justice, alright?”

Soonyoung still looks stiff but he relaxes slightly at that. “Of course,” he smiles back and Jihoon leaves quickly afterwards to head to the sound check room where Bumzu is already setting up the first song.

“So you’re not performing,” he says when he sees him.

“You already knew that,” Jihoon points out. “I have something else planned,” he adds and Bumzu glances at him but doesn't say anything else.

The show starts with Seungkwan and Mingyu MCing and Jihoon makes sure Bumzu set up Hansol’s song while they introduce the artists. Hansol is first, rapping with Jihoon’s backtrack adding more professional sound. Then it’s some other freshmen including Seokmin singing a duet with a classmate, then students from his year with Wonwoo’s skit and it’s actually pretty funny, Jihoon didn’t expect that from two people who did not get along. Minghao and Jun follow, showing off a gorgeous and complicated choreography with a string between them. Then it’s Jeongyeon, Momo and a few other girls with a SNSD cover and Jihoon braces himself knowing Soonyoung is after them before it’s the seniors’ turn.

The girls are good but Jihoon is way too distracted and he notices Bumzu watching him while he prepares Soonyoung’s track.

“Your song is great, by the way,” he says and Jihoon licks his lips, eyes not getting off the stage as the girls finish up their performance.

“Yeah…” Is all he can manage, arms crossed to keep his hands from shaking. He didn’t realize how nervous he felt even about Soonyoung’s performance.

When the lights go off, Jihoon involuntarily leans closer to the window, anticipating and when the song starts playing his breath is caught in his throat because Soonyoung is lit up in red in the middle of the black stage and he looks ethereal.

The song is sexy but Soonyoung is sexier. From afar, his eyes look like dark crevices and his lips are tinted red and _shit_ did he put on a white choker, too? Since his shirt is flowy it hugs his torso when he dances, his moves graceful and professional even at such a young age. Soonyoung goes through the choreography like he was born with every move memorized in his fingertips and their song melts into background noise when Jihoon watches Soonyoung dance with such grace and energy and he can feel his own legs tense with how much he wants to join Soonyoung on stage.

“He’s good,” Bumzu says, interrupting his thoughts but Jihoon can’t look away, watching the way Soonyoung crouches slowly onto the ground, until his knees hit the stage and his head is thrown back in time with a turn. Jihoon feels himself lick his lips with the way his entire neck is exposed that makes Jihoon feel rather exposed, too, especially when he remembers that one dark night in his room when he colored that neck with deep purple.

It feels like he can only breathe when the song is over and the crowd erupts with cheers that bring his mind back to the present.

“You really like him don’t you?” Bumzu is smirking when Jihoon looks at him, feeling his cheeks redden. He feels like he was caught doing something dirty, his heart hammering beneath hot skin.

Instead of replying he texts his brother and sits down in a chair while the seniors perform, using the time to calm down. There are about six performances after Soonyoung’s and during the last one Jeonghan finally replies.

 

Jeonghan [14:53]: All ready! Let me know when to play it :D

 

Jihoon lets out a shaky breath and pockets his phone as the last round of the applause rings from the audience and the MCs come back onto the stage to welcome back all the performers for the last bow. Jihoon gets up, watching them all come out and spots Soonyoung first. He’s laughing at something with Wonwoo, and he seems to have whipped off most make up off his face and taken off the choker and Jihoon thinks that is just fine by him. He isn’t sure if he’d be able to handle Soonyoung like that up close after seeing the performance and knowing what’s coming next.

“Okay,” Jihoon says, voice weak and shaky. “I should go.”

“Where are you going?” Bumzu asks, as he lowers the sound of the outro music for the show.

“Out of here.”

“And your confession?”

“As if I can watch people’s reactions…” He’s pulls on his jacket and wraps Soonyoung’s scarf around his neck. “If Soonyoung comes looking for me here-“

“Don’t tell him anything?” Bumzu finishes for him.

“Actually I was going to tell you to say whatever you want,” Jihoon fingers are trembling when he takes his phone out of his jean pocket. “Fuck.”

“Calm down,” Bumzu’s smiling but Jihoon feels like his heart is stuck in his throat. “The boy likes you back, you already know that. It’ll be fine.”

Right, Soonyoung likes him. So why is he so nervous? It’s not that Jihoon is afraid of rejection, but somehow the acceptance is what scares him the most. What will this mean for them after? Soonyoung and Jihoon together officially. Two boys who like each other. Boyfriends. Real boyfriends. Jihoon’s heart beats even harder at that, he feels like he’ll throw up but the feeling at the root of it all isn’t negative. His insides are fluttering and in many ways he’s just overly excited.

When he hears applauds again, Jihoon looks over his shoulder to see everyone take their final bow and he quickly texts Jeonghan to play the song and with a quick goodbye, he’s out of the room.

By the time he gets Jeonghan’s response, Jihoon is already out of the auditorium. He can’t be inside when the song plays. He can’t see everyone’s reactions, he already feels nauseous as it is and the sheer thought of people listening to his song and realizing he’s the one who wrote it and for who makes him want to throw up even harder.

“And now we have a special encore performance,” Jeonghan’s voice fills the school’s speakers and Jihoon starts walking quicker down the corridor. He needs fresh air. Immediately. “Feelings are a tricky thing, every day we’re learning how to be more and more honest about how we feel and how to channel those feelings to the people around us,” the exit door is at the end of the hall and Jihoon hurries to it as Jeonghan’s scripted speech hits him right in the chest. “We make mistakes, we feel guilt, we feel happiness, sadness, and we feel love…” Jihoon shoves the doors open and the December air chills his cheeks immediately, Soonyoung’s scarf keeping the cold from his neck. “Our dearest producer Woozi has written a new song to celebrate love and I don’t think I need to say who this song is dedicated to… Please enjoy!”

When the first chords start to play Jihoon is already sitting on the bleachers, his ass on the frozen metal but his face hot in his hands. He can’t believe he did that. He’s so stupid. He should’ve just told Soonyoung he likes him and that’s it instead of laying his heart, _again_ , in front of the entire school.

 

_My night grows deep deep_

_The TV that’s on_

_Is loud like my heart_

_Why do you keep turning my heart on and off_

_However you want?_

 

Jihoon lets out a shuddered breath. His voice is loud across the empty field and it’s cold right up to his fingertips but inside his heart is on fire, all his feelings soaked deep in each word of the song.

 

_I didn’t say I didn't like it_

_I’m just worried_

_That you’ll get too tired_

_That’s just how I feel_

 

He bends his knees and buries his forehead in between his legs breathing hard. He can hear the song now, can’t he? Jihoon thinks. He’ll know exactly how he feels, his every feeling, his every thought, his every truth.

 

_If it’s you, I need no other_

_You’re like summer without the heat_

_You’re the boiling point of my loneliness_

_I lose sleep at the thought of you and suddenly it’s morning_

 

His eyes shut tight and it’s so cold everywhere and everything, _everything_ he’s done feels like a mistake.

 

_Oh my! What should I do about you?_

 

Their original agreement.

 

_As I look at you, I think of you even more_

 

Their stupid rules.

 

_You’re the biggest question in my life_

 

Their stupid phone backgrounds.

 

_Oh my! Oh my! What should I do?_

 

Their stupid anime nights.

 

_Oh my! What should I do?_

 

Jihoon’s stupid dream and their stupid, _stupid_ first kiss.

 

_What should I do about you?_

 

Their stupid other kisses…

 

_Every day, every day, every day_

 

Their stupid break up.

 

_I like you so much, what should I do?_

 

This stupid fucking song.

“Jihoon,” Jihoon’s head goes up involuntarily and he almost can’t believe his eyes when he sees him even though it’s all he really wanted, right? Soonyoung right there in front of him with his gorgeous messy hair and hopeful eyes and Jihoon has to close his eyes again because he’s not sure if he’s about to pass out or wake up from this dream.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung’s voice comes closer as the bleachers creak when he approaches. “Jihoon, Jihoon look at me,” he says over the lyrics continuing on the speakers, _How about you? Is it hard for you to sleep because of me too?_ “Is all of this true? Is this… Is this about me?”

Jihoon knuckles feel glued to his eyes and he can’t look up.

“This was a mistake,” his voice shakes and next thing he knows he feels Soonyoung’s warm hands over his gently prying them from his face.

“Jihoon,” he says again, softly.

 

_Let’s hum together,_

_Let’s share earphones,_

_On the sketchbook of my brain, I draw you out every day,_

_(What am I saying?)_

_Anyway, I just like you_

 

Soonyoung lets out a laugh at the lyrics and Jihoon whines finally letting his hands drop and Soonyoung swiftly tangles their fingers together while his other hand goes up to his shoulder.

“Please, I don’t know how to react if you won’t say anything,” his voice over laps with the lyrics, _I can try using hard words but my true feeling is this, every everything._

“It’s right there isn’t it?” Jihoon tells him, unable to open his eyes yet afraid that this is all just a humiliating nightmare. “That’s how I feel.”

“Is that why you were acting so weird earlier? All those Seungcheol questions, teasing me, not teasing me, whatever you were doing…” Soonyoung loses track of what he’s saying, his own voice shaking. “Do you actually like me?” Soonyoung asks, voice fervent, impatient. He _needs_ to know and Jihoon can’t blame him but he doesn’t think he can get the words out of his mouth when he’s still experiencing the aftershocks of actually playing this song in front of the whole school.

The chorus starts playing again and Jihoon still can’t speak, holding on tightly to where Soonyoung’s fingers are pressed against his own.

“I need to hear it from you, please,” Soonyoung says, a little softer, a little closer, enough that his warm breath fans Jihoon lightly over his frozen nose and Jihoon leans his head involuntarily forward as the lyrics go on.

 

_Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah_

_I really like you_

_Oh, oh, oh oh!_

_Better tell_

 

“Fuck,” Soonyoung breathes out.

 

_I better tell somebody_

_You are all mine_

 

“Jihoon please look at me or I’m going to explode,” Soonyoung’s voice is shaking and it all feels dumb and overdramatic when Jihoon opens his eyes and Soonyoung is real in the flesh right in front of him waiting for him to say _anything._

 

_You’re so bright_

_You shine so brightly that it reaches outer space_

_Without you, what would I do?_

 

“Oh my god if you don’t say anything I’m kissing you I swear to god just please say somethi-“

Jihoon kisses him first because he can’t stand waiting either and with the lyrics so loud right in their ears and Soonyoung right in front of him he really can’t resist it after his whole heart has been laid out and offered just to him.

And Soonyoung takes it. The movement of his lips familiar on Jihoon’s and it’s warm and feels not only terrifying but exhilarating. This wordless confirmation, this acceptance and birth of something new.

Soonyoung is his, Jihoon thinks when Soonyoung breathes loudly through his nose pushing them closer together. Soonyoung’s warm lips on his are _his,_ his hot fingertips slipping up his cheek are _his_ , his soft noises from surprise every time Jihoon’s voice over the speakers confesses are all swallowed up by Jihoon and they’re all _his_ and they’re each other’s and it’s incredible.

“I can’t believe you,” Soonyoung is still the only one who has spoken as the song winds down and Jihoon’s voice feels frozen when he speaks even though he feels hot all over.

“Believe it,” Jihoon whispers and Soonyoung kisses him again.

“Since when?”

“Is it corny if I say since always?”

“It’s not corny, it’s a lie!”

“Well… Since last week then.”

Soonyoung pauses. “Well I was expecting more than just a week.”

“Last week was when I realized?”

“Okay,” Soonyoung says. “Don’t worry if you can’t come up with an exact time and date I won’t make you feel like your feelings are invalid.”

Jihoon lets out a sigh, his fingers curling into Soonyoung’s hoodie. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Soonyoung’s smiling but Jihoon can’t look straight at him because it’s just too bright. “I knew you’d take some time to come around.”

“That’s not true you felt hopeless,” Jihoon teases but his voice isn’t completely in it as he holds on to Soonyoung even tighter.

It’s only then that he realizes that Jeonghan is talking through the speakers again and Jihoon buries his forehead into Soonyoung’s shoulder when he realizes what his brother is saying. “It was my first time hearing the song too, isn’t it adorable? Maybe if Jihoonie was a little braver he’d sing it live in front of the entire school, but we shouldn’t pressure kids when it comes to their first love!”

“He talks like he’s an expert but he’s only had one boyfriend,” Jihoon mutters and Soonyoung giggles trying to lift Jihoon off of him.

“Don’t change topics, I’m still not over this,” Soonyoung tells him eagerly. “When did you write the song?”

Jihoon tries to curl further into his side. “This weekend.”

“How did you realize you liked me?”

“What is this? An interview?”

“I’m curious!” He really won’t stop smiling and Jihoon can see how happy he is so he indulges, feeling giddy himself that this happiness is all due to him.

“I kept thinking about you,” Jihoon confesses, not meeting his eyes and notices offhandedly that the song is playing again. “I realized I wanted what we had the last few months way more than whatever we were doing last week,” he admits shyly. “I wanted to be with you. Hold your hand. Call you my boyfriend. Kiss you…” he adds then, eyes dropping to Soonyoung’s lips and Soonyoung smiles.

“Jihoonie,” Soonyoung says in a half-whisper. “Just so you know… You’re _so_ romantic.”

“Gross,” Jihoon mutters but he’s blushing.

“You wrote a _confession_ song, confessing that you _like_ me.”

“I couldn’t even perform it,” Jihoon excuses.

“As if this isn’t a performance, the whole school heard it!”

“Don’t remind me…”

They’re quiet for a second and Jihoon’s eyes slip down, painfully aware that Soonyoung is watching him closely as the song replays over the bleachers.

“I’ll never get over this, just so you know,” Soonyoung’s fingers tangle with Jihoon’s again, hot against Jihoon’s still freezing ones. “I thought _Adore U_ was the best but this…” He hums to the song and Jihoon’s cheeks flare. “I want to hear you say it.”

“Just listen to the song…”

“Please,” Soonyoung pushes. “Please, I thought this crush was hopeless, I really did. I still can’t believe this is happening.”

Jihoon meets his eyes and it feels like his whole face is burning especially when Soonyoung smiles at him like he’s the entire world.

“I like you,” he says quietly and Soonyoung grins even wider.

“Please say it again.”

“You say it back, first.”

“Okay,” Soonyoung agrees easily. “I like you. I like you very, _very_ much Lee Jihoon.”

Jihoon has to look away again when his face feels on fire. He can’t believe how happy he is. Why on earth did he stay away from this for so long? He could’ve had this so much earlier if he just wasn’t so afraid.

“Are you okay?”

Jihoon nods not looking up. “I’m happy,” he mutters quietly and Soonyoung throws his arms around him, squeezing tight.

When he pulls away his warm fingers are on his face forcing him to look at him and Jihoon doesn’t understand how Soonyoung can stay so warm in just a hoodie despite the freezing weather. Star privilege, it has to be. He isn’t real.

“Does this mean we’re boyfriends now?” Soonyoung asks and Jihoon almost looks away again. He really doesn’t know how to deal with all this _._

“But for real this time,” Jihoon confirms shyly and Soonyoung won’t stop smiling.

“Of course.”

“Of course.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“I like you,” Soonyoung teases, his nose brushing against Jihoon’s.

“I like you, too,” Jihoon tells him right before their lips touch and they’re kissing again, his song playing in the background filling their ears with the chorus and Jihoon’s voice over the speakers confessing over and over again, _oh my oh my oh my..._

They kiss through the end of the song, familiar movement of their lips and tongues meeting shyly because it’s been a few weeks and Jihoon is trying to be careful in case Soonyoung slips away.

“You two better be kissing by now!” Jeonghan’s voice rings through the speakers as soon as the song is done and Jihoon groans breaking the kiss, his head falling onto Soonyoung’s shoulder, while Soonyoung pulls him close giggling warmly in his ear.

 

✉

 

Things go back to normal almost scary fast. Jihoon still feels guilty about what happened but Soonyoung is too excited to have him back to let Jihoon apologize for it.

“I still think how I behaved–“ Jihoon starts for the tenth time over that weekend alone and Soonyoung shushes him. Jihoon’s sitting on Soonyoung’s bed while Soonyoung packs to his trip to up to Seoul. Jihoon kind of wishes he would’ve just told him the truth earlier, maybe Soonyoung would’ve stayed for break then. “Don’t shush me,” he says with a pout and Soonyoung smiles cutely.

“I don’t want to hear your apologies.”

“Well I think I need to say them!”

Soonyoung sighs and sits on the mattress across from Jihoon. “Okay then,” he concedes, looking up at Jihoon. “Say them.”

His eyes are waiting, watching them with their sharp angle and complete devotion and Jihoon has to take a breath. “I’m sorry.”

Soonyoung watches him for a few seconds, then his brow rises. “That’s it?”

Jihoon throws a pair of socks at him. “Yes that’s it!”

“Well,” Soonyoung picks up the socks and puts them back in the pile. “I forgive you.”

Jihoon tries not to blush, he told himself he’ll stop now that Soonyoung is his _real_ boyfriend, but the heat creeps onto his cheeks anyway and Soonyoung sees it and smiles.

“You’re the cutest, Jihoonie,” he tells him, leaning across the mattress to try and kiss him but Jihoon turns his head away so Soonyoung only gets his cheek. It’s not enough for Soonyoung because he reaches with his hands and tries to pull Jihoon towards him to give him a proper kiss and Jihoon can’t help but laugh when Soonyoung’s hands come around his cheeks pulling him forward until they’re kissing. Jihoon really did always like his kisses.

“It’s fun to be my real boyfriend, right?” Soonyoung asks later after they’ve made out on top of his clothes instead of packing and Jihoon nods, their noses brushing against each other.

“Especially the kissing.”

“I knew you only wanted me for my lips,” Soonyoung pouts and Jihoon kisses his pursed mouth and as always, his lips are soft.

“I won’t deny that,” Jihoon grins and Soonyoung leans away to look at him through narrow eyes.

“Does that mean I need to continue kissing you to keep you?”

“That would probably be beneficial,” Jihoon nods in mock seriousness and Soonyoung’s serious expression doesn't change.

“Kissing it is then,” he says landing a quick peck on Jihoon’s lips. “For precaution, of course.”

“Of course,” Jihoon grins and lets Soonyoung’s warm lips envelop his until they’re called down for dinner.

 

✉

 

Before Soonyoung leaves for Seoul, he’s invited to dinner at Jihoon’s house. It’s winter break already so they’ve been spending most of their time together and with friends as is, but Jihoon’s family has been growing more and more jealous of their lack of Soonyoung time.

“You know I’m also friends with him,” Chan tells him one other day, scowling.

“I know,” Jihoon sighs. “You’ve been practicing with him almost every day.”

“Practicing isn’t hanging out!”

“And is a family dinner hanging out?”

“Boys,” their mom warns and they quiet down. “Chan has a point, Jihoon. I’d love to have Soonyoung over for dinner.”

“He’s leaving to visit his sister on Tuesday.”

“So have him come for dinner tomorrow?”

Jihoon sighs but Chan grins so bright it’s almost enough to rival Soonyoung’s own smile. “Fine.”

That’s how Jihoon ends up waiting for Soonyoung outside his house in just slippers and a puffy jacket over a basic shirt and pajama pants. He hasn’t done anything the whole day other than watch some show with Jeonghan and Seungcheol, but it’s vacation so it’s allowed right?

“Are you insane? You’re going to get sick,” is the first thing Soonyoung tells him when he gets out of his car and his concern isn’t uncalled for but Jihoon is already on his tippy toes trying to get his kiss hello.

Soonyoung complies but leans away quickly throwing an arm over his shoulder instead. “Your nose is freezing.”

“You took two minutes longer than usual to get here,” Jihoon excuses.

“I was letting some old lady cross the street!”

“Gentleman, as always,” Jihoon mutters and Soonyoung opens the door letting Jihoon through first.

“You should’ve gone back inside.”

“I was waiting for my boyfriend!”

Soonyoung blinks and then blushes, quickly closing the door when he’s inside. “I love hearing you call me that without the fake in front of it,” he mutters to him quietly in the small entrance of his house after which he kneels down to take off his shoes and Jihoon smiles watching the top of his head.

When Soonyoung looks up as if sensing his gaze, he’s still blushing and Jihoon only grins wider offering his hand to pull him up.

“What’s in the bag?” He asks, noticing Soonyoung grab it before he stood up. He didn’t see it before.

“Carrot cake,” Soonyoung tells him. “For desert.”

“Yummyyyy,” Jihoon says cutely which only makes Soonyoung blush harder.

“You’re cute,” he tells him shyly and Jihoon can’t help but smile, a small teasing smile where his teeth peek out just a little that gets Soonyoung’s eyes all glassy and distracted. Soonyoung is moving closer to him as if magnetized and Jihoon meets him halfway letting him kiss him for a few seconds longer before they separate and Jihoon takes off his jacket and hangs it next to Soonyoung’s.

They stop by the kitchen first where Jihoon’s mom is finishing up dinner and give her the cake to store in the fridge. Jihoon pours himself a cup of water and watches them interact from the side. It’s clear that Soonyoung’s mom has always liked him and the way they talk comfortably without the feeling of guilt Jihoon had before… He loves this comfort. He loves how Soonyoung already feels like part of his family. It’s a little scary to think of it that way but it’s a quite pleasant, too. Jihoon revels in it.

They help his mom finish dinner and when Jihoon is sent to the living room to call Jeonghan and Seungcheol for dinner before heading upstairs for Chan, he finds them cuddling.

“Eugh,” he says when he walks in. “There are private rooms for this,” he scolds and Jeonghan grins sitting up from where he was laying on top of Cheol.

“I don’t say anything about your constant bedroom eyes towards Soonyoung, do I? Please be polite.”

“I still haven’t forgiven you for telling the entire school we were making out,” Jihoon mutters loud enough for Jeonghan to hear.

“You hold too many grudges, brother,” Jeonghan stands up first and Seungcheol follows.

“Boys please,” he tries and Jihoon throws him an apologetic look.

“We’re good,” Jeonghan assures him, his hand rubbing the back of Seungcheol’s neck. “Jihoonie is a little nervous… First boyfriend anxiety.”

“Well not new boyfriend, right? Arguments happen even if they last a few weeks,” Seungcheol assures him and Jihoon blushes thinking that’s not what Jeonghan meant.

“Of course. I hope it won’t happen again, though,” he admits and Jeonghan’s expression softens.

“Well you have people to talk to in case you’re worried.”

“Thanks,” Jihoon says walking out of the room to go call Chan. “I’ll remember that.”

 

✉

 

Dinner goes by well, Chan tries to dominate the conversation with Soonyoung again, but mostly everyone is just excited to talk to him. Even Seungcheol and Soonyoung bond over soccer teams, Jihoon wasn’t even aware Soonyoung enjoyed sports. Something about watching Soonyoung and Seungcheol bond over their hobby though, his first big crush and his current boyfriend… Well it feels like everything has finally come full circle in a way he can’t say he doesn’t like.

They all enjoy the carrot cake for desert and help Jihoon’s mom clear the table after which they mostly separate. Jeonghan and Seungcheol relocate to the living room to keep binging TV shows while Jihoon’s mom takes Chan to a friend’s house for a sleepover.

Jihoon and Soonyoung go back up to Jihoon’s room and play around on Jihoon’s music software before Soonyoung notices the guitar in the corner of his room.

“Can I ask you for something?” He says, but Jihoon can see him watching the guitar so he can already tell what the question is going to be.

“Sure,” he says anyway.

“Can you play some of the song for me please? _Oh My_ I mean…”

Right, _Oh my!_ That’s what he decided to name the song after Soonyoung kept gasping “oh my god” for the rest of the day after the confession. Fit with the lyrics, too. It was cute.

“I know what you meant,” Jihoon says shyly and gets up to get the guitar, ignoring the nervous flutter in his chest. He sits on the mattress across from Soonyoung’s chair and plucks around the chords to tune the guitar a little better.

“Just so you know… This is a little embarrassing,” he murmurs awkwardly.

“Well… Humor me please,” Soonyoung’s fingers are wringing together and he’s watching him with eyes both intense and soft at the same time and Jihoon looks back down to his guitar before he loses confidence.

He licks his lips and starts playing the first note and he’s hesitating because this is way too intimate and Soonyoung notices because he lays a hand on his knee to steady him.

“How about… You tell me about the process?”

Jihoon looks up at him. “What do you mean?”

“Well… How did you write the song? What were you thinking about?”

“You,” Jihoon answers simply and Soonyoung’s cheeks color instantly.

“What about me?” He asks then, voice weaker than before.

“That I like you,” Jihoon looks back down. “What I like about you. What kind of things you make me feel.”

“Which are?”

“That I like you and that I like liking you and that I want you to know that I like you,” he mutters quickly not meeting Soonyoung’s eyes and when Soonyoung hasn’t spoken for a few moments he looks up to find Soonyoung watching him with the biggest goofiest smile and Jihoon immediately puts his guitar down.

“Okay that’s enough,” he says quickly.

“I still want you to sing for me.”

“Maybe one day,” Jihoon promises. “But with you staring at me like that… It’s too embarrassing.”

“Please!” Soonyoung asks reaching for the guitar to hand it back to Jihoon. “Please just a bit. I’ll close my eyes if that helps!”

Jihoon sighs, his cheeks hot, and takes the guitar because it’s hard to say no to Soonyoung and his loud happiness and cute reactions. He plays a few chords again just to start himself off and keeps looking down as he starts singing thinking he won’t be able to continue if he looks up. It goes well, he keeps going until the second chorus but when he gets to the _I really like you_ part it’s gets too embarrassing.

He looks up to tell Soonyoung he’s stopping and finds Soonyoung wide eyed and crying and he stops immediately.

“Oh my god,” he says groaning. “This is why I didn’t want to play anything.”

Soonyoung blinks and starts wiping his tears. “It’s happy tears, I promise!”

“You really are an emotional person.”

“You knew that!”

“Why are you even crying?” Jihoon asks, flustered now as he puts away his guitar to reach for some tissues on his desk and hand them to Soonyoung. Soonyoung grabs a handful and starts dabbing his eyes dry.

“I don’t know! I’m feeling too much,” he says, voice strained from the crying and Jihoon feels his own eyes prickle and he blinks it away before Soonyoung can see. Jihoon doesn’t say anything until Soonyoung calms down a little even though he’s still sniffing softly a minute later. “I’m just overwhelmed,” he says finally. “I didn’t think I liked you this much but everything you do just makes me...” he grabs the front of his sweater, in front of his heart, and squeezes the fabric. “It feels too strong.”

Jihoon watches him, speechless. He doesn’t know how to react to that. He’s flattered and he thinks he understands how Soonyoung feels with how his own heart beats hard in his chest.

“I’m just happy,” Soonyoung says after a pause, wiping the last of the tears. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Jihoon tells him, voice slightly raspy too.

“I’ve been thinking,” Soonyoung says throwing away the tissues into the bin under Jihoon’s desk. “What if I actually liked you all this time?”

Jihoon lets out a laugh. “I don’t think so.”

“Why not?” Soonyoung looks up at him. “I clearly felt attached to you in first year and you never really left my mind even if we haven’t spoken until a few months ago and when the possibility of getting to know you came around I… I wanted it. Immediately.”

“Well maybe we have chemistry,” Jihoon says dumbly and Soonyoung doesn’t look convinced. “Even if you did, is it worth thinking about?”

“I think it would explain why I already feel so in love with you,” Soonyoung says and his eyes widen at his words and Jihoon mimics the expression. He really didn’t expect that and so soon, too. “Not that I am really!” He says quickly, hands waving. “Well! I do like you a _whole_ lot but _in_ love with you, ahahahah!” He laughs obnoxiously clearly stressed. “Too soon?” He adds then, quieter and Jihoon presses his lips together trying not to smile.

“A little,” Jihoon says. “But weirdly I don’t mind it.”

Soonyoung winces. “Okay,” he says running his hands through his hair, cheeks pink. “Let’s switch topics before I say anything else embarrassing.”

“You probably will anyway,” Jihoon tells him and Soonyoung plops himself onto the bed by his side, face down, without another word and Jihoon can’t help but push his shoulder slightly to turn him over. “Soonyoung,” he urges when he won’t move. “Soonyoungie~” He tries and Soonyoung groans. “Actually maybe don’t turn around for this,” Jihoon tells him, hand pressing down on Soonyoung’s shoulder so he won’t move. “I really _really_ like you too, Soonyoung,” he says. “And I think… I think if we keep dating we will eventually say I love you to each other, won’t we?” His fingers slip up into Soonyoung’s hair and Soonyoung’s head shifts slightly to look at him and Jihoon grins.

“Yeah,” Soonyoung says softly and Jihoon lays down next to him to kiss him and keeps kissing him until they fall asleep.

 

✉

 

They’re woken up by Jihoon’s mom the next morning since Soonyoung has to leave to get to Seoul by evening. It’s a little humiliating to be woken up by your mom when you’re in bed with your boyfriend, facing each other and fingers tangled together. At least they’re clothed.

“Soonyoung’s mom called,” she says quietly when Jihoon sits up abruptly, Soonyoung still sleeping. “He needs to be home by twelve, it’s almost eleven now.” Jihoon nods, his hand untangling itself from Soonyoung’s even though she’s already seen it. She has a weird expression when their eyes meet, Jihoon’s conversation with her from his birthday comes back to haunt him for a second before she reminds him to wake Soonyoung up and leaves the room. When she’s gone, Jihoon lets out a breath and shakes Soonyoung softly.

It takes a few seconds for Soonyoung to stir awake and Jihoon watches his nose bridge crinkle as he yawns, smiling when his eyes open.

“Good morning,” he says, voice a little raspy and Jihoon thinks he can wake up to this forever.

“Hi,” he says back and Soonyoung’s head tilts a little as he lets out another small yawn.

“You look angsty this morning.”

Jihoon frowns. “I do?”

“Sort of.”

“Well, not all of us are morning people.”

“Neither am I!”

“Says the guy who smiles as soon as they wake up.”

“Yeah, ‘cause I woke up next to you!”

Jihoon blinks at him then rolls off the bed. “Gag,” he mutters. “Too early in the morning for this.”

Soonyoung glances at the clock by Jihoon’s bed. “It’s eleven.”

“Too early since I woke up!”

“Isn’t it nice to wake up next to me though?” Soonyoung asks sitting up.

Jihoon can’t deny that so he doesn’t reply instead gathering Soonyoung’s mid-make out thrown off sweater from the floor. Thank god they didn’t go topless, Jihoon thinks blushing, he wouldn’t want that kind of situation with his mom.

“Your mom wants you home by twelve.”

“Oh shit,” Soonyoung groans. “My train is at one,” he throws his feet off the mattress and Jihoon hands him the sweater. “I think I’ll just head home.”

“Okay,” Jihoon says watching his messy head poke through the sweater as his face scrunches, still not entirely awake. He really is too cute.

“You have that angsty look on your face again,” Soonyoung tells him and Jihoon blinks.

“There is no angst.”

“I’m not disappearing you know, just going to visit my sister.”

“I know that!”

“Good,” Soonyoung nods, getting up, one hand quickly on Jihoon’s cheek and Jihoon steps away, Soonyoung’s hand falling short. “Hmm? What’s this?”

“I was surprised,” Jihoon says instead of an apology and Soonyoung’s smile is soft.

“I know there are still things that scare you about this relationship–“

“Only me?” Jihoon interrupts.

“Fine, _us_. Scare us,” Soonyoung fixes. “But I’m excited to come back and to continue being your boyfriend. Remember that okay?”

Jihoon nods. “I’m excited, too.”

“Good,” Soonyoung grins. “I was a little worried.”

Jihoon nudges him out of his room. “About what?”

“Your mini angst episode.”

“There was no angst!”

“There was in your head!”

“Fearing loss isn’t angst…” Jihoon mutters when they’re walking down the stairs and Soonyoung stops immediately to face him.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he says earnestly and Jihoon lets out a laugh, looking away. “I just want you to know that I wouldn’t just leave you intentionally.”

“I know that,” Jihoon mutters. He doesn’t like feeling so exposed about his deepest fears. “We all worry about these things, don’t we?”

“Of course,” Soonyoung’s hand takes hold of Jihoon’s. “But some reassurance helps, too, right?”

Jihoon nods and starts walking down again and Soonyoung follows. He only lets go when he enters the living room to tell his mom goodbye and thank you before he leaves, and Jihoon puts on a jacket over his pajamas to walk Soonyoung to his car.

“Text me, okay?” Jihoon asks when they’re outside.

“Text back, okay?” Soonyoung teases and Jihoon nudges him slightly that only has Soonyoung grinning brighter and leaning down to kiss him softly on the lips. “I haven’t brushed my teeth yet,” Soonyoung giggles when he leans away and Jihoon chases his lips muttering, “Me neither.”

When they’re positively warm up to their fingertips, they separate. Soonyoung has one warm hand on Jihoon’s cheek and he smiles as he leans away, eyes on his mouth.

“I’ll see you in a week?”

“In a week,” Jihoon confirms.

“You’re my new year’s date, yeah?” Soonyoung’s head tilts. “Or you got another fake boyfriend you want to invite?”

“Just the one,” Jihoon smiles back and Soonyoung grins wider.

“But not fake.”

“Not fake,” Jihoon repeats again. “Very real,” he says then and Soonyoung pecks him one more time before he finally takes a step back.

“If you miss me too much,” he tells him climbing into his car, “write a song.”

“Thanks for the suggestion,” Jihoon laughs. “Or I might just call you if that’s okay.”

“Of course,” Soonyoung says from the driver’s seat. “I’ll be available.”

Jihoon watches him start the car and takes a step back. It’s dreadful to watch him go, but it doesn’t feel too bad either knowing that in a few days he’ll back and nothing will have changed.

“Thank you, Soonyoung,” Jihoon says while Soonyoung sets up the heating system and he looks over at him, confused.

“For what?”

“For everything,” Jihoon grins and Soonyoung smiles back staring the car.

“Let’s hope you find many more things to be thankful for, Jihoonie,” he tells him and Jihoon smile doesn’t falter especially when Soonyoung pushes himself up from the driver’s seat and Jihoon leans forward to meet his lips.

“Okay that’s it!” Soonyoung says, grabbing his wheel with both hands. “No kisses until new year’s! We’re going to that party at Seungkwan’s by the way.”

Jihoon groans. “No parties, please.”

“It’s part of the rules,” Soonyoung says easily and Jihoon laughs.

“We’re over the rules, right? That whole list was violated.”

“Not true, some of the stuff stays!”

“Then some things need to be added too.”

“Like what?”

“You need to go. We’ll talk about it later.”

“Jihoon!”

“Bye!” Jihoon says walking backwards towards the house.

“Jihoon!” Soonyoung insists but Jihoon is waving, a big smile on his face and Soonyoung pouts before he presses gas and leaves the driveway.

Half an hour later there’s a text on his phone.

 

Soonyoung [11:45]: that was rude jihoon

Jihoon [11:45]: don’t miss me too much okay?

Soonyoung [11:46]: I should be telling u that

Jihoon [11:46]: ill be fine i have plans with wonwoo and jun tomorrow actually

Soonyoung [11:46]: WHAAAAT???

Jihoon [11:46]: I have friends didn't u hear

Soonyoung [11:47]: shut uppp

Soonyoung [11:47]: I don't want to go maybe ill come back sooner

Jihoon [11:47]: okay c:

Soonyoung [11:47]: okay

Soonyoung [11:48]: and then we can talk abt the rules

Jihoon [11:48]: alllllll the rules

Soonyoung [11:48]: come onn gimme a hint

Jihoon [11:49]: I was kidding soonyoung, ure a good boyfriend. no need for rules:)

Soonyoung [11:49]: >//////<

Soonyoung [11:49]: i like u vry much jihoonie

Soonyoung [11:49]: ill b most perfectest boyfriend for u as long as u want me

 

Jihoon bites his lip and smiles, heart thumping pleasantly in his chest. It doesn’t feel scary anymore, just warm and comforting and nice.

 

Jihoon [11:50]: i like u too soonyoungiec: cant wait to spend a very long time with u<3

Soonyoung [11:51]: GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Soonyoung [11:51]: I ADORE U SOOOOOOO MUCH

Jihoon [11:52]: just go visit ur sister already :p

 

But the words feel amazing, settling deep inside his heart. And if it’s just I like you right now, with the occasional adore you, whatever confessions and feelings come next Jihoon really can’t wait.

 

 

♡♡♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end;-;
> 
> thank you so much to everyone who has supported this story, has read it, has commented, has kuddoed, has livetweeted it, helped me edit, and messaged me about it seriously this story means the world to me and i never expected it to get the support it didT___T i seriously cried while writing this chapter i'm just so overwhelmed!! 
> 
> these boys make me too soft... i asked before for people to guess which song Jihoon will confess with and actually most people guessed oh my with some smile flower/home in there as well so that was fun hehe,, part of the reason i chose oh my was because soonyoung admitted that he listens to jihoon's demo of it every night before he goes to sleep and .. no further comment. (also i tried to make it so the lyrics synch with the confession scene so try it out lolol;))
> 
> again thank you so much for reading i hope the ending was satisfying please let me know your thoughts i'm always always happy to hear them either here, [twit](https://twitter.com/bringitsoty), or [cc](https://curiouscat.me/moonluvr).... you guys are the best seriously thank you for joining me on this ride i love all of you so much thank you from the bottom of my heart and i hope to see u soon again♡


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